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Just Said Yes July 2020

Bridesmaid Unsupportive

Caitlin, on June 19, 2019 at 4:56 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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Hey all,
I am really hurt and confused about my relationship with one of my bridesmaids. She and I have been friends for over 13 years and ever since I started dating my FH 3 years ago, she has been different towards me. She went so far as to tell me last year she didn’t think we should be together because she just “didn’t know him” and when they met, he “didn’t ask her enough questions.” He is so kind and wonderful, and I don’t know another person in the world who doesn’t love him.

FH invited her to attend the proposal and the engagement party, which was a sort of truce because he knew she wasn’t particularly supportive. She attended and seemed to be over herself. Last night, I asked her and another BM to be part of our wedding with a cute gift box and a card, which she said she loved. I also confided in her about some issues we were having with my future MIL, and how I had been stressed about that relationship. We also discussed her own dating drama and family stuff going on.

After she left left my house, she started texting my roommate about how she didn’t want to hear about all my drama and she didn’t want to be the sounding board for all of it. I heard her vent, and I thought it was a safe place for me to do the same. My roommate quickly shut her down and said that it was their place as friends and bridesmaids to be supportive friends no matter what, and that my in-laws’ drama shouldn’t affect her anyway.

I don’t want to throw my roommate under the bus for telling me about this, so I feel awkward addressing it with her. Do you think she’s jealous or is there a bigger problem? She tends to hate anyone and everything that gets my attention over her (she even hated my dog at one point because I talked about him too much!) Do I just brush it off as jealousy? Refrain from talking about anything to her anymore? I’ve noticed a change in our friendship and I don’t see us being very close after I get married and move to live with my FH. But this isn’t the first time she has gossiped about me to another one of my friends and it hurts.

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Emma, on June 21, 2019 at 7:52 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on June 19, 2019 at 5:00 PM
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If this girl has gossiped about you before and she hasn’t been supportive of your relationship with your FH, why is she a bridesmaid in your wedding? I’m a firm believer in when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 19, 2019 at 5:27 PM
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It kind of sounds like she shouldn't be your bridesmaid.
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Expert October 2019
Rachael · on June 19, 2019 at 10:03 PM
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If she's been to the point of even hating your dog because it took the focus away from her, I'd be re-evaluating that friendship... Although this might not be enough to really tell us 100% what she's like, just from what you've said, it concerns me that she seems so possessive over you... you don't belong to her
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 20, 2019 at 1:47 AM
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I will say it's not *unusual* for some friendships to change over time, esp with significant life changes including at the start of a new relationship or marriage. Particularly if you and the friend are in a different place in your life all around: single v. in a relationship, spending more time with a new partner, moving/moving in with them, getting married, changing jobs, having kids, and so on.

I say you should talk with your friend and find out why things between you have been different. Maybe you're not spending as much time together as you used to, maybe she doesn't relate to the changes in your life (MIL issues)? Maybe she doesn't really want to be a bridesmaid. Better to find out sooner than later.
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Dedicated September 2021
Holly · on June 20, 2019 at 5:13 PM
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What gets me is she felt comfortable venting to your roommate about you and what you confided in her. Does she not know that your roommate is going to share-better yet, does she care? I'm glad she shut it down. When you talk with her next time (if you decide to at all) try asking a question like "Hey. I just wanted to ask if that mini vent session we had last whenever was too much for you? I should have asked if you had the mental/emotional space for it." If she asks why, you can say you felt a weird vibe after the conversation. That might make it easier to talk with her about it.
If it were me, one go round of telling my business or talking trash to another about me and it's done.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 21, 2019 at 5:52 PM
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If she wasn't interested in FH, she is jealous perhaps of the change in the relationship you two have had. I don't know why you have her as a bridesmaid if she has been off with you for 3 years and now she's been venting to someone else about you. I would talk to her about it and settle the matter. Find out what she really feels and thinks from her. Maybe this dynamic.. being a bridesmaid is too much for her. Some people no matter the occassion are not equipped to be your soundboard. I don't agree with how she went about expressing her feelings but maybe there is a boundary you have crossed that you weren't aware of as well. If you keep her on, maybe you can ask her first if its OK to talk about ___ or whatever. Even if you think she should hear everything, surely there are other bridesmaids to share things with too?
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 21, 2019 at 7:52 PM
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I had a similar situation with a long-time friend. Unfortunately that friendship ended shortly after i asked her to be a bridesmaid. It may be hard to do but you need to take a close look at this person's behavior. From your post it really seems like they do not support you getting married. Whether it's that shes jealous or just doesn't like your FH you should take her discontent as a huge warning. It is important that you include people in your wedding who are in support of the marriage. It can cause major drama down the line to have someone in the wedding party who doesn't want to be there.

You can either keep her in your wedding and see if this plays out or kick her out of the wedding party before it becomes a bigger issue. There's always the chance she comes around and listens to your roommates advice. Prepare yourself for the chance she doesn't come around and removes herself from your wedding party. If you don't forsee her attitude changing is this the kind of vibe you want from the people closest to you on your wedding day?
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Bridesmaid Unsupportive

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