Bridesmaids Can’t put up money

So my fiancé and I are getting married in Hawaii. Before we asked anyone to be apart of our big day we sat with them and explained the costs. We, of course, are helping out where we can but we totally understand that it’s a massive trip for some of our guests. We gave our party/guests over a years notice so they had time to save up for their flight, Airbnb cost, food and excursions. Of course, there are some that aren’t able to make it but we totally understand. We never wanted to pressure anyone to feel like they had to spend money to celebrate our big day. We’ve never made a person backing out feel bad about it.


As far as your BMs being responsible for your shower, that’s not at all true. Whoever hosts it is responsible. I believe traditionally it was, again, the brides parents but as more female friends and MOHs became involved it shifted to the host.

Tell your MOH to reach out to said BM. That’s why you have your MOH. Also, if you haven’t already have all your bridesmaids and MOH download the app “BACH” it’s specifically for planning the bachelorette party and you can split costs and everything right there. I would also create either a group text or group Facebook chat to have everyone all in one place and explain you do not want to know what your party will be about. That way you’re telling everyone at once and not singling anyone out. Congratulations and best of luck!

View Quoted Comment What Watts said! Throwing a bride a shower is not a requirement it’s voluntary. Who ever decided that they wanted to give you a shower should be the one to foot the bill, or the cost should have been an agreement upon amount if everyone is participating. You sound real bridezillaish..

I don't think she needs to help pay for the parties. If she talked to the MOH and she told your BM she needs to help pay then maybe talk to your MOH. I am paying for my wedding on my own completely out of pocket and I am personally giving some money to my MOH so my BMs only need to pay any of the extra expenses they round up but from all the weddings I've been to, the BMs don't pay for anything but their dress. If she can't pay, then the MOH needs to plan of figure out something else. It is the MOH's duty to take care of all that. If you are able to just give a little money to cover some costs I would do so.

POSITIVE MESSAGE! Honey, I hope this message finds you in the mass of negativity being thrown your way. You DO NOT sound like a bridezilla. We do not know you, we do not know your story, we have no clue what your bridesmaids have discussed and decided on. All I can do is talk about what I would do and my thoughts based on my experience. No it is not a requirement for the bridesmaids to throw the bride a bridal shower, though it is traditionally the bridesmaids, MOH, MOB, or a combination of them. In my wedding ALL the bridesmaids got together and discussed the bridal shower and decided that they ALL wanted to host the shower and pitch in. I have expressed my gratitude and told them it was unnecessary but they wish to do that for me so I am grateful. BUT if my MOH went based on the discussion they all had, came up with an estimate, and let everyone know how much they would have to save then one of the bridesmaids backed out because she just then realized she can't save to afford it, I would be upset too. Not because she can't afford it but because she agreed to host the shower along with the rest of the bridesmaids, she knows there will cost associated with being a bridesmaid, and then waited until plans were made to back out of the responsibilities she promised to the other bridesmaids. I only have four bridesmaids and they all have hardships, and families, and responsibilities. So if one backs out, that negatively impacts all the rest and that is completely unfair to them. So my advice would be to tell her you are sorry to hear she can't help out with the bridal shower but since the MOH is the main coordinator she should discuss it with her. Then I would give my MOH a heads up so she can figure out how she chooses to respond. Afterwards, all the bridesmaids need to come together again and discuss how they want to proceed knowing one of them won't be able to contribute to bridesmaids duties moving forward. Of course keep her as a bridesmaid but have it in your head that all she might do during this wedding process is show up to the wedding and that's it. Leave dealing with this up to your MOH. You've got enough going on. And PLEASE ignore anything negative people say to you during the wedding planning process. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage.

I just want to say that I'm not trying to be mean when saying this. Personally, I don't think BM's are responsible for paying for anything other than their dress if the bride/groom aren't paying for those (which I have been in weddings where the bride/groom have covered those costs). Those who want to throw you a bridal shower are 100% responsible for paying for it on their own. If the BM's want to pitch in, they can, but it should not be expected. I personally don't think it's right to ask a friend to be your BM and then have someone give them a list of things they have to pay for if they're having a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. Those who decide to plan it should cover the costs.

Maybe I am not very traditional or I dont care about etiquette but I think its crazy that people expect so much from their bridal party. My mother is planing my bridal shower with the help of my moh and bridesmaids. I knew that my bridesmaids would not have the funds or time to be honest to plan an event (that I honestly dont care for). They are in their early-mid 20s like me and do not have stable careers yet. I wanted them to just focus on getting the things they needed for the wedding day (jewelry, shoes, dress, etc) and not be stressed about affording an unnecessary party for me. I initially told them I didnt want to have one but my mom insisted and is paying for it. Maybe your bridesmaid is telling you because she is embarrassed and wants to be up front without being judged by the other girls.

No bridesmaid is required to contribute to a shower. They only do it if they volunteer to help plan it, and then, all hostesses contribution , not merely MOH, have a say. Some MOH think it okay to make all decisions, then announce to others what they owe. If, if, sister has done that, it would be considered the wrong way to go about things. Perhaps your bridesmaid feels that if you knew MOH made plans herself or with not all hostesses ( not right), and
did not take into account every BM budget, you would step in not to plan the shower. But to make sure MOH had involved all contributors in all steps of planning . Showers may vary, 10 people or 20 or 40, any number. What shower hostesses plan is a number they can afford, in a place they can afford, with food, beverages and decorations they can all afford. Clearly, this BM feels MOH did not involve her, or disregard Ed what she had to say. Making sure anyone who volunteered to do a shower, was involved. No bridesmaid need do a shower. Sometimes none do, or one or two, and friends who are not in WP, or bride's aunts, cousins, or sisters either do it instead, or split a large number of guests ( requiring expensive venue and food service) to a smaller number in each of two showers, in different locations, different dates, inviting potential guests to only one of them. With a shower in a free space, a home, yard, other , and only desserts and coffee , with liqueurs added, and money for ingredients for things a couple of bridesmaids bake, with another doing beverages, or whatever, the total cost for 15 guests may be $16, with simple choices like a layer cake, a cheesecake, and brownish and ice cream with some topping gs. For $100, a simple buffet meal and coffee or mixers with liquor. But with many more guests, or a venue that sets a $10 to $45 price per person, plus tips making it $13 to $60, different plans may cost a group from $25-$35 per hostess, or $3000 split up. Anyone contributing should have been part of the planning, BM lowest reasonable budget sets your price. I can see that while not wanting you to plan your shower, a BM would be entirely appropriate in letting you know, MOH has taken over all planning, and billed people, in which case MOH should pay for the entire party and host it solo. Because those not planning, don't pay. Or you might consult with others, see who was asked their budget firts, so everyone planning started with an affordable budget. Finding out too late that one hostess is dictating things to others, can cause one or all of your BM to drop out of the shower. Then everyone else can do it, paying more for larger shares. For many decades, Sisters and MOB were pretty much for idden from planning showers, because they would pressure everyone into spending larger and larger amounts, til bride got a way out of budget, spectacular shower, pushing g others to pay most of the tab. That tabu of sisters and MOB has been relaxed, but SOB and MOB often need reminding, as some best friend MOH do, that if this is a group hosted shower, the lowest of hostesses possible contribution must be considered for planning. Your BM may have been involved with showers before, that cost each hostess $25-75, and expected that amount when I she said yes to being a BM. And MOH is wrong to set a $200 apiece budget, if that is so. So, you do need to talk to sis. It is more important that you end up still friends with your bridal party, than that you have a bigger or more expensive shower. The same will happen if you have a bachelorette party. Whether it is 3 hours in a pub, or a mini vacation, everyone planning it needs to know the maximum budget. Or expect, as you read about on WW a lot, at the last minute, only a few people go, and they have to pay many times the original estimate, because anyone who drops out due to cost, cannot be expected to still contribute. Make sure MOH knows. Or she may have to pay everything herself. Or cancel plans . As bride, you cannot plan an unlimited guest list, you plan what you can afford. And level of venue, food, drinks, is not top of the line most of the time, it is what you can afford for the number you feel you can host. Showers are the same. You can do brownies with coffee for 2 hours in someone's family room, talking and opening presents, and have fun. Anything above that, is all numbers, max number of guests and what you can afford. Talk with MOH. Or be prepared to lose friends.

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I agree with this. i don't know where people get the idea that BM's HAVE TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING. its inconsiderate in my eyes. you ask them to stand next to you on the most important day of your life because they mean the world to you and you can't picture your big day without them. NOT so they can throw you parties and buy you stuff. they only thing they are and should be responsible for is the dress. everything else they do is out of courtesy.

I paid for all seven of my bridesmaid dresses. They are all coming in from out of town and have to pay for their travel expenses and hotel, so I didn't want to over burden them financially. I started a year in advanced and waited for the dresses to go on sale and then bought them. They are all wearing Vera Wang dresses! I think you should go easy on her if she is truly your best friend.

View Quoted Comment I don't feel that you are being reasonable. She is not under any obligation to pay for part of a party for you. Also..what she chooses to spend her money on is none of your business. Just because you decided to get married and want a shower doesn't mean the members of your bridal party have to pay for it. Your wedding party is supposed to be made up of the people closest to you..and their only real job is to stand next to you the day of.



I don't understand why people are on here all the time complaining about how their bridesmaids aren't willing to pay for things. A shower? Seriously? We didn't want a shower... But we also paid for our wedding party's attire (two of my bridesmaids refused the offer and paid for their own dresses..but they didn't have to do that). We wanted them to wear something specific..so we bought it for them. We love the people we asked to be a part of our day..and I feel like it's our wedding and our responsibility..not theirs..

Is this post for real or are you trolling?

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Ditto! I couldn't agree more

I think it is hard for her and because she has a relationship with you she spoke to you.. i would speak to my MOH on her behalf she is embarrassed about it but don't want you to think she isn't there for you. The MOH can probably have something else she can pay for in her price range.

I would ask her honestly is she going to be able to afford the process. If she doesn't honestly think so your going to have to pay for her share if you want her to be in or you can have her to maybe sit out or be a bridal attendant..

but don't make her feel bad about it. BEing in someone wedding is expensive.

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This might be a regional thing BUT my bridal party is helping throw the bachelorette (which I'm also paying part of the portion for) and my FMIL is hosting my Bridal shower. I agree with Caytlyn, your friend agreed to be in your wedding to show you support on your wedding day. I wouldn't be just shrugging this off to the MOH like it does not involve you, because it does involve you as it's your shower. Also, maybe your friend came to you first because she knows and trusts you more than the MOH who she might not know that well. I would give her some slack and talk to MOH myself about the plans she is making.