Bridesmaids for Destination Wedding

Don't make any formal proposal with gifts (you can save the gifts for later, closer to the wedding) because that puts undue pressure on people. Instead, research the ballpark travel costs they will incur and send them each a personal message (or meet in person, if possible, but not a group event) that you would love them to attend as your bridesmaids, but that you will understand if the travel costs of $x will be more than they want to spend. Give them a realistic timeframe to decide and then be patient with realistic expectations.

View Quoted Comment

I do really like this idea! I'll make a little spreadsheet of the potential costs to go. So smart! However, I did do formal gifts when I asked my BMs the first time. Should I do those same gifts for my 2 new ones? Like just in case they all talk about what they got when we're all together? We were all from the same sorority but live in different places now.

View Quoted Comment

I don't know anything about sorority dynamics, but I would still say ask without gifts because the gifts will add non-verbal pressure to say yes, and you seem not to want to pressure them.

View Quoted Comment

Should I be upfront about the whole situation? Because I know they would find out about others being asked like a year before, and I don't want them to feel any less special because of the circumstances I was faced with in the beginning. I'm really not fond of trying to lie to people or try to pull one over on them. I just don't want to hurt them in any way! I feel like they would understand but again I don't want them to seem like 2nd string! Thanks for all your responses!

Woah! You had a falling out with THREE of your bridesmaids?! Did this happen all at once or different occasions?

Maggie has a fabulous idea! I’d wait to get the formal gifts until after you have presented all the info & they’ve said yes.

View Quoted Comment

It's a long story and I actually posted a separate forum post about it in more detail looking for advice on THAT situation. It's just 2 separate messes. 2 separate issues out of my control

View Quoted Comment

Thank you Michelle! That does sound like a good idea! I'll ask first with something simple and then give them the better gifts If they say yes of course

The ones you no longer want : just write a simple note to each. Brief, neutral, and truthful.
" Sometimes friendships run their course, close and intense to start with, until with time and distance they drift apart. Planning a new far smaller destination wedding now years after my original one, I realize that our relationship has changed, and that I should
start with a smaller wedding party, of only people I am especially close to at this time." And when you ask the new ones, privately, with no gifts , explaining all the costs and the schedule, allow them time to check for schedule problems and budget before answering Briiefly explain that some of the people from your past whom you chose before have drifted away. And you wanted to ask them instead, because you are closer to them now, and hope to be in the future. ( on gifts, I hate proposal gifts . Pressure to accept, awkward as heck when you have to say no with gifts there. A recent trend I hope will die.)

View Quoted Comment Thank you Judith! That was so well said and I agree! Friendships sometimes run their course and it’s a learning curve with everyone! I liked the way you said that and I will definitely think of a way to incorporate that when I have to reach out to them!