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Dedicated May 2022

Bridesmaids rant

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Miranda Landry, on August 2, 2021 at 3:54 AM

If anyone is looking for a sign not to have bridesmaids, this is it. I feel like my bridesmaids are so ungrateful. I let them choose their own style dresses because I’m picky with how I like certain things on myself, but I had a change of heart on the color I wanted the dresses after doing some more planning with my flowers. They just ordered them less than a month ago and only two of them were delivered out of 6. We have 60 days to exchange the dresses at no extra cost and plenty of time to do so. I even offered to drop the dresses off myself for those who already had their’s delivered and if anyone needed me to pick their new one up, I would do so and deliver it to them myself. They don’t even have to change the style they picked out, just the color and I’m dealing with moaning and complaining. Also, more than half of the time when I reach out to them, they don’t respond. I think I have two bridesmaids that actually make an effort to show they want to be involved and don’t complain. The majority of my bridesmaids are also my cousins who I grew up really close with, but they never even ask to spend time with me anymore unless we see each other at a family event. I feel like the black sheep of the group now and can’t help but feel they have this weird resentment towards me. It also doesn’t help that I was essentially guilted into making my little cousin who I never even grew up with or really talked to one of my bridesmaids, which also made the wedding parties uneven and awkward. I don’t even have any cousins on my dad’s side as bridesmaids so it shouldn’t be awkward that not every single cousin was invited to be a bridesmaid. My original reasoning for her not being a bridesmaid (other than not being close with her at all) was because of the fact she’ll only be 15 at the time of the wedding and she can’t come to the bachelorette party that will involve drinking. I told my cousins this concern and I wouldn’t expect them to make my brother a groomsman either. After I was guilted into making her a junior bridesmaid (which didn’t take more than a couple weeks), I made up a nice proposal package and never even received a “thank you” or any acknowledgment and her sisters have been petty about it since. I’m not even a bridezilla. I’m not requiring specific shoes, makeup, or hair, and I’m not requiring them to pay for anything, but their own expenses for their dress (which was less than $100 for most since I chose to go to David’s Bridal rather than my dress salon for convenience) and the bachelorette party (which will be nearby for convenience). I’m already under a ton of stress with planning and finances and they’re not making things any easier on me. I’m just so fed up.

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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 11, 2021 at 6:42 AM
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I told them what I would want to do, but I would never ask them to pay for the entire thing. I think expecting your bridesmaids to pay for anything but themselves is just a little narcissistic.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on August 11, 2021 at 11:12 AM
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No, I read it. I don't agree that your bridesmaids should be grateful that you moved your wedding date. First of all, why would they all be grateful that you moved the date for one bridesmaid? Why should even that one bridesmaid be grateful? It was your choice to move the wedding so that she could be there; you frankly should not hold that over her head.
No, they shouldn't be grateful just to be part of your wedding day. You should be grateful that they said yes to being part of your wedding day. You are honoring them by asking them to stand next to you when you get married, not the other way around.
Finally, all you should be requiring of them is that they get a dress that they can afford. You don't get kudos for doing what you're supposed to be doing.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on August 11, 2021 at 11:15 AM
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You can invite them to show up and pay for themselves, but you can't expect it.
People are allowed to complain. It's really not that big a deal. Are they continuously complaining? Have you apologized for the inconvenience? That would probably help.
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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 11, 2021 at 1:36 PM
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The majority of brides usually require their bridesmaids to help with planning and paying for the bachelorette party. They’re not doing either. The bride also usually chooses which style dress she wants her bridesmaids to wear. They chose their own. Those are the typical responsibilities of a bridesmaid that I’m not even requiring. Having bridesmaids is an extra cost that I really am only incurring to honor them being that they do not have the responsibilities of a typical bridesmaid. My one bridesmaid who I had postponed the wedding for in particular was actually really upset that she wouldn’t be able to make it which is why I decided on changing the date for her. She ironically also complains the most. Your logic seems backwards given the circumstances. We’ll have to agree to disagree.
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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 11, 2021 at 1:38 PM
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I have apologized for the inconvenience. I offered to do all of the exchanges myself as well if anyone had picked up their dress which they hadn’t. I called to process all of the exchanges myself which required them to do nothing, but wait for their new dress to come in. Their dress could even be shipped to their address for free if they wanted.
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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 11, 2021 at 1:46 PM
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Also if they don’t even want to show up to the bachelorette party and just pay for themselves, why make the commitment of being a bridesmaid? That’s literally the only responsibility I wanted them to agree to. At that point they might as well just come as a guest since they’ll have the same responsibilities as a guest (just showing up to the wedding) at that point.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on August 11, 2021 at 2:17 PM
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What we're trying to get you to understand is that pre-wedding parties are optional. They are thrown by someone else in honour of the wedding couple. It is NOT a responsibility for any one person. The reason I'm banging on about this is that in a few months I really hope everyone is totally down with this plan you have for your bachelorette, and that it doesn't end is disappointment for you.
You have the idea of bridesmaids the wrong way around. It's not a job to commit to. There are not "duties" or "responsibilities". Its a chance for you to honour them, and that's why they aren't just guests to you. Do you not see how this is backwards?
Re-read your last post and ask yourself if you're truly honouring these people. To me, it doesn't sound like it.
I'm not bashing you. I'm trying to help you re-set you expectations in order to preserve these relationships. Otherwise it's going to be a long 9 months until your wedding.
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Expert October 2018
Janet · on August 11, 2021 at 3:31 PM
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Everything here is what others are trying to get at. The bridal party members are those who are your nearest and dearest that you cannot see your self getting married without standing by your side. You are honoring them.
They are not required to help plan your wedding (your fiancé should be doing this) or attend or host pre-wedding parties. We all wish they could make them all, but some don't have the time, mental capacity, and/or finances to attend nor host these. In no way does this mean they do not love or support you. You cannot require someone to be at a pre-wedding event. Doing this can cause resentment depending on what all they may have to shove aside to prove they are there for you. For some it's not in their budgets, for others they can't get off work, or have prior commitments. If you need help with planning you can always ask them if they have time to help out with small tasks, but they are not obligated
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on August 12, 2021 at 11:38 AM
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The only commitment they're making is to be at the wedding itself. That's it. They're an extra-special honored guest. They have no other responsibilities.
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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 13, 2021 at 10:15 AM
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I’m just going to leave this here… The majority of people seem to think that there should be certain commitments. There are many blogs about bridesmaid duties. https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/bridesmaid-duties-checklist-amp.html">https://www.google.com/amp/s/https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/bridesmaid-duties-checklist-amp.html
I thought I was a chill bride, but apparently even asking for the bare minimum is too much for some people. All I want for my bachelorette party is a nice dinner (I’m paying for myself and they can pay for themselves) and I’m paying for a suite for everyone to stay the night if they’re too drunk to go home (unless someone states they want to pay for it otherwise). Of course if something pops up where someone absolutely cannot attend the bachelorette party, I won’t be too upset (life happens), but asking them to commit to certain events (far in advance) that are important to you shouldn’t be too much to ask.
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Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on August 13, 2021 at 10:28 AM
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I mean maybe it’s just me, but if my friend who I cared about asked me to simply go out to this dinner that’s very important to them (far in advance), I would save up $60 over the course of 10 months and go to the dinner because I care about my friend and the things that are important to her.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on August 13, 2021 at 2:24 PM
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Ignore those articles about wedding party "duties". Weddings are an industry. A machine. Meant to encourage people to spend money on things. And wedding wire is definitely part of it.
Having said that you're clearly stuck on your perspective on this. Sounds like you won't be altering that. I really hope things work out the way you want them to.
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