Bridesmaid's Wedding

Maybe they will record it and people can watch later?

In my personal opinion, there are a few major red flags here in the description of her relationship. However I don't know the full story. I would be careful with what you say so she doesn't get overly defensive and feel like you are attacking her, but you can still feel how you feel, don't hide your feelings.

What I do know is that either way she still needs a good friend to count on, and even if you can't be there to celebrate in person, I would definitely send her a note or something to let her know you are thinking of her!

Okay, so a couple of things:

I understand being super sad about missing the wedding. I'm sure she is sad that she can't have as many people as she wants there too. I don't think it hurts to ask if it will be on zoom.

If you have concerns about her marriage, I think it might be the right idea to talk to her about those, depending on what exactly they are. I think we need more details about their issues though: did they consider postponing because they were fighting a lot? Or was it because they had a discrete disagreement about something like where to live or how many kids to have? Something else? I think if you do choose to talk to her about it, it should be more you asking questions about how she is feeling and gently getting at any concern. (Ex. Did you two come to a compromise about where to live yet?)

You're allowed to feel your feelings for sure. I just would be careful not to put too many of them on her, as she is already probably having a nightmare experience trying to get married during the pandemic and is more heartbroken and disappointed than you are.

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Thanks for the feedback, totally agree. The only reason I won't be at the wedding is because it is small and she hasn't invited me, if she did--I would totally support her because I'm her friend. No matter what, I would never try to make her feel bad.

Does she talk to you about the wedding? Has she said anything about who is/isn't invited? If it is a small family only event then I see no issue with asking about Zoom, but if she has invited other friends and just left you out then maybe there is more to it.

Be there as her friend when she needs to cry or vent or celebrate.
You can ask if Zoom is an option. It's possible she didn't consider it.

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Oh absolutely! I was just saying that because my guess is that this may not be the wedding she originally wanted due to COVID and other stuff, and I'm sure she is sad about not being able to have you there.

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Thanks for your thoughts, really appreciated it. They had considered postponing multiple times because they did not agree on things about their lifestyle and had several big fights on personal issues that they had never talked about before (who they dated in the past, etc). When she would call me crying, I would calmly ask general questions and was there to listen. I never bring up those issues or discussions we had unless she does. There has been a couple times I've checked in with her, 'Everything going ok since last time we talked,' etc. but I don't press.

I'm disappointed and sad that they are rushing into things but I know it is her decision and I'll be there for all of it, even if I'm not physically there at the wedding. I think a very tiny part of my disappointment also comes from her never asking my about my wedding or anything in my life but I need to let go of that too.

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Oof, yeah, those sound like distressing fights, and I know how hard those are to hear and move on from as the friend. I think you've been a good friend to check in and keep the door open so she can talk to you about it. I know some couples who rushed and are honestly really happy, but we all know those couples who rush and it ends in disaster. It's so important to have the serious discussions about lifestyle out of the way before the wedding, even if the relationship isn't perfect by the wedding date. I'm sure she is really hurt by how tough the engagement has been, those fights take a lot out of someone.

I definitely think she may be super wrapped up in her own life right now. Not an excuse for her being a distant friend, just an explanation. I think you being a good friend to her during this tough period will help her become a better friend to you when she can.

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Thanks for the reminders and thoughts!

I definitely agree with you on that not to be a reason for them to rush and get married, so if you can gently talk to her about some of your concerns, you probably should.

Regarding your disappointment around not being invited to the wedding, try not to mention that you her unless it's, "I wish I could be there with you, but I hope everything goes well and I'm really looking forward to seeing the pictures." I know people were disappointed not to be at our wedding and I understand that. Some of them asked if we were going to Zoom or record it and dropped the issue when I said no. Some people tried to guilt us into inviting them got mad when we didn't. I am not looking forward to seeing those people again.

It's not a great idea to hide your feelings completely, because that hurts you, but it would be better to talk to someone else (fiancé/close friend/sibling/people on here) than to add another layer of stress to this person about the things she can't control.

View Quoted Comment All good points, thanks so much for validating my feelings and concerns I would never want to hurt her feelings.