Bridesman

I'm not sure why you asked your mom for her opinion, it shouldn't matter if she agrees or not with the bridesman/man of honor/groomswoman/best woman thing !
The only opinions that matter are your groom's and yours. I'm a groom (I know at least 99% of people here are women lol) and I wanna ask what does he think about making your bro a groomsman? Would he want (or even relutanctly accept) to have him by his side ? I ask because I made it clear to my bride that I ALONE PICK my side of the BP and she won't have any say unless I ask for her opinion and I don't want any of her bros as groomsmen ( I'd rather not to have a BP at all than add them ... and I don't believe in the "having a future sibling in-law by your side will help to bond" thing). I like them but I'm not close with either of them. She said she was totally OK with this before this chat. The same about her side: I won't have any say unless she asks me. She will have 4 women and 2 guys,
I'll have 4 guys and 3 women by my side (my sis is the best woman, she's so happy and excited when I asked her since she "secretly" wanted to be by my side,she even said she would have declined to be a bridesmaid coz she's not close to my bride). Neither of us asked for family's opinions . "My girls" and "her guys" accepted to be best woman,groomswomen and bridesmen and other opinions don't matter AT ALL !What if you bro would have declined to be by your side and your groom doesn't want to have him ?Having siblings and friends as man of honor, bridesmen,best woman, groomswomen makes more sense than puting them by the partner's side since they are closer to you than to them, aren't they?

View Quoted Comment Agreed. There are only 2 things that are required : having to people who want to getb married and having someone to sign the certificate/licence. Other than that: the happy couple should do what they want, not what they are expected to do or what both families want. But we have to admit that it's trickier when one or both sets of parents is/are paying for at least a part of the event.

The bride picks her attendants and the groom picks his so it isn't up to to decide who your fiance picks or doesn't. If you want your brother standing up on your side and brother agrees, then great. Don't seek approval from anyone other than your fiance..and no one else's opinions matter, including those of family/friends. Don't discuss plans with them in the future.


In general, people everywhere have their idea of what makes an acceptable valid wedding and don't realize or care that their opinions do not matter. It is up to the bride and groom as long as they adhere to proper etiquette. Plus you have a multi-billion dollar Wedding Industry Complex also gaslighting couples and their families that things must cost a bajillion dollars at minimum and look a certain way or they are not legally valid, when all you need to be married is a license, an officiant, your future spouse and 1-2 legal witnesses. Everything beyond that is icing.
It's also why many woman marry in a small basic elopement setting *by choice* and say there was no wedding (it's not a birthday and the marriage license office and officiant will never agree that no wedding took place), they were not a bride, no marriage took place, etc.
Offbeatbride.com embraces the nontraditional. You do you and the naysayers can stay home.

View Quoted Comment Thanks I obviously discussed this with my fiancé before. Also, if my future life partner wouldn’t make room for someone important to me, then they are not compatible with my life at all. Just because you don’t want anyone else’s opinion doesn’t mean that I don’t.

View Quoted Comment Thanks but it’s actually up to us together.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

"my future life partner wouldn’t make room for someone important to me, then they are not compatible with my life at all. I can easily argue with this : if you don't understand your partner has friends and family he knows better and who are a more involved in his life, then you're not compatible with his life at all.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying he shouldn't ask him to add your bro ! I'm saying you shouldn't pressure him if the bro didn't want to stand up for you. I'm ****% sure you would hate it feeling pressured for adding somebody . It sounds like you are VERY CONTROLLING with this: " if he would rather be on the grooms side, I would make it happen" , so you would force him, no matter what and it's not OK .
You are supposed to pick your nearest and dearest,not those that mom/dad/future in-laws and event your partner want ,unless,of course you agree- beforehand-on asking groom's sis to be bridesmaids and bride's bros to be groomsmen.

It only matters what your brother thinks and younger people tend to be less "stuck" on traditional gender norms. I think it makes perfect sense for your brother to stand by your side during your wedding. You are thinking way too much into this. He's happy to be included.

View Quoted Comment Look, I don’t care how your relationship works, it’s none of my business. I’m also not asking you to tell me how a relationship works. You don’t need to argue it because it’s my opinion. You can disagree if you want, but it’s no debate. You may be surprised to learn that people actually get to choose their own values, and therefore also choose their own partner based off of what is important to them. Please don’t make assumptions to the ****th degree about what I would hate or not. If it would make you feel better, I discussed a way to include my brother before I asked him. My fiancé offered on his own to include him. But man, do I ever love being called controlling by a stranger while I’m out here trying to make sure everyone I care about is happy. And to be honest even if I did insist, who really cares? If both parties are happy I couldn’t care less about how others choose to live. I posted looking for some open minded folks and I guess I found more closed ones.

View Quoted Comment Thanks. You are definitely right about the over thinking it

I really love the bridesman-groomswoman concept. It makes more sense to ask your own siblings to be by your side instead of your partner's unless they are uncomfortable, off course.
I'm not sure why some people don't like to see this.
But ... I do agree with Frédolino on this one: '' I'm not saying he shouldn't ask him to add your bro ! I'm saying you shouldn't pressure him if the bro didn't want to stand up for you. I'm ****% sure you would hate it feeling pressured for adding somebody . It sounds like you are VERY CONTROLLING with this: " if he would rather be on the grooms side, I would make it happen" , so you would force him, no matter what and it's not OK''
And I'm not sure why you feel bad about putting your brother in this situation since It sounds like he wants to be a bridesman. You can't blame yourself because dad is not as open minded as both you and your bro are !I know you don't want to hurt your parent's but if you have to choose between either doing what you and your partner want or doing what they want (or ar least compromise) at the expense of your own happiness, what would you do ? This is the reason why you shouldn't worry at all about this as long as the bro, your groom and yourself are comfortable with having a bridesman.

I am sorry your dealing with that! It is your wedding and it will be amazing!

View Quoted Comment I didn’t include any of discussions with my fiancé prior to asking my brother in the original post, because there were no issues. There was no forcing of anyone to do anything. I guess some people don’t like the way I’ve worded things in my original post, and have made some assumptions about the way I’ve handled my relationship with my fiancé. Again, I didn’t not force him to accept my brother as a groomsman, nor did I even ask. My fiancé suggested it. But, it really doesn’t matter to anyone how the decision was made, especially since nothing in my post is asking for advice or opinions on that aspect.


In terms of my relationship with my brother and parents, which the post is about. I guess there are probably some other family dynamics at play here that I don’t want to post about. Not everyone will understand, but I appreciate the reinforcing words as they pertain to doing what we feel is best, and letting my brother do what’s best for him.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!!

View Quoted Comment I know you didn't ask any advice or opinion about the way you discussed with your man and your bro. But I wanted to give my opinion because this is the first part that made me react and when you write something,whatever it is and no matter if you want an advice/opinion about it, you should expect people to write about it since it's a part of your issue and coz you wrote it.
I'm sorry if you are offended every time someone disagrees with you, I mean: if I approved your making your bro a groomsman happen part , you wouldn't be that mad , would you?
And yes, your wording suggested you pressured your fiance and it looks like I'm not alone on this...

However I also replied about your father, your brother and about bridesmen . Don't know if you noticed it ... given your reply.

View Quoted Comment I did notice your comments about my dad and brother. I said that I appreciated the advice to let my brother choose what he wants to do, and ignore any negative comments from others. I can see that some of the ways I have worded things have caused a reaction and a concern. Unfortunately I cannot change that now. All I can do, is try to provide additional context for any one that is concerned. If I had posted “Am I being controlling?” or “My fiancé doesn’t want my brother to be a groomsman, help?” then I would be more open to hearing this kind of feedback.


It’s like when a bride posts about which veil to wear with her dress, and someone comments that the dress is unflattering. It’s problematic for a few reasons. 1, it’s not very nice to hear. 2, it’s someone’s opinion, not a fact. 3, there’s nothing that can be done about it anyways. I’m sure very few would expect a bride receiving those comments to fork out the cash for a new dress based off of the opinion of someone else. I hope this analogy can help explain what I feel when I read these types of comments. After all, I’m not even sure what I can do about these comments, other than feel bad about myself. I surely hope that wasn’t your goal.
I’m not about to end or change an extremely important relationship to me over anyone else’s words. Especially, when they have been provided such a small glimpse into the relationship. If the additional context about the decision made by my fiancé and I together is unsatisfactory, then I’m not sure what else I can do for you. I just have to focus in what I originally posted for, and hope that you can understand and appreciate that.

View Quoted Comment It sounds like you're not 100% sure you bro wants to be a bridesman. When he said he was happy with this, you added you and your partner would make him a groomsman, it means you didn't really believed him, did you?
About your daddy: I'm not sure why he expressed a concern . I could only understand if you asked a guy friend to be a bridesman since boy-girl friendship without any physical attraction, romantic felling is a pretty new thing It's been common since gen x people turned teens . It wasn't common when your parents were younger ( your mom is not fond of the idea either but it sounds like she doesn't feel strongly about this).
I don't mean I would side with your dad if you asked a guy friend, I mean: I could understand him.
I know that family, especially parents, are talented when it comes to add stress to their kids while they are planning, instead of being 100% supportive. You can even ask him if he thinks the wedding will be unvalid because of your bridesman? Seriously ...

View Quoted Comment Yeah that’s pretty well exactly what’s happening. I’m not sure he wants to be a bridesman anymore, now that’s he’s heard some of the feedback. I can tell it definitely hurt his feelings and I think maybe he is too nice though to say anything about it. So I’m left feeling weird about proceeding with things like dress shopping and bridal showers. I think I just have to let it be I guess.

I wouldn’t worry about it. Ask your brother if he is comfortable and if he’s not, I’m sure he’ll be open about it. My husband and his groomsmen all thought that it was weird that I made my cousin a bridesman. He didn’t expect to be asked to be in the party, and still planned on helping with everything. He and I are very close. I said that the three people I asked to stand by my side are the three people who have always and will always have my back in everything. Meanwhile one of my husbands groomsmen couldn’t make it because of a “test” which he let us know the week before - now he’s planning on dropping out of that school. And his other groomsmen left early because he had to help his girlfriend, who he is now broken up with, with her “homework”. My three were with me from the moment I woke up to the very end of the reception. Just do what is going to make you happy.

View Quoted Comment That’s awesome! That’s exactly how I feel about my brother. It felt wrong to not have him with me just because of his gender. Funny how a wedding can bring out true colours of people.