Brother and his family can't afford to come to our destination wedding

If they don't have the money, they don't have the money. I highly doubt that you know the depths of your brother's financial situation and it's not your place to make assumptions. It's unfortunate that he can't make it, but that's the risk you take when you decide to have a destination wedding.

I don't know much about your family dynamic, so I may be way off base here, but in general I just feel like expecting anyone to travel for a wedding is hard - especially if it is into another country. And even more so when it involves family/children traveling as well. Costs for travel, childcare, etc. It all adds up. So to me, I wouldn't say "selfish" is the word, but I would say that you should lower your expectations on who will be willing/able to travel for a destination wedding.

I agree with Melissa. However, you know your brother better than we do. Maybe he is just putting feelers out there to see if anyone will help him pay for this trip.

Thanks for your input girls. I know it's very hard. I have offered to pay for all their accommodation and childcare would not be an issue as the rest of extended family are all going to help out. I get along with my sister-in-law really well but I know she's the one driving this decision. She is extremely close to her brother so if he were to be getting married I know it wouldn't be dismissed like this. My fiance and I have asked both our and nephews and nieces to be a part of our day and it upsets me that mine won't be there. I guess I just feel disappointed that they are not even considering it. I will just have to try and get over it.

I had a DW. This is par for the course. When you have a DW you have to accept that some people aren't going to be able to make it. For a variety of reasons, be it money, time off work, childcare, etc. You chose to have a DW, this is one of the consequences.

You need to get out of your brother's wallet and accept when he says he can't afford it, that he can't.

One of unfortunate parts of destination weddings are that, sometimes, not everyone can afford to attend.

We would have loved to have a destination wedding, but knew that everyone we wanted to attend may not be able to afford it. So we nixed the idea fast.

Yeah we knew this too. Unfortunately as we aren't from the same country it was going to have to be a destination for at least one of us.

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Yeah, this is hard. If you feel like he is doing this just so someone can front the money, I would definitely not play into it. That is not fair to you. If your parents want to, that is different.

I think this situation is a little different than a regular destination wedding though. At least half of the guests were going to have to travel no matter which way it went. I do not agree with everyone saying "this is what happens when you plan a destination wedding." It definitely sucks, but when travel comes into play, some people are not going to be able to make it. While we do not know the full extent of his financial situation, I do understand how you feel when it comes to the vacation part. We are having a destination wedding and there were guests that knew of the date and location for almost a year and were so excited for it. However, when they rsvped no, they were like we will be on vacation. I am not upset that some people can not come, but I just felt that since they were so excited, then planned a vacation around that time, was a little odd. I am not saying I am better than their family, but just how it looks.

You can't control someone else's finances. Also depending on the time of the year it might be hard to pull the kids from school and travel to another country for such a short time period. I say send him an invite our of curtosey, but don't have any expectations. If your parents want to pay for your bother to come be sure to thank them graciously.

I think the main reason his declining is hurtful is because it sounds like he didn't even make an effort to attend. He does not need to give you information on his financials but I don't see you mentioning what exactly he can't afford. Plane tickets? Lodging? Clothing? Food for non-wedding days? If he at least tried to work it out, it probably would hurt less. I'm sure your parents would rent a bigger suite or Villa if it meant that his family could attend.

As for you or your parents paying for his family, that's your decision to make if having him there is that important. I feel like that money should be spent on your wedding and on your wishes. He had his day, his way so it's unfair for you to make sacrifices on yours to accommodate his wishes. If having him there is most important, than you'll probably need to cover at least part of his costs.

We’re also planning a DW and while people not being able to come is par for the course, it’s still disappointing. At least your family is claiming a legitimate reason for not coming (financially unable). Before we even got engaged, we had discussed with family that we’d like to do a DW as we’re from different parts of the country. When we got engaged, we went to talk to FH’s only sister (they’re really close) about budget and travel plans for our wedding (over a year away), his sister stated they couldn’t commit to a date because his 10 year old niece MIGHT have a dance competition. Seriously?! If she would’ve said they weren’t sure if they could afford it, that’s one thing and we were prepared to help them out a bit financially. But apparently attending her only brother’s wedding just isn’t a priority to her.

Yeah, it's not like we sprung the DW on anyone. It was always going to happen and both our families knew this.

Oh Amber I feel your frustration. I hope that your SIL comes round and realises that this is only going to happen once. I was living overseas when my brother got married and there wasn't even a thought that crossed my mind that I would not go. He's my only sibling.

Um if I were you, I wouldn’t budge. If people want to be there, then they’ll be there. A 16 month advance notice is enough time to save for the average person, if they make it a priority. I went without MEALS so that I could travel from the states to Guatemala when I was a college student making $7.25 an hour.

If it's in your budget, I would offer to pay. I personally would decline $$ for my wedding from my parents in order to allow my sibling and his/her family to be part of the celebration. BUT, if that's not something you want to do, PP's have it covered that while it's disappointing, there's not much you can do.

I think this is stretching because you cannot expect anyone to even come to your wedding when it’s in the same area or even afford to be in the wedding party, nevertheless to a destination wedding. I also don’t think it’s your business if they can afford to go on holiday. It’s their money and they prioritize themselves what’s wrong with that? They don’t work hard to spend it to do what others want with their money or explain their family decisions.

I see where you are coming from. Don’t play into your brother.
I know it sucks but ultimately it’s still your day, you are getting married and it’s a wonderful time in your life. Keep your chin up—don’t give anyone the power to put a snag in your day.

I'm from the US and my cousin had a wedding in France. Many many family members declined. Most could technically afford it, but it's just not how they want to spend thousands of dollars. I did go with FH and we spent over $4k. We made a vacation out of it, but if I had kids, I would've thought twice. Also, some people just didn't want to travel, but it doesn't appear that's your brother's issue. Traveling to a destination wedding with kids is a lot

View Quoted Comment Exactly! If people really want to be there they will move mountains to do so. Others will give lame excuses or push back about the dumbest of things we all vent on here about. (Myself included) and I remind myself it doesn’t matter if they come or not. I smile and remember I’m getting married with or without an no one can dim that.

View Quoted Comment Move mountains? You are extremely judgemental. I cried for an entire day because we cannot afford to go to my sister in laws wedding. We can only afford to send my husband... You cannot paint everyone with the same broad brush. I'm not going to wipe out half my savings to go. We would be choosing to become financially unstable. We have children for goodness sake.