Brother announced his engagement 12 days before my wedding

View Quoted Comment He agreed.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. I would only see it being an issue if he decided to get married at the same time and place as you. Beyond that, you each get one day out of the year and he is not overstepping yours.

View Quoted Comment What exactly do you expect your guests to talk about at your event? People haven't seen each other in a long time because of COVID and they will have a lot to catch up on: some people got a degree, some people got a new house, some had a baby, etc. Your brother's engagement will be just one more bit of recent gossip. I bet he's not even the only one who got engaged or married recently. It will not take away from you. Also you're not doing him some huge favor by delaying your pregnancy for his wedding; pregnant people go to weddings all the time. It's not like people will spend the night staring at your belly and ignoring him and his future wife.

If you're really only 11 days out, you have so many important last-minute details you could be sorting out instead of complaining and arguing online. Your wedding will be beautiful. You could be excited to marry the love of your life but instead you're obsessing over this.

You seem to have some built up tension or frustration towards your brother and his fiancé and are blaming it on their recent engagement. People can be simultaneously happy for more than one person, and people’s happiness for them does not detract from their happiness for you. Unfortunately, no matter how much you spend on your wedding and want to be the sole focus, you cannot stop people from reaching their own personal milestones or being happy for others.

If anyone is taking anything away from your moment right now, it's you. I think you need to identify why you care so much if people congratulate your brother and his fiance on your wedding day. I promise you that you and your husband are still going to be the center of attention and that no one is going to treat your wedding like an engagement party for your brother. Take a minute to be frustrated and then let it go.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely agree with this.
Also It seems to me like there might be bigger issues here. And it's not about your brother getting engaged. It seems to me like you feel like you have to compete with your brother over the spotlight. Have you growing up had to always compete for attention? Always feeling like your brother was more important? Maybe you had the kind of parents who kind of pushed you aside because your brother was the favorite.

View Quoted Comment Yes. Unfortunately

View Quoted Comment My fiancé feels the same as I do about this so no not quite honey. That has nothing to do with how excited we are to marry each other. Nor am I “obsessing”. I am only venting at my frustrations because my family can never let me have my moment. I am constantly pushed aside for both of my male siblings. I am venting at the acknowledgment of this. Especially since it was a retracted choice. As I stated many times— I am happy for my brother but in our family this is a spotlight stealer. I am simply hurt and disappointed. Not expecting anyone to really understand at this point. There’s a lot more to it. Just letting my feelings out since there is no real support (never has been) in my immediate family.

View Quoted Comment

You first sentence sounds belittling of the previous poster. I'm hoping that wasn't your intent.

You really shouldn't plan your BABY around someone else's one day event. Do you really not see how that is a bit over the top? Two couples can feel joy at the same time.

Sounds like you've chosen to view your brother as a spotlight stealer, and I hope it doesn't affect your day.

View Quoted Comment Actually it’s already been stated as such. “It’s so great we can save money on an engagement party since everyone will be at your wedding”

View Quoted Comment My point was that unless your brother is sending out invitations for his engagement party at your wedding, your guests are not going to treat it as such. They know that they are going to celebrate your marriage. Yeah, they may congratulate him, but so what?

View Quoted Comment This comment sounds like it may have been conceited or may have been innocent. It's difficult to tell from an outsiders perspective. Since this is worrying you so much, maybe yoh can ask your DJ to cut the mic off if your brother or his new fiancé try to make a speech. That's the only way I can imagine someone could truly steal the spotlight. Beyond that, your brother will probably be across the room most of the night and you won't have to hear people congratulate him or listen to him brag. I promise your guests still see it as your event 🙂 He will get his big day later. (And no one will think you're being rude to them if you're pregnant before then; this isn't the 19th century where women have to hide their pregnancy.) I hope you have a wonderful wedding and come back to tell us about how much fun you had!

First, yes, I do believe you are overreacting, but you obviously feel that your hurt feelings are justified, so it doesn't matter what I think. Second, how much you spent on your wedding is completely irrelevant to this situation, so I would make sure you don't bring THAT up in conversations with your brother or other guests.

The bottom line for all of this is that YOU are in control of how much this news affects your wedding. If you allow your brother's happiness to ruin your wedding day, you will only have yourself to blame. For your own (and your future spouse's!) sake, please find a way to set this aside and just enjoy your wedding.

You are entitled to feel how you feel, but for perspective. I got engaged about a month before my sisters wedding and while yes, people in our family congratulated me when they saw me and asked to see the ring, it didn't overshadow my sisters day or take any spotlight away. I think you're assuming they're going to utilize your event as an engagement party when in reality they likely arent. People aren't going to be bringing them engagement cards or gifts. It's still your day.

As someone who had to grow up in a sibling's shadow, I totally get where you're coming from. It's not that the guests aren't going to understand its your wedding day, or even that your brother will really take away from the spotlight on you. It's that this was your one day to have all attention on you, and he found a way to make it a little bit about him too and that's unfair.

Don't let anyone try to talk you into making special accommodations for them is all I can recommend. Also, don't let it fester too much, it's frustrating and annoying, but like Maggie said, you are in control of how much this will affect you. Don't let it. If anyone mentions it to you on the wedding day, just steer the topic away quickly.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. Yes this is exactly how I feel. I truly feel I am always pushed aside on major things in life or just simply over shadowed conveniently one way or another and it makes me sad that he just couldn’t help himself considering he had a choice on the matter.
Stuff like this happens often enough that it has become bothersome and disheartening. I’ve even had someone announce their pregnancy at my milestone birthdays as we are about to cut cake and sing. So yeah. Just feel disregarded a lot.
My fiancé sees how my family treats/supports my brothers vs how they treat me just in the past 5 years we’ve been together his head has spun. I’m trying to see it as innocent — I’m trying to not take it personal. I’m not trying to let it fester or be upset so close to my wedding. I AM happy for them. Just wish they chose to stick to their word and their own acknowledgment of not wanting to cast a shadow. The fact that they changed their minds makes me question their intent. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement from someone else who can understand what it’s like.

View Quoted Comment

I think if your original post was all we knew about you, I'd agree with other posters that you're overreacting and letting your brother's actions dictate your excitement about your day. Short of announcing their engagement at your rehearsal dinner or on your wedding day, you don't get to take up a whole two weeks before/after your wedding as an embargo on major life announcements. And your guests are going to spend about 30 seconds tops talking about your brother's engagement before moving onto other topics - they'll have been engaged for less than 2 weeks at that point, it's not like they can do a deep dive into their wedding plans.

HOWEVER, I think the additional context around your relationships with your brother and family are relevant. Obviously we only have your side of the story, but clearly there's a history of you feeling your milestones have not been prioritized and you feel like you constantly have to share the spotlight. That would definitely color my reaction to this. That said, there's really nothing you can do since the cat's out of the bag at this point, so I would try to focus on remembering that a) your guests are coming because you and your fiance sent them an invitation to YOUR wedding, b) guests will probably have a lot to catch up on and your brother's engagement will be just one piece of news of many, and c) no matter what your brother does, most guests will be focused on you and your new husband the majority of the time. Try to focus on enjoying the day with your guests and don't let your brother's actions spoil your mood. And certainly don't plan your pregnancy around his wedding, as he clearly doesn't have the same regard for you (nor do I think it's necessary - if my fiance's sister was pregnant at my wedding, I wouldn't feel like she's overtaking my spotlight and just may be a little more attentive to making sure she got enough food/water and had a place to rest her feet).

Finally, I'd recommend seeing a counselor regarding your feelings regarding your family after everything after the wedding has settled. I'd imagine they would be able to give very good advice about how to handle those relationships as it seems like this has been a lifelong source of contention, not something solely brought about by your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Yes.. thank you. It has been continuous and tiresome. I appreciate the feedback.

View Quoted Comment I just remembered this thread again and would love an update. How did the wedding go?

View Quoted Comment Wedding went great.
Brother hosted an impromptu event the next day at the same time as our scheduled brunch with family and out of town guests who then had to chose which event to go to.