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Just Said Yes April 2019

Brother decided to get married 4 weeks before me!!!

Ashley, on January 20, 2019 at 2:40 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19
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This is mostly a venting post I guess, but I just need some (hopefully) kind words that can help me accept and move past this,...

Anyway, I’m pretty upset at the moment. My fiancé proposed to me in December of 2017 and we set the date of our wedding for April 2019. We have been together over 5 years and have a beautiful daughter together.

Just recently in August (more than 8 months after setting my wedding date) my older brother started dating a girl and by November they had “mutually decided” to get married. I was very happy for him and she seemed nice enough the one time I met her. Shortly after they got engaged, my brother called me to ask “how long was an appropriate distance from my wedding to have his” because they were going to have to move it to either March or May (remember I’m getting married in April. He said it was because his fiancé really wanted her brother (who is stationed overseas) to be able to walk her down the aisle and that his wife is pregnant and due in August therefore she won’t be able to fly in her 3rd trimester. I tried not to let it bother me, but asked what the rush was that they couldn’t wait until AFTER August. The only reason Ive ever gotten for that is simply that “they do not want to wait that long”.

I put on my best happy voice and pretended not to be bothered BUT I did tell him please don’t do it in March because they live out of state and I will have sooo much going on that it would be really tough to make it. Soo...i look on Facebook the other day and his fiancé posted “due to extenuating circumstances the wedding date is ‘March 16th”. When my brother called me, he specifically said “we are tired of everyone’s input so it’s march 16th” which left me feeling like I was just supposed to shut my mouth which I did.

Now I’m over here so upset because 1) I won’t be able to make it, the wedding has depleted me of time and fincances and taking more time off work would be impossible. 2) he set the date knowing I probably wouldn’t be able to make it. 3) no consideration was given to my feelings 4) I never would have done that to him and 5) this is a long list of crappy things he has done to me. (Also just to note it is only me and him no other siblings).

I did reach out to him a few days later and very kindly expressed that I was hurt and confused why he would set his date FOUR WEEKS BEFORE MINE but by his response it was clear he either thinks he’s doing nothing rude and inappropriate or he just does t care. Oh, also we asked him to stand up to our wedding which I am not regretting. I’m also mad because now this makes me really not like her. I would never do this to my future sister in law!!!

Am I going to feel this resentment forever?

19 Comments

Latest activity by Amanda, on July 27, 2019 at 10:46 AM
  • Courtney
    Dedicated May 2019
    Courtney ·
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    Oh wow.. I think it depends on if you hold grudges. I think I would be mad for awhile but that's just me. I agree with you, its unfair of them to set the wedding that close to yours regardless of her brother's wife. They could've waited til after yours to have the wedding. My fw and I had a similar issue.. our friends sent a date a year after us and then kept moving it up. At one point they set it a WEEK before our date. We asked them to be in ours and we were in theirs. When they told us the new date we told them it would be impossible for us to afford theirs and ours. They didn't see an issue at all. Then moved it 3 months before ours.. we are still upset. But since it is your brother maybe you will not feel that way after everything is said and done. I am sorry that you wont be able to make it to your brothers wedding though
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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    How far away is the wedding from you?
    I am sorry I am sure it hurts not being able to go to his wedding. However. She does want her brother to walk her down the aisle. They would have to wait longer then August till the baby be old enough to fly. Then who knows if her brother will be stained over seas again.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Their wedding is 500+ miles from me. They have been together 4 months as of right now...and by the time of their wedding it will have been 6-7 months they’ve known each other.

    i understand her wanting her brother to walk her, and that they are trying to revolve around that only. But I can’t help but feel there could have been much better ways to do it so that it wasnt 28 days before mine. Their invitations will be going out just a week or two after mine did...so several of my guests will be receiving a invaitation for my brothers wedding which will actually be first now even though they all received my save the dates several months ago.

    Idk why the huge rush that they couldnt wait until Winter or spring after her brother would have had the baby. Ive known several people who made long flights with babies only several months old. And if it was sooo important for them to be married like RIGHT AWAY, then why not go to courthouse and get married and have the official ceremony/reception in winter or spring? OR AT LEAST HAVE WAITED UNTIL EARLY MAY!

    I know I will 100% probably sound like a spoiled brat brizilla when I say this...but truth is my brother has always been jealous of me from the day I was born. He had that older sibling attention envy most of my life where he wanted zilch to do with me and was a jerk like all the time, when all I wanted was to be around him because I thought he was just the coolest person ever. I can’t help but have a sinking feeling this was some type of intentional “whatever you can do I can do better” mentality.

    I hope im wrong. I want to be wrong. And I want to be happy for them. And I want to be able to attend. But I’m pretty irked and although I’m trying to let it go, I think this is going to stick for a while.

    P.S. My fiancé is also pretty bothered by it, and I think that good brother in law relationship they had going is kind of down the hole.
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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    I am sorry I know it stinks. Maybe her brother is going to be stationed overseas for a long time. They should have thought you would not be able to make it. Did you tell them that?
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  • Eamsee
    Super June 2019
    Eamsee ·
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    To be quite frank, it sounds like your feelings are really hurt and your emotions are really riled up and because of that you may be overthinking the situation. I understand why you are upset, but I think once the initial surprise wears off, you will see that it really isn't as big of a deal as it feels like it is. His wedding is an entire month before yours, not the day before. Having her brother escort her down the aisle is a huge deal. In addition to the travel issues with his wife and the baby, it may also be that he only has so much leave time accrued and that is being used for the first few weeks after the baby is born. It isn't so easy to travel while on active duty, especially overseas. I do not think that setting the date for when they did was malicious or of ill intent. I think the biggest deal of the situation is that you wouldn't be able to attend his wedding due to the time frame and financial limitations due to your own wedding.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    4 weeks is generally long enough apart that it won't affect your wedding. I hope you have the funds to travel. It is tough to schedule around several other things, your wedding, the brother's leave, and a baby, then see about venue date. And jobs and money. At some point, they had to choose. The summer before we married, we each were in several close friend and family weddings. And went to many others. Yet with a 27 day gap from the last of 15 weddings since April, it turned out to be enough time to finish up everything and have ours in October. Most time consuming things were already done, by 6 weeks out, except RSVP process. Things won't be so bad as you are dreading. And Iots of people want a short engagement, which is their right, as much as you have a right to do yours in a longer time. Do your best to make it, and not resent it.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    I can’t make it...there is just no way finically that I’d be able to. And yes, I did tell them that previously that March would be almost impossible to make it. Well it is what it is. Clearly me being there was of no importance. Glad it all worked out for her family to be there. She will have 30 people and my brother will have maybe 3. I just wish I forced my fiancé to make him stand up. He had someone else he wanted instead, but I said it was important for my only brother to be part of the wedding. Clearly my brother does not share that feeling.

    Lesson Learned.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    *i wish I HADNT pushed my fiancé to ask my brother to stand up. I really don’t want him to at this point.
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  • Y
    Devoted March 2019
    Yvonne ·
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    Look as someone who got engaged after both our siblings and chose a wedding date before those of each our siblings. So much goes into making that decision and malicious intent is not on the list. Most importantly when you find someone you love entirely you want to make that person yours as soon as possible life is too short to do anything. Yes some peoples engagements have to be long because they really want to enjoy the process and plan perfectly and save enough to make their day exactly what they dream but not everyone does. In this case her brother walking her down the aisle is something very important that she didnt want to compromise.

    I do think your financial concern about the wedding being so close to yours is completely valid and you should explain THAT to your brother leaving out any concerns about spotlight and guests and save the dates.

    At the end of the day though he is your only sibling and just as it would hurt you if he wasnt there for you it's going to hurt him if you're not there for him. Bite the bullet remember you love him and you're so happy he (like you) has found someone to love him completely. Get a credit card at an airline fly out on the last flight Friday come back on the first flight Sunday and be there for him. You can get more rest, you can pay off the debt, but you're never going to be able to go back and be there for him if you dont try. Be happy. Be happy for both of you and everyone else who can find love in this crazy world and pray that were all able to maintain it.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Hes been a bad big brother all my life, and this is no exception. I don’t know why I forget all the crappy things people have done in the last. If I learned from the last, I would have known he’d pull something like this.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Does anyone know how to delete this thread? I don’t want to think about it anymore.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Quite frankly they can both shove it.
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  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
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    I can understand why you are upset, I really can. It sounds like the decision was made, and not only are you a little peeved that they are now getting married before you, but the general impression I’m getting is that you’re upset that they don’t seem to care if you are there, but the whole thing is revolving around HER brother.
    Like others have said, once you cool down and look at this objectively it will probably not be that big of a deal. Yes it will suck if you have to miss your brothers wedding, but staying upset about it is only going to drive you and your brother further apart.
    I would sit down and talk with him, not necessarily with any intention of trying to get them to change their plans, but with the sole purpose of expressing how upset you are that you are going to miss his wedding.
    I’m sorry this is happening and I really hope it ends up working out for everyone. Good luck and congratulations on YOUR wedding!
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  • OnCloudRawls
    VIP June 2019
    OnCloudRawls ·
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    I still don't understand why your brother and your FSIL couldn't wait to have their wedding until after your FSIL's SIL had the baby, and possible get to know each other a little more before getting married.

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  • Katie
    Beginner May 2020
    Katie ·
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    I hope your wedding was wonderful! Posting because I’m going through basically the same thing and this thread is helpful.

    We got engaged Sept 2018 and will be married May 2, 2020. Two days before Christmas his sister got married and subsequently planned her wedding Feb 22, 2020. A little annoying but I got over it. Now, his family dropped a bombshell that his brother (our best man) and his gf are eloping to niagra falls, where only the parents were invited, in two months. It just seems like they’re competing to get married and have kids and it’s more stressful than planning my own wedding 😂
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  • Cassi
    Super October 2019
    Cassi ·
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    I know this has since passed but I hope your wedding was beautiful. I get why you were p****d off... I get it was revolving around her brother and that was important but for them to rush into marriage after 4 months of dating and to be married only 6 months into the relationship would bother me in itself. Anyways it has all passed so I hope your day was beautiful!

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  • Renee
    Super October 2020
    Renee ·
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    I'll be the odd man out. Maybe the fiancé was pushing for her brother to be there because if he's deployed, or stationed overseas, there's not always that guarantee that he'll come back home. There's always a chance something could happen.

    I saw that the date for all this has past, I hope everything was able to get worked out and that you had the wedding of your dreams.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Ashley ·
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    Hey, my day has passed but since I recently got some comments on this post I thought I would give an update. For one, my sister in laws brother DID NOT EVEN COME. All that rush supposedly so he could make it and he wasn’t even there. Also, at my wedding 6 weeks later, they announced to all our family that they were 8 weeks pregnant. They also gave me a cast iron skillet as a wedding gift....that was it. I’m not going to hold a grudge, but I also don’t think I’ll ever forget what they pulled and how very selfish that was. In the end, their rushed day ended up with a lot of confusion and was not well organized. My very planned wedding went off (almost) without a hitch.
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  • A
    VIP December 2020
    Amanda ·
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    GIRL!!!

    I just GASPED!!! OMG and then the pregnancy announcement at YOUR wedding?? This is so tv drama right here and wow!! You are a much bigger person than me as I would have lost it. Congrats on your wonderful day and I hope you had a great honeymoon and wonderful marriage.

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