Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

S
Just Said Yes June 2019

Brother suggesting i change wedding date for pregnant sil

Sarah, on November 1, 2018 at 1:27 AM Posted in Planning 0 28
Saved
Reply
My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding which would require my side of the family and many of our friends to take a long haul flight to our destination. (My Fiance's family lives only a couple of hours from the destination.)

We've just gotten engaged are in the process of setting our date and finding a venue, so nothing is set in stone, but fiancé and I have a dream of a June wedding at our destination and have had this dream for a while. Weve been dating for a while and now that we are engaged we just want to be married and have our dream come true.

My brother, SIL, and their two small children will be invited, but my brother and SIL have shared that SIL is two months pregnant and will be about 35/36 weeks pregnant by the time of the date we want and unlikely to take the long haul flight if we have our wedding in June. I really, really want my brother to play a special role in the wedding and want him to come. He says he absolutely does not want to miss the birth of his child and that I'm putting him in a difficult situation because SIL does not want him to fly to a different continent at the end of her pregnancy and she prob won't be able to fly that late. I honestly don't mind if SIL isn't there but I really want my brother to be there. I also really don't want to change my date and fiancé and I want to give our guests about six months to plan to attend and buy plane tickets etc. So I don't want to push the date forward for my brother and SIL. I think if I keep the date I want , my brother will still try to come and SIL will just have to do without him for a few days because it's far enough from her due date that she probably won't have to worry about having the baby.

my brother is making me feel a bit guilty about it though. Am I being unreasonable about this date? There are so many other things to think about and other guests. Really fiancé and I just want to get married. What would you do?

28 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on May 25, 2019 at 8:54 PM
  • Megan
    VIP January 2019
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Personally I don’t find it unreasonable to not change your date, but I do find it unreasonable for you to expect your brother to come under those circumstances. I know several women who gave birth in that time frame or were completely on bed rest. If it’s important you’re brother is there, then don’t ask him to choose between his sister and the birth of his child, that’s not fair.
    • Reply
  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I think you're being unreasonable about your expectations that your brother would leave his very pregnant wife so close to her due date with 2 small children to care for by herself. Due dates are just estimates and the actual delivery date is unpredictable. But at 35/36 weeks she could very well go into labor. Of course he doesn't want to risk not being there for his child's birth. Even if she didn't go into labor, being that far along in pregnancy is very uncomfortable for most women and with 2 small children to care for she needs her husband's support during that time.

    You can choose your date but you do so at the risk of not having your brother there. So it's up to you to decide which is more important to you. But whatever you do, do not for a moment make your brother feel bad for putting his wife and his family first. That's what a good husband does and you should be proud of him and hope your husband would make the same decision for you one day.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this 💯 %
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I couldn't agree with this more. Your brother made a commitment to his wife and he's absolutely in the right for keeping it. How would you feel if you were in your SIL's situation? Would you be fine with your FH leaving you alone with your two children while he traveled halfway across the world at the end of your pregnancy?

    You need to prioritize what's more important to you, your date or having your brother at your wedding. It's great that you have a vision, but you can't expect your brother to drop his life to fulfill it. I personally don't think that 6 months is enough notice to give your guests for a DW anway.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Since the date is not set, you still have choices. I agree with earias above: A good husband does not voluntarily travel far away from his pregnant wife and young children in the late stages of pregnancy, nor in the first couple months thereafter. So decide, do you care if your brother is there, or not. If you do not mind his missing your wedding, that is okay. Not every family member can attend every family event, it is not a tragedy. But do not schedule something requiring a long trip with any expectation in the world that he will leave his family at this critical time in their lives, for a 6 hour wedding celebration. Expect that your brother would never be so badly behaved as to attend under these circumstances. Or if you do not want the wedding without him, change the date 3 months either way. Or change the location. It is still flexible, and all the choices are clear, you have to decide your priorities and live with them, not expect others with serious issues to bend to your 1 day plans.
    • Reply
  • starsinwaves
    VIP November 2018
    starsinwaves ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    This was a perfect response.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    You don’t have to change your date, but I don’t think your brother should leave his wife at that time to come. So you’ll have to choose which you want more, your date or your brother there.
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    You need to figure out what is a higher priority, a date at a certain time of year or having your brother, and possibly his family, there. I know what would be more important to me, but you need to figure it out for yourself.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    This. As a mom to two small children already, there is no way I or my husband would be ok with him leaving the country for several days at 35/36 weeks pregnant. That’s just not realistic. Women go into labor at 36 weeks all the time. It may not be the norm, but it does happen.
    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    If you keep the date I think it is not ok to expect your brother to go out of the country and possibly miss the birth of his kids plus he will either have to bring both kids with him in a flight to another country. Or leave them with his very pregnant wife. His kids are always going to come first. My sisters kids will always come before me.
    • Reply
  • Taylor
    Expert March 2019
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I completely agree with this.
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    First, you don’t even have a date finalized yet. If you did I would be saying something totally different. Also, if you are looking to do it in June of 2019 and don’t have a date/location yet, that’s awfully soon to be notifying people (save the dates). If I was invited to a destination wedding I would like more time to plan my personal budget. Yes, having your brother there is super important but a birth of a child and the safety of your SIL would be more important in my book. You still have time to decide a date so I would wait until after the baby is born.
    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Super December 2018
    Courtney ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yep!!

    OP, I get wanting to be married, but if all of this is crazy important, just put it back a year and give everyone loads of time.

    I'm pretty sure that 6 mos would not be a comfortable enough time frame for me to save for a DW on a different continent, I would appreciate the extra time to save money.
    • Reply
  • c
    Super May 2019
    c ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Exactly!!! You’re putting your brother in a horrific situation. She can’t travel and I’d be so pissed if my FH left me during my last few weeks of pregnancy where literally anything can happen to go to a different continent. Would he take his two kids with him? This is a no win for everyone involved.
    Also, your date isn’t confirmed until that’s the date you have in contract with your venue.
    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    You are being completely unreasonable. You can't have it both ways. If you want your date, fine. But your brother will most likely miss your wedding. Sorry, but the birth of his CHILD is more important. If you want your brother there, change the date. Not that complicated.

    Life (and marriage) is about compromise. This is a good lesson for you. Hope you work it out.

    • Reply
  • Jen
    VIP July 2018
    Jen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I think it is totally fine for you to keep your "dream" date for your wedding. However you are being completely unreasonable in how you are approaching this with your brother. At week 35/36 there is no way that he should leave his wife and two small children to fly to different continent. Your expectation that he should do this is way off base. I think you either 1. switch the date or 2. tell your brother that you completely understand that he AND his wife will not be able to attend (and mean it). Personally I would do anything to ensure my brother AND his family can be at my wedding.

    As an FYI I chose a July wedding date ONLY because my brother, his wife and 2 kids fly to the US from Hong Kong each year for that month. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for all of them to attend my wedding as it was very important to me. A summer wedding wasn't my dream but having my entire family there sure was.



    • Reply
  • Casey
    VIP December 2018
    Casey ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I think you are being unreasonable. 35 weeks pregnant is absolutely too close to birth for the father to fly out for a few days. I think you're not really understanding that at 35/36 weeks pregnant, having her husband there is extremely important and no, she shouldn't have to "do without him for a few days." She could be on bedrest, or at least be unable to drive, and be super pregnant while taking care of two other children. If you really want your brother thre, move your date.

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    It is unreasonable to keep the date and expect your brother to come. He won’t. He’ll likely feel badly to miss it, but his about to be born child will absolutely take precedent— that’s just how it is.

    It would be one thing to be bothered if you’d been planning for a year and were now 8 months away and he came up to you trying to get you to change. But that’s not the case. You’re still selecting dates. He’s a very important guest, so if you really want him there, you should plan around him— that’s entirely on you.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I mean ultimately the decision is yours— but you have to pick your priority. It’s a matter of deciding what’s more important to you— the date, or having your brother there
    • Reply
  • S
    Devoted January 2019
    S ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    You can have your wedding whenever you want, but it's absolutely wrong to pressure your brother to attend. He needs to be there for his wife and future child. The baby is as much his responsibility as his wife's. He needs to be there in case she gets sick, if she needs help with the existing kids, if the baby comes early, etc.

    Also, I would be careful with your behavior if you want to have a good relationship with your SIL. Expecting her husband to leave her when she is heavily pregnant could be very hurtful.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

The Best Black Friday and Cyber Monday Deals for Your Wedding
Wedding Services The Best Black Friday and Cyber Monday Deals for Your... The holiday season is the perfect time to score wedding deals. These Cyber...
These Are The 20 Most Romantic Piano Wedding Songs
Wedding Songs & Music These Are The 20 Most Romantic Piano Wedding Songs Piano music sets the tone for the most romantic day of your life.
The Ultimate Guide to Greek Wedding Dances
Speeches & Traditions The Ultimate Guide to Greek Wedding Dances Rompi Rompi to Mavi Mavi, kick off your shoes and get ready to review classic...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics