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Kristin
Super May 2018

Brother's elopement

Kristin, on August 2, 2020 at 5:49 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 45
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This group helped me so much when I was planning my wedding, I'm back for some advice. Sorry that this is going to be long!


About 2 years ago my brother got married. My parents and I did a lot on the day - decorating, clean up, picking up rented decor from an hour away, overall just helping to make the day beautiful and perfect. It was what I would call a normal/traditional wedding with a ceremony and reception of 150 people.
Today they made a Facebook post about how they are celebrating their 3 year anniversary. I texted my brother saying I was confused. He admitted that they had eloped and gotten married with 2 witnesses a year before their wedding.
So they have been married for 3 years, not 2. The event I attended and helped with was in fact not their real wedding. Our entire extended family was in attendance and believed it to be their wedding. My 87 year old grandmother sat out in the hot sun for a ceremony that wasn't their actual wedding ceremony.
I told them that I was hurt and that what they did was wrong. Their position is that I'm ruining their anniversary and am not supportive of them. I said that the event we attended must mean nothing to them since they're celebrating today as their anniversary. And that they essentially stole time and money from those who traveled and attended. (The wedding was at a ski resort and involved travel and hotels). My parents also paid for most of the reception.
It's not that I wouldn't have helped/attended or happily celebrated a celebration of marriage event after they eloped. It's not that they eloped. It's that we were lied to all this time and led to believe we were participating in a wedding. My mom is crushed of course to learn through Facebook that her son got married and didn't tell her.
My SIL unfriended me but they made a big post about how they didn't mean to hurt anyone and how they are thankful for everyone who is supporting them. And how they are hurt by those who said they "lied" (they did!) And that they "had a fake wedding" (it was!). All the comments seem to be in support of their actions and I'm the odd one out. To me I believe if you're going to elope then own it. You don't get 2 wedding days!
So am I in the wrong here? And how do we move past this to have any relationship with them going forward, or is that even possible at this point?

45 Comments

Latest activity by S, on September 7, 2020 at 8:34 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    You have every right to be upset. It's extremely deceitful for couples to lie to their friends and family about getting married, especially if they're going to pass their vow renewal off as a wedding. This is one of my biggest pet peeves and I hope that some of the couples that come to WW planning to do the same thing, change their minds when they see how hurtful it can be. I don't know that I would end my relationship with my brother over this, but I think it's okay to distance yourself and work through your feelings.

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  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Ditto. I hope this serves as a very real response to secret weddings. The truth will always come out and there will always be very hurt feelings. Kristen, I’m sorry that you and your mom are experiencing these very real and valid emotions after finding out about your brothers deception.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I don't see a problem with eloping and later having a second wedding it's 2020 and every bride deserves to have her dream wedding regardless of eloping, but you don't lie about eloping. however I see a big issue with them going behind everyones back to elope and not tell anyone and have everyone they lied to help them pay and set up and take down for their second wedding. That's just extremely dirty to do to your family. I wouldn't cut your brother out of your life, but I would talk to them about how hurt you guys are and explain to them why what they did was wrong.
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    One of my dearest friends eloped 1month before their “wedding” day. No one to this day knows that.
    So they let it slip they’ve been married 3 years versus 2, is it really a crime? Stop holding something against them, they celebrated 1 year later on the same day with their families.
    This is so minor in the grand scheme of things. I’m by no way saying your feelings are unfounded, I’m just saying is it really worth losing/ruining a family relationship over?
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree with Caytlyn on this one. It's wrong for them to lie, because if they were honest from the beginning their wouldn't have been an issue. I would sort through my feelings and at a later point in time I would meet up with them about how I feel.
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree with Caytlyn on this one. It's wrong for them to lie, because if they were honest from the beginning their wouldn't have been an issue. I would sort through my feelings and at a later point in time I would meet up with them about how I feel.
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  • VIP August 2020
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    I definitely agree that this is wrong. It's okay to get married and still have a ceremony and a party later, but don't pretend that you were engaged up until that day. It's even more offensive that he wouldn't have told his immediate family and then made the announcement on social media. I don't think you should end your relationship over this, but he and his wife might be people who you care about but have to keep a distance from, kind of like how you might if he had appalling political opinions he couldn't keep to himself.
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  • Sharon
    Super September 2021
    Sharon ·
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    I understand your being upset because you feel lied to and betrayed. But why does the fact that they had eloped take anything away from the day you celebrated with them? Was the ceremony any less special? The party any less fun? Would you have not attended or helped set up? Maybe they had their own personal reasons for doing it and not telling anyone. But that's between them and no one else. People are entitled to their privacy. Maybe they wanted to have that moment just between them without all the craziness. Who knows? In the grand scheme if things is it really that big of a deal? No one has the right to judge someone. He's your brother. Is this really worth ruining your relationship with him?


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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I totally agree with you.
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I don’t think there is any issue with them having 2 wedding days, and I know it is not uncommon for people to elope and then do a big event later on down the track. I do question the validity of it though… did they sign 2 marriage licenses?

    Notwithstanding this, the problem is that they lied to everyone. Had they told everyone they were eloping and would do a big white wedding later on I don’t think this would have been an issue, but they had everyone under false pretences.

    I definitely think this is something everyone can and will recover from, however it will require your brother and SIL acknowledging that while what they did was not malicious, it was not right for them to deceive everyone as a matter of principle.

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  • Jessie
    Devoted September 2020
    Jessie ·
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    I agree with you completely! Wanna elope? Fine. Don't wanna tell anyone? Fine. But be honest with the people paying for it. Your parents should have known they were basically paying for a vow renewal. And now they wanna have an anniversary party (3 yrs is too early for me, just my opinion). Sounds like they want money or gifts! Which is ridiculous considering people just spent a lot of money on them only 2 years ago.


    They should have told everyone in the beginning or just never have told anyone.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    Thank you. I think this is partly why I wanted to share this story because I remember brides on this forum considering something similar.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    Thank you, I guess part of it is that we were never thanked or appreciated for any of the work we did that day. They never sent thank you notes to anyone either. It is crushing that someone who is supposed to be your family feels the need to hide their marriage from you and then deceive you into attending a fake wedding.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    Unfortunately they will not acknowledge that it is wrong to lie. To them it is my fault for ruining their anniversary (which I only just found out was today) and for not reacting in a supportive way.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    It's fine if they wanted to celebrate just the 2 of them. But why lie about it? I was led to believe I was a part of their wedding day when it was not. It was all a big lie and that date means nothing to them.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    Yes they did act like they were engaged the entire time. There are all these countdown type Facebook posts like "100 days until we say I do!" When in reality they were already married. It is so sad and hard to be deceived by someone who you care about.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    They sound like the type of people who will never see the wrong in their doings and when anyone points out their lies and wrong doings they try playing the victim instead of admitting the did wrong and apologize for it. I know someone who is like this, she never does wrong and if you accuse her of doing wrong immediately plays the victim. And I had to learn that she will never ever change. And they probably won't either. I know it sucks but don't waste your time and energy on people who can't see the wrong they do. I'm not saying to cut them out of your life, but if they want to hide the fact that they eloped a year before their fake wedding then I wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that they have been married for 3 years.
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  • Kristin
    Super May 2018
    Kristin ·
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    Thank you this is exactly what I needed to read. You're right that they always play the victim and turn it around that their actions are always perfect and if you disagree, you're out to get them. It's been made pretty clear by them that they are looking for a reason to cut us out and how this has all played out is that is what's happening.
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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    You have the right to have your own opinion, but if that's what they chose to do then I don't think anyone should be upset. Many people elope and have a wedding later for many reasons and I wouldn't be upset if I attended a "wedding" after someone already eloped.

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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I agree 100% with this response, that is how I also feel. Many people elope and have a wedding later, I don't see a problem with it.

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