Brother's elopement

Did they lie or did they not come out and announce "we are already technically married?" Either way I don't see the big deal about it.

Maybe they had their own reasons for doing it or wanting to be private. I understand you are upset because you weren't informed, I'm just saying that this actually happens often and they have the right to do things their way. Just because it isn't "tradition" doesn't means its wrong, thats all.

I understand being upset. If they wanted to elope and that's what was right for them that's great and wanting to celebrate at a later date is also perfectly fine, but the fact that everyone was led to believe that the large celebration was their actual wedding I believe is unfair the those that took part in making it perfect because like you said you would have been there regardless. I think it's one of those things that you're just going to have to accept and maybe apologize for your initial reaction and just explain that you were surprised and a little hurt. At the end of the day your family got to celebrate together and you don't want to ruin your relationship

Do you know why they eloped a year before the wedding?

I see. Sounds shady. My feeling would be hurt too. Unfortunately there's not much you can do. It sounds like it's a bigger issue with their behavior from your other posts about them not being appreciative and never admitting when they're wrong. I guess if you want to maintain the relationship, you just have to accept who they are and act accordingly.

Well I'm sorry you feel that way.

I am absolutely with the majority who feels it's wrong to lie. Why add that baggage to a marriage when the truth is a simple and easy path? It's very telling that the reason they chose to lie is that they felt people wouldn't support them getting married when they were only engaged 3 weeks. Being an adult means making choices and standing by them. If they couldn't be honest with their loved ones, they were too immature to get married.

I really feel for you and your family, OP, who put so much time and money and effort in their fake wedding (note: I would never call an honest vow renewal/second ceremony/belated celebration a fake wedding). Since they chose to lie, they REALLY should have paid for, planned, and executed their fake wedding themselves.

I agree with Margaret and Sharon. It's a little weird that they lied, but who cares? As you said, it's not like you wouldn't have helped or went to celebrate with them, had you known they were already married. Really not that big of a deal. All said and done, and they're still happily married so not fair to be critical about it now.

Stuff like this is why this sort of thing is never a good idea*. If you lie about it it always comes out sooner or later, and if you're up front about it the energy often just isn't there.

Suppose someone has a graduation party. Everyone comes, gives gifts, celebrates the graduate, and then sometimes afterward, you find out they graduated last year. Wouldn't you be a little upset, maybe feel like you had been lied to?

Conversely, suppose you get invited to a graduation party and the invite specifically says "Class of (last year)". Wouldn't you side eye that a little? Why is this fool having a graduation party a year after the graduation? The graduation is over and done with; haven't they moved on?

OP I know you say you would still have helped if they were up front about already being married, but tbh, I don't know if you would have and I think a lot of people wouldn't even attend. It sucks for the people involved, but it is what it is. This is probably an unpopular opinion, but there are some things in life that you have moments for, and when the moment has passed, it's passed. Your brother and his wife lied because they wanted the anticipation and the unique energy that weddings have that vow renewals, anniversary parties etc. just don't have in the same way. "57 days until the wedding!" doesn't hit the same as "57 days until the vow renewal!" There's just no good way to do this; they wanted to get married ASAP and they wanted their guests and the event to feel like a wedding. They got that, but now the truth comes out and at least some people feel deceived.

*I put an asterisk on this because Covid. People this year don't have the options that people did before and eventually will again, so I give them more latitude because they didn't really choose this.

I know of several couples that have had a secret wedding that few knew about and then had a "wedding" later that everyone believed to be the real wedding. I don't think its fair to judge, and there are countless reasons why a couple might choose to wed in secret and not tell anyone.

We had to scrap our wedding plans due to Covid and struggled with whether or not to elope or postpone entirely, because we wanted our big day to feel real. There are countless posts of concerned brides on here struggling with the same and worried and wondering if people will care or attend their postponed event if they legally marry earlier. That sentiment is VERY real.

The fact that you are posting about feeling disappointed and that your brother wasted your time and money on his "fake" wedding is exactly why people are so distraught that their postponed celebrations won't feel the same, that guests won't be excited, and that their day won't be given the same legitimacy as a couple who decides to wait and "make it legal" in front of all of their guests. Weddings are about the couple - not about you or your parents.

When I was super stressed about whether to marry or postpone, my coworker said his brother did a small ceremony with just immediate family because he was in the military and then had a bigger "redo" wedding later, complete with vows, exchanging rings, cake, a first dance, and all of the wedding traditions. He said the wedding was awesome and felt no different than if they had made it legal the same day. So I asked if anyone knew the couple was already married and he said no, they kept the original wedding a secret from everyone. No couple wants to feel like their wedding day doesn't matter just because their legal marriage happened at a different time.

I agree that finding out via a Facebook post is hurtful, and at the point at which your brother is was going to make public the fact that he and his partner married earlier, he should have at least told your parents (and possibly you) first before publishing it online. I think its fair to be upset that you found out the way you did, but I don't think its fair to be upset that a secret wedding happened, or that you put time and energy into a big event that didn't end up being the legal moment they became married. It was still their wedding, and that day and the celebration surrounding it still likely meant the world to your brother and his spouse. It's fair for them to want to honor their legal marriage as their anniversary, and for the wedding day to be a special and meaningful event it it's own right, even if the dates or years don't align.

I think you have every right to be upset and should NOT be the odd man out here. It would be different if it had just been a simple backyard wedding or something like that, but to have it at a resort, have people travel and put out money for hotels and travel expenses, likely time off of work for some.... that was just wrong. I would be more than a little upset.

I agree here. It is a little weird, they may have had reasons at the time that helped them justify it. However, this is really no big deal in the long run - no sense in getting worked up about someone else's marriage. They cared enough to celebrate with all of their friends and family. It's been three years, I'm sure everyone has new things to worry about at this point.

I was going to write my own post, but this poster characterized everything I was feeling so well. With so many things tied to marriage in this country - health benefits, the ability to make decisions for an ailing partner, and other privileges reserved for married couples - is it any wonder some people would choose to do the legal part early and save the big celebration for later? It doesn't make the union any less real or the celebration any less special.

I find these discussions so unusual and illuminating. There are clearly people here that feel *personally affronted* by other people's life choices.

I've never been able to really understand where this comes from - I guess I should stop lying to my niece and nephew about Santa Claus, and I know I definitely lied to my partner about a 30th surprise birthday I threw for him a few years back, and oh gosh I'm pretty sure I've lied to other people when I said I was excited they were coming to my wedding when really they were the distant cousins I thought would say no. I am a terrible and horrible liar.

You support your friends and family, or you don't. It's definitely valid to ask why they didn't trust you with the truth - but many times it's just that it's private between a couple. Are your friends supposed to tell you the second they start trying to conceive? No, that's kind of a weird ask. They might not even tell you if they have a miscarriage - that's between them. It kind of starts to make accusing people of lying super petty, right?

If I felt this angry about finding out a friend's truth, I'd want to think that I would sit quietly and think on why it's upsetting me so much. Why am I taking it so personally, and does this anger overshadow the relationship? If you start from a place of assuming that they had the best intentions (vs. the *worst* - with the lying...) that may be more productive. What do I know - I'm a terrible and horrible liar.