Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Super May 2018

Brother's elopement

Flag
Hide content

Kristin, on August 2, 2020 at 5:49 PM

This group helped me so much when I was planning my wedding, I'm back for some advice. Sorry that this is going to be long!

About 2 years ago my brother got married. My parents and I did a lot on the day - decorating, clean up, picking up rented decor from an hour away, overall just helping to make the day beautiful and perfect. It was what I would call a normal/traditional wedding with a ceremony and reception of 150 people.
Today they made a Facebook post about how they are celebrating their 3 year anniversary. I texted my brother saying I was confused. He admitted that they had eloped and gotten married with 2 witnesses a year before their wedding.
So they have been married for 3 years, not 2. The event I attended and helped with was in fact not their real wedding. Our entire extended family was in attendance and believed it to be their wedding. My 87 year old grandmother sat out in the hot sun for a ceremony that wasn't their actual wedding ceremony.
I told them that I was hurt and that what they did was wrong. Their position is that I'm ruining their anniversary and am not supportive of them. I said that the event we attended must mean nothing to them since they're celebrating today as their anniversary. And that they essentially stole time and money from those who traveled and attended. (The wedding was at a ski resort and involved travel and hotels). My parents also paid for most of the reception.
It's not that I wouldn't have helped/attended or happily celebrated a celebration of marriage event after they eloped. It's not that they eloped. It's that we were lied to all this time and led to believe we were participating in a wedding. My mom is crushed of course to learn through Facebook that her son got married and didn't tell her.
My SIL unfriended me but they made a big post about how they didn't mean to hurt anyone and how they are thankful for everyone who is supporting them. And how they are hurt by those who said they "lied" (they did!) And that they "had a fake wedding" (it was!). All the comments seem to be in support of their actions and I'm the odd one out. To me I believe if you're going to elope then own it. You don't get 2 wedding days!
So am I in the wrong here? And how do we move past this to have any relationship with them going forward, or is that even possible at this point?

Show all

45 Comments

Master October 2022
Jana · on August 29, 2020 at 5:17 PM
Flag

Hide content
Kristin, I agree with you completely. It would have been one thing for them to say 'this is our renewal of vows that everyone is invited to' but they chose not to. So sorry that you were disowned for your stance but that doesn't make them right.
No matter who anyone is, the day they sign the legal paperwork that deems them married, that is their real wedding day. Anything else following is a renewal of vows. It is NOT a wedding. The wedding is the process of becoming married legally.

You are correct that people need to be transparent and honest and own up to their choices. This is a prime example of all that backfiring by losing family members who don't see through the rose colored glasses of 'no one will care what we do, they're all happy for us'. The consensus of feeling defrauded happens more often than people realize, especially when the couple says 'we got legally married on whatever date but this is our real wedding since that one was fake and we aren't renewing vows at all' regardless if guests know about the prior elopement or not.
- Reply
Savvy March 2021
S · on September 7, 2020 at 2:35 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

Actually, I just want to reply to just the last line. Opinions are not worth distancing moves. Now, you have the right to say, "I don't agree with that, but I really don't prefer to talk about it. I love/cherish you, and don't want to argue or discuss it. Can we talk about other things?" And if they still talk about it (frequently) then you can reply with, "I'm sorry, I really don't like talking about this. I'm going to go." Then leave and the next time you see each other, most people have gotten the message to talk about other things. But distancing yourself from a relationship (in a more permanent sense), as if they were relatives who stole money from you, is rather drastic. To them, you probably have appalling political opinions. Differences make the world go around and I truly believe the next step we have to take as a human race is not to "eliminate" people with different opinions but work to respect and compromise. (I say all this because it's something I am working on myself. Plus, recently changed *part* of my political opinion about something, and a close friend of mine for 8 yrs distanced/dropped me like a hot potato! I mean, the opinion I changed doesn't even affect either one of us and it's not a huge issue. It's just, cancel culture is crazy....)
- Reply
Savvy March 2021
S · on September 7, 2020 at 2:48 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

The only part I'm replying to is regarding the portion about the legal paperwork/real wedding day. (Because I do agree, that they lied and considered themselves "married" while everyone believed for a year that they were engaged).
My sister & brother in law wanted a dual linguistic & spiritual friend/mentor of theirs to officiate their wedding ceremony. He couldn't get officiated in time, so they went to the courthouse a few days before and signed the paperwork so he could officiate the ceremony. Neither of them acted like they were married and they both said they didn't feel married. A few days later, when they had the ceremony/reception, they said that's when they felt married and that was their wedding.
I think there is a difference one when people get "married" versus the paperwork being signed. I Love Lucy has a whole episode about how one of them forgot to sign their marriage certificate and Lucy believed they weren't really married for all those years. Very funny, I recommend watching. But, the real wedding is when the couple believes their ceremony takes place/when their marriage begins. It could be when they have the public ceremony or when they make the spiritual/religious side of their vows. Because then they are making the declaration in front of everyone, or God, that now they are joined together.
- Reply
VIP August 2020
· on September 7, 2020 at 8:26 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I specifically said that I didn't think this was worth ending a relationship over, and I think it's good to have relationships with people who have differing political opinions. Everyone has a different idea of what qualifies as an appalling political opinion, and I explicitly phrased it that way to be as clear as possible without mentioning any particular views. If everyone you know will stop talking about a subject when you ask them to or get the message when you leave a conversation once, then congratulations, I guess? But I think most of us know at least one person who cannot stop talking about conspiracy theories (or something similarly absurd) regardless of the original topic of conversation and no matter how many times they are asked to stop. I still don't think you should end relationships with those people if you genuinely care about them, but it can be necessary to create some distance. If you frequently spend time with someone and every conversation with them ends with you incredibly stressed out and thinking, "do we both live on the same planet?" it will be difficult to maintain a relationship for any length of time.
In this situation, OP's brother and SIL lied to her and others about when they were getting married, casually mentioned in on social media two years later without saying anything to her first, and then got mad at her for being annoyed about it. That's exemplary of the kind of difference in mindset (not just opinion) that might warrant creating some distance.
- Reply

Savvy March 2021
S · on September 7, 2020 at 8:34 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I was just talking about the last line. But thank you for clarifying, the first post's line read differently and read rather harsh. I agree with you that the brother & sister in law did the wrong thing and that they lied. Hope that couple realizes what they did wrong and can apologize.
- Reply