Bummed about not having a Bachelorette Party

View Quoted Comment Honestly, how mature of you to act like wishing to “like” a gif was more important than being a supportive and possibly helpful person that could have done something good for someone else instead of resorting to insults. I work every single day to make sure my wedding planning goes smoothly, which it has, until this last month or so. I have every right to be frustrated and bummed about not having the bachelorette party that I wanted. And I am one of those people that cares about getting married because I have a fiancé that loves me and supports me and we planned a pretty fantastic wedding that is hyped up by our guests since the pandemic happened. If you suggest I just go it alone on a solo Bach trip, than you are a part of what’s wrong with society when you can’t help to build people up and instead seek the opportunity to tear them down in their possibly most vulnerable moments (and putting myself out there for scrutiny is a big risk in itself). People like my bridal party can change their minds if they want, but I can’t force anyone to do that. I hope everything works out for me, and I sure hope wedding planning goes well for you.

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You posted on a public forum and do not seem to like the responses you are receiving but that in no way makes the responses improper.

It is lovely that you have gotten your bridesmaids their gifts but their honour of being your bridesmaids isn't a contract - they aren't obligated to return some sort of a favour to you (and doing "something nice") by reason of you buying them gifts, and if you expect them to, that completely detracts from the idea of giving any sort of a gift.

I have in no way been inappropriate in putting your own words to you - objectively speaking I don't see how that is in any way problematic and I get the impression that you don't respond well to constructive criticism and don't like the fact that myself (and others) have tried to reason with you and have put your own words into the equation to get the point across.

I didn't myself get everything I wanted when planning my wedding because I realised that I had to factor in other people and their interests to the extent anything involved persons other than me and my now husband, and that was totally ok with me because I acknowledged that sometimes making ourselves happy at the cost of other people is not worth it, but I get the impression that our views on accommodating others differs significantly.

Good luck to you on your journey to absolute happiness at whatever cost, I wish you the best.

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We're not here to validate everything a poster says, though. Believe it or not, the people who are telling you the truth are being supportive. It's easier just to agree and say, "yeah, you're right, those people are awful and you have every right to be angry". Where does that leave you? Vindicated? Angry? Does that help you move on?

View Quoted Comment Well, part of me asking them to be my bridesmaids, they should have known going in that there would be events other than the wedding to attend to. I didn’t make them pay much for their dresses, and I’m paying for basically everything else. I’m not saying that because I got them gifts and footing the bill for other things that they are being forced to do something for me. One would think that being a bridesmaid, it would be honorable to attend certain events before the wedding. It’s hard to really feel good not celebrating in a more private and exclusive manner before the wedding as well. So that I can be with ALL the girls I chose to stand by my side before all eyes are basically on me on the big day. And how would you feel if complete strangers nitpicked your every statement? It would suck right? I’ve been lucky to be surrounded by my fiancé’s family who basically told me that “it is your day” and that “it’s not about anyone else”, so while I’m factoring in making everyone else in my wedding as well as guests happy, I myself can’t be happy especially knowing that basically all my bridesmaids would not commit to a Bach trip. And because of that I have to deal with the fallout of that circumstance and care more about their needs over my own.

You're the one making the statements, that's on you.

Again, there is nothing more than the wedding to attend to. They need to be at your side on the day. I'm not sure why this is so hard to understand for you.

View Quoted Comment If you were supposedly being supportive, you have a funny way of showing it. I mean, wouldn’t it have been a whole lot easier to maybe see that I had a right to be frustrated, all the while getting advice from people in the hopes that maybe they had some experience in this matter, or knew the right thing to say in a non-critical, unbiased way? Because I think in my position, if I wanted to tell my bridesmaids how they truly made me feel, I think it’s worth the risk in speaking my truth than letting it get bottled up and then by the time the wedding day rolls around, there’s bad vibes all around, and nobody wants that. As someone who can’t let things go easily, this is something that needs to be addressed, and then I can feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. If it makes them feel bad, it’s not going to make me feel better about it. But to feel like it didn’t bother them and they would move on with their lives not caring if a bachelorette party mattered or not in the long run, hurt me because after they all messaged and called me and said they couldn’t swing it, that was the last I heard from them about that subject (until my matron of honor and bridesmaid wanted to plan something with just the three of us). I’m not suggesting that that wasn’t good enough for me, but I wished that ALL my girls were as communicative and supportive like I hoped they would be, especially when there wasn’t an alternative plan b for the whole group and not just a few.

View Quoted Comment So you’re telling me that the bridal party isn’t required to attend the rehearsal/dinner, bridal shower, etc and is only supposed to just show up on the day of the wedding? How do you think it would make them look if they didn’t support a bride like that then? What if not one of your bridesmaids showed up for you for those things? You’d feel pretty awful and offended, wouldn’t you? Is that so hard to understand for you?

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That's what I'm saying. None of this is written in stone.

Also some of them are showing up for you, jut not in the way you've decided is legitimate.

When I'm a person getting married, I'm someone who is exchanging vows with someone else. I've invited other people to be in attendance because they mean something to me, and I'm honoured they've taken time to come help me celebrate that.

The ring on your finger does not entitle you to what you think it does.

Practice gratitude.

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If you search these forums you’ll see that the topic of attending pre-wedding events comes up quite regularly and the general consensus is that while attendance at these events is appreciated, it is not mandatory and does not in itself suggest that the bridal party members aren't supportive of the bride.

View Quoted Comment This, 100%. I understand you’re disappointed. It would’ve been nice if they could’ve made your dream happen, but the reality is that everyone has their own life events going on at the same time as your desired weekend. It doesn’t sound like any of them bailed because they didn’t want to support you, life just got in the way. This happens when you’re an adult. Have you ever not made something because something came up? It’s unfortunate it happened to you, but it’s not their fault and it shouldn’t be relationship ending.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry, but I’ve never heard of anyone only showing up for the day of the wedding, that’s a joke I keep hearing about towards the groom not the bridesmaids. So any other pre-wedding event in between is considered trivial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things? Correct me if I’m clearly so dumb in understanding (after all, I’m a first time bride). And at least we agree on the reason why people should show up in the first place, I’m not ungrateful to that. But to not attend a pre-wedding event with such short notice from all of them at the same time was in poor taste on their part. Im not saying their excuses for missing my bachelorette party are illegitimate, but because they knew so far in advance when I was planning on having it, they were all marking their calendars for that day and then conveniently things in their lives got in the way. And I’m not going to be 100% serious in saying my ring entitled me to at least a “last fling” meaning bachelorette party, but they knew I was the type of person who wanted a bachelorette party and I deserved to spend it how I wanted to (like any other bride-to-be who actually WANTS to have a bachelorette party near or far and with the people she cares the most about to accompany her on the trip).

View Quoted Comment So…because I wasn’t part of the “general consensus” my opinion was wrong? But for my bridal party, it certainly is coming across like they weren’t/aren’t being supportive when they didn’t consider my feelings being the bride-to-be. Plus, since everyone pretty much told me they couldn’t go (separately), imagine if they ALL knew that they ALL told me they couldn’t go to my bachelorette party and I wonder how they would feel then. Would they even try to make it up to me? That was going through my head in the moment. You don’t know my friends better than I do, so I can tell you that I felt unsupported. And that’s why I came on here and made a discussion, hoping someone has ever been in the same boat as me. Sorry I didn’t take the time to scroll through and see if that was the case without stating my case. And when I received the comments from majority of people here, I felt ganged up on and misunderstood, when I should have been supported, you know, bride to bride. That’s all.

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No need to apologize, Lauren, we all wrote a lot. I'm glad my comment was helpful to you! Wishing all of you the best!

I can't believe how harsh some of these comments are! Everyone has different expectations for their wedding, their bridesmaids, and even their bachelorette parties. It's okay to want the dream bachelorette vacation and totally valid to be upset when that falls through. I think communication is key here, and if you did tell your bridesmaids a year in advance that you wanted to make the trip happen - and especially if they all agreed at the time - that it would be very disappointing for it to not happen.

You're not wrong for being disappointed about your plans falling through. It really sucks and I think anyone would be upset. Unfortunately it seems like unexpected life circumstances got in the way for a lot of your bridesmaids which no one can control, it doesn't mean that you can't be internally upset though.

If I were you, I would go out and enjoy the bachelorette your friends are surprising you with. It seems they do truly know it is important to you to celebrate and they are doing it in the best way they know how at this point.

Maybe you can see if the rest of your bridal party is available to arrive a day or two earlier for your wedding and you can plan a big get-together with all of them prior to your big day. It may not be exactly what you envisioned, but it will give you more time to spend with all of them prior to getting married.

I think trying to plan a girl's trip later on down the line is a good idea as long as you don't go into it with expectations that they're all supposed to want to go because they missed your bachelorette.

Unfortunately, this scenario is really common over the past few years. One of my best friends I was a bridesmaid for lost out on her original dream wedding date, her bridal shower, and bachelorette altogether because of COVID. She hasn't even been able to have a honeymoon and her wedding was 2 years ago. We actually invited them to join us on ours as a friends vacation with some other couples attending too. It was really hard for her to get over that, so I can understand your feelings.

Hopefully this is something you can eventually look on the bright side of. In the grand scheme of things this probably wont matter to you in a year or so, and you'll be happy that your friends were able to come together for you day-of.

View Quoted Comment Wow, thank you for the thoughtful comment! I really do agree that Covid screwed things up for a lot of people and I know a lot of people are looking forward to celebrating the wedding because we could use some good news around here. I guess I can see the perspective of still enjoying something small with a couple of my bridesmaids, but I really hope I can talk to them and see if they would be open to the idea of something I really wanted down the road. Also, it might matter to me somewhat because my fiancé’s future sister-in-law (also one of my bridesmaids) is most likely going to have her bachelorette party in Vegas (where I wanted to go), so I don’t want to seem jealous if I’m able to go to that even though everyone I asked are unable to go when I hoped they would. I hope things can be worked out before the wedding day too!

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I do agree on the communication thing, and I think that in the end, I was the one that was trying to plan something like a bachelorette party, and giving ideas for what I wanted to do, AND on top of that, wondering why my bridal party wasn't being very communicative with me when these crucial conversations were originally said. I have a maid of honor (my sister) who’s co-planning my bridal shower and my matron of honor and her sister who is a bridesmaid was helping plan the bachelorette party, and I don’t really feel like they were helping to communicate with the rest of the group about planning anything and it was left all on my shoulders to handle (and that in itself can be overwhelming for a bride). So when things sounded like they were going to work out, I got super excited and made a whole itinerary and invitations. But when everyone told me they couldn’t make the trip after all, I got super bummed and depressed thinking that I never had a plan b. I’m hoping to still like what is low-key planned that weekend for me, because I don’t want them to see or feel like I’m not still appreciative for the effort of trying to make it up to me.

Well, OP has decided to be disappointed in her friends and there is nothing I can say about that. But I do think this post is a fantastic example for future brides who are just beginning to plan about the perils of getting too attached to a "dream bachelorette" party when it's literally impossible to force life (hello, COVID, bills, work, childcare, etc.) and other people to recreate dreams for you.

This is the main reason that the most common advice is to wait until friends/family plan these optional events. If the ones who aren't getting married but are still on the hook for paying for travel/decor/entertainment (plus getting time off from work) get to make the decisions about location, dates, and budget, then these things are far more likely to be successful.

But if brides get too far invested into their "dream vision" for events that aren't the wedding itself, then they are almost guaranteed to be disappointed. Because life and people are complicated.

View Quoted Comment There’s nothing wrong with me being disappointed, and clearly you do have a lot to say about this subject. So much so to point you’re insulting me and blaming me for feeling the way I do. I was at a point where I was helping to plan it by looking at Bach swag, and there’s nothing wrong with doing that. It’s not that I didn’t trust those who were originally planning it, I was giving them a helping hand. I have it on good authority that they were going to be contributing quite a bit for the trip, but that’s not why they initially decided/intended to back out at the last minute. And please, don’t bother making me the poster child for when bachelorette party planning goes awry. I was hyped and looking forward to my “last fling before the ring”, and if that ended in disappointment, that’s the risk I took. The greater the risk the bigger the reward, right? Personally, I think bachelorette parties should be optional if you (me) wants them to be optional. If that was the case for you, all the power to ya, but that’s certainly not me, and that’s okay. And they asked me where I wanted to go, and they seemed to be okay with it in the beginning, they weren’t going to pressure or force me into going to a place that wasn’t my taste. See, that’s the decision they made when they were planning it with me. And finally, I can’t control what other people do, even if I planned my wedding down to a t.

This post is kinda old, but I feel like the OP got slammed and wanted to say something. @Lauren, if you asked your bridal party and set the expectation that you wanted a big, super fun bach party (and hopefully you were willing/able to help pay and bring down the likely considerable cost) you set the expectation.

I don't know why the comments are saying that makes you unrealistic, but I don't think it does. If that's what YOU wanted and you made that clear and your party dropped the last minute, you have every right to be disappointed! Especially if it was a co-party! I would be freaking crushed.

It doesn't seem like it was a money issue for your 'maids. If it was, it doesn't look like they were super honest about it. I have 6 'maids and were going to Miami for the party, I planned it out and told them how much it would be and asked if that was feasible for everyone ($600). 3 of the 6 reached out privately and said they were worried about the cost, so I offered to cover half of each of their trips. They were grateful and committed. So, if they decide last minute to bail, am I going to be mad? Absolutely. I don't see why that makes us crazy lmao

I'm so sorry your 'maids didn't follow through for you. When you have a certain expectation and your friends fall short, it can be hard to stay positive and feel like you got the celebration you wanted. I would sit down with the 'maids (if this is still ongoing) and tell them you really wanted to an out of town weekend, and present some options for them. I.e: Miami for $600, Dallas for $300, Colorado for $450, and see if you guys can't come to do something amazing! It will definitely help if you pitch in, too. I was able to bring the cost down for my 'maids considerably!