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Just Said Yes November 2022

Can anyone relate? fmil invited to dress shopping?

Michaela, on October 21, 2019 at 9:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 34

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I’m still a ways out from dress shopping so I have time to decide. I have a wonderful relationship with my FH family and I love them all so much! I am trying to decide if I should invite my FMIL to go dress shopping with me and my mom. Here are some details:
-My FMIL lives in another state, but would at least try to be there for dress shopping if invited
-My FH middle brother is getting married in June, they also live in a different state than FMIL and she attended the dress shopping for FSIL

The main reason I’m torn is because I’m an only child, and throughout all my life every prom and formal dress shopping was just me and my mom. So it seems fitting that wedding dress shopping is once again, me and mom. It’s kind of become one of our “things” throughout my life and I treasure those memories I have of spending time with her doing these things. I want to do a first look with my bridal party, so I won’t be having any of them come with me. Aside from now feeling a little obligated to invite FMIL dress shopping (because she was included in FSIL) I’m worried that if I don’t at least invite her it will look bad as well as hurt her feelings, which I don’t want to do. She doesn’t have any girls so this would really be the only opportunities she has to do something like this. But I don’t really want to give up the last time my mom and I will have to do something like this together just us, which I realize is a bit selfish of me

It’s hard asking for advice from FH, my mom, and my friends, because they all just tell me the same thing which is “You don’t have to bring anyone with you that you don’t want to”.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has dealt with this, and if so what you decided to do?

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Latest activity by MIWM, on August 5, 2020 at 8:34 PM

Expert November 2020
Shelby · on October 21, 2019 at 9:58 PM
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My mom and I went together first. I found the dress! I am now taking my bridal party back to the boutique in a couple weeks (where I will be officially asking them to be in the wedding), plus I invited his mom as well because we will have to find MOH’s dress which is my FSIL in that same day since she lives out of state. FMIL said she would have to get back to me because it will be a weekday and she may have to work, but at least I made the invite and left the ball in her court. 😊
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on October 21, 2019 at 10:02 PM
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There are plenty of things that your FMIL can be included in during wedding planning, dress shopping doesn’t have to be one of them. If it would make her feel more included, she could come to a fitting once you pick the dress.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on October 21, 2019 at 10:09 PM
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I understand what you mean, I'm an only child as well so its always been me and my mom shopping for formal dresses. Unfortunately, my FH's mom passed away before I bad a chance to meet her but I wanted to include my FSIL, trying to bond with her but she lives in another state and couldn't make it so we tried to facetime her when I tried on a dress that I really liked. The other person I invited was my god mother, who my mom is close with. She doesn't have any daughters so I thought she would like it. I asked my mom to make sure she was ok with me inviting my god mother. She was completely fine it and like the idea. I would just ask your mom to make sure she is ok with it.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Michaela · on October 21, 2019 at 10:12 PM
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I hadn’t even thought about inviting her to a fitting! I really like this idea, thank you!
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Michaela · on October 21, 2019 at 10:18 PM
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I’m so glad someone else understands where I’m coming from! Basically everyone I’m friends with has siblings so they don’t really get it and think I’m being weird, or they just have different experiences than I do
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Michaela · on October 21, 2019 at 10:20 PM
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I like the idea of going with my mom, and then bringing everyone back later to find their dresses for the wedding, or having her come to a fitting. I hadn’t even thought of these things before!
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on October 21, 2019 at 10:22 PM
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Oh yeah I totally get that! I'm one of the few that was an only child growing up. But yes I just asked my mom if she was ok with my aunt/god mother coming. I would ask her is she comfortable with you inviting your FMIL. If not I agree with the PP about inviting her to a fitting. Or to help pick our your veil or something like that too.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on October 21, 2019 at 10:32 PM
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I'm not an only child, but I am the only girl. What I did was go shopping the 1st time with just my mom so we could have that experience. Then, the 2nd trip (which is actually when I found my dress) I had my MIL, MOH, and 1 bridesmaid with me. I wanted that individual mother-daughter experience, but I also wanted those other women there because I am so close with them. I feel like I got the best of both worlds, and it was nice to have less people as my mom and I figured out what general shapes/styles worked best for me.
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Expert November 2021
Jade · on October 22, 2019 at 2:04 AM
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I also went back and forth with this because I felt that it would hurt her feelings if she wasn’t invited and it was important to my FH, but I get very easily overwhelmed so I really just wanted it to be my mom and MOH/sister with me. My FMIL is very vocal so I was worried that this would interfere. I also know that I want my dress to be kept very secret, and she is quite the gossip (so far only my mom, Godmother, and 3 BMs have seen it and they were sworn to secrecy). I ended up deciding I would go to a few shops with just mom and MOH, and then invite her to a dress shop where I wouldn’t get a dress just so she would feel included. I ended up picking a dress from the first store I went to so she wasn’t there. I am extremely glad she wasn’t because I was very right about her telling everyone about it. I was with her, my mom, and my MOH and she showed us all her nieces wedding dress and told us how awful she thought it was. My dress is very unconventional so I can only imagine what she would’ve said about mine to everyone else. I say just bring your mom because that is what it seems like you want to do as it’s a special tradition for you. Plus she knows you and your style probably much better than anyone so she’ll know how to be helpful in a good way!
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Super April 2020
Anna · on October 22, 2019 at 2:23 AM
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I was the exact same way as you. My fmil doesn't have any girls. I didn't invite her, cause i wanted it to be just my family. Well for the second store, i invited her and it made her day. I say just invite her. if she doesn't show, that's on her, but i think just the invite will make her happy, even if she can't make it.
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VIP September 2019
Mrs. Bubba · on October 22, 2019 at 5:29 AM
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What about duo or face timing FMiL so that she’s included but not really there?

You can frame it as a cost saving measure so that she doesn’t have to spend 💵 to attend.
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on October 22, 2019 at 8:04 AM
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Illl tell you the same thing: you don’t have to bring anyone with you that you don’t want to. I don’t have a relationship with my mom, and I was on the fence about inviting my FMIL dress shopping. I did and she was over the moon about it. She was so happy to be included with my family and I’m glad I did it.
Your situation is different - my suggestion would be that if you prefer to share that with your mom only, than invite FMIL to one of the fittings, just the two of you. You can even explain to her, I just wanted this time to be one of the last things my mom and I do alone. She’s a mom, she should understand. And if you have a good relationship with them anyway, I don’t see it being a major problem.
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Expert February 2020
Kristal · on October 22, 2019 at 9:41 AM
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It might be possible to invite her to a fitting or something after or if you end up with more than one appointment but i would keep the first one with just you and your mom. If there's a second appointment or when the dress comes in, invite her so she can see it. It will make her feel special/included without taking away from you and your mom's time.
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VIP October 2020
Taylor · on October 22, 2019 at 9:49 AM
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I went dress shopping with only my mom my entire life but ended up with a whole freaking entourage for wedding dress shopping. Originally, I was going to go with my mom and sister but then my grandmother threw herself a pity party and begged to come. I couldn't invite one without inviting the other so then the guest count turned to "me plus 4". Then my FSIL made a comment about how I "better not go shopping without her or she'd be mad" so I felt very backed into the corner and ended up tacking on my FMIL and both FSIL's. There were 7 people with me and it was awful. My grandmother made the entire experience miserable for me and I could not wait for it to end. My mom, though she won't admit it, was butthurt that it wasn't just us. So my advice: GO ALONE
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Dedicated October 2020
Neena · on October 22, 2019 at 11:54 AM
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You either want her there or you would rather share the experience with only your mom. It’s not too difficult of a decision to make. Don’t fret. Do what you want to do and not what makes someone else happy. It’s ok to be selfish here. It’s your day,
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Devoted October 2020
Teresa · on October 22, 2019 at 2:52 PM
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My FMIL is a wonderful woman and FH is her only child. I didn't actually give her a choice. I told her "Melissa, you're coming dress shopping with me". She was overjoyed and while she live in another state she is well within driving distance to me and I her.
My whole life was the same as yours just my Momski and I. I think I instantly invited my FMIL because I realize that I am blessed to have a FMIL that I love and she loves me back. I want to be a part of her life and I want her to feel as if I will always include her in the important moments I would include my Momski.
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Super March 2020
kymarmck · on October 22, 2019 at 3:03 PM
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Personally, I did not invited my FMIL and they weren't the least bit offended!
I think it's pretty standard that the bride usually ends up taking her family (ie: mom, grandma, aunt, bridal party, etc.) or her friends.
If you're fine with inviting your FMIL, go for it! But if having it be just your mom and you makes it more special, I don't think there's anything wrong with it! If you got any push back I would tell this exact story you posted. It's very heartwarming and I think anyone can understand why you want it to just be you and your mom!
You mentioned doing a first look with your bridal party - what if you included FMIL in with that so that she could experience seeing the dress for the first time with your bridal party??
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Lady · on October 22, 2019 at 3:12 PM
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I love my MIL, but I would have felt like it was stepping on my mom's toes a little to have her there dress shopping and it was more important to me that my mom be there and comfortable. I had my mom, gma (mom's mom) and my sister only.
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Super March 2020
Desiree · on October 22, 2019 at 4:53 PM
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I felt a similar type of way with many people involved with my wedding, namely more my friends/siblings. But same idea...
So when I went dress shopping, I invited 3 people, all of which I knew I wanted to be there. (For me, it was my FMIL, Matron of Honor, and my MoH's mother) and I left everyone else out. But I plan on inviting them once I get the dress in from being made, and inviting them to do veil shopping/shoe shopping and wine/brunch afterwords so they feel equally as involved. You could do something like that for your FMIL
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on October 23, 2019 at 6:33 AM
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It’s true that you don’t have to bring anyone you don’t want to, but it doesn’t sound like you DONT want to bring her. If you’re torn, I would say do it. I would rather regret doing something than regret not doing it at all. I understand it’s your thing, but your mom would also understand that you now have a bigger family and another mother in the relationship to consider. I am my mom’s only daughter, and she had no issues with FaceTiming my FMIL (she lives in Atlanta and we live in Chicago) to include her. She understands that Kevin’s mom is just as important in our relationship as she is. If it helps, don’t look at it as your last chance to do something with your mom. Look at it as your first chance at celebrating your growing family.
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Can anyone relate? fmil invited to dress shopping?

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