Can't Decide on Bridesmaids!!!

No… no. So you don’t want them to be bridesmaids but basically put them to work with decor and planning? All while they’re not good enough to make the cut as BM? Either make them bridesmaids or nothing.

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I can't have 9 bridesmaids. That is why I'm struggling. My fiancee doesn't even like me having six. I feel like my sisters are too young to plan the bachelorette and bridal showers but I can't not have my own sisters in my bridal party so I don't know what to do.

His sister lives 2 hours away so I feel like it will be hard for her to help much but he is really set on having her in it.

Is there a reason you're having your sister-in-law as well as two junior bridesmaids before having your best friends?

*and your fiance's sister before your own friends

Relying on friends and family to help you plan your wedding is really not a good idea. The only people responsible for planning your wedding is you and your FH. If people volunteer to help you, that's great, but don't go in with the expectations that you can put people to work, bridesmaid or not.

What this sounds like is you “honoring” them by having them work for free. That’s not an honorary role. That’s free labor.


Look, you do not have to have a title for every person close to you. They can still be every much a part of the process. Should they volunteer to help plan and decorate, that’s awesome. But once you make it a personal attendant a job, you need to compensate them accordingly.
The bridal party members are honors you give your nearest and dearest and recognize them by asking them to stand next to you on your big day. You do not ask them the plan or work your wedding.

View Quoted Comment You sound more worried about getting a well planned bachelorette and bridal shower than actually having them in your wedding. Reevaluate why you actually want each person standing by you - because that’s their only job - to stand by you on your wedding day.

I struggled with this also and I’m also not having a planner. I’m ending up just having just my sister, as my MOH and it has worked out beautifully so far, that way, nobody is hurt and I don’t have a million girls - we wanted intimacy. My two sister-in-laws are both amazing, and have said if I need help with ANYTHING to let them know. I’m asking my FSIL to collect the cards at the end of the night (as requested by the venue because it’s a valuable gift), and I still have the option of my other SIL if I need her for anything. I’m dropping off decor at the venue two days before the wedding and the workers there are setting up things. Our florist charged a small set-up fee to decorate the centerpieces. There might be ways around, similar to mine, where you do not have to have your friends do work for you, because that’s the last thing I want also is to ask my friends to do things when they should be enjoying themselves!

View Quoted Comment The junior bridesmaids are my fiance's kids. We really want them in our wedding. It means a lot to the both of us. I see both sides. Some people say to have your best friends and others say to only have family because they are permanent. But if I'm closer to friends than certain family members that gets hard.

View Quoted Comment I see, that makes sense for the junior bridesmaids. I've just seen a lot of posts about people feeling obligated to ask various relatives or in-laws to be bridesmaids and then really regretting it later on. Choose the people you feel closest to.

View Quoted Comment Definitely not wanting anyone to plan my wedding for me. I just want the help and support because they've been through a wedding before and I haven't. I literally have no idea what to do or where to start so that is why I wanted help. Not wanting them to plan it for me just want help, ideas, and personal insight. We will have a tight budget and my fiance wants it super simple. He will not agree to a wedding planner and all of the extra paid help. The work is going to be all on me so just wanted help from people that know what they're doing. My sister's are too young to know any of that but I clearly want them standing by my side.

I’d have to agree with what everyone else has already said here. I think one solution to this is to just have your sisters as your bridesmaids and call it a day. Your friends can still go to your bachelorette party etc.

View Quoted Comment Your fiance does not get a say in who and how many people you have in your bridal party. You can have uneven sides, it's actually very common. Second I agree with everyone that yes you may want to honor them and your heart is in the right place, but making them work for you for free is definitely not how you honoring them. I'd be pretty upset as someone's close friend that I wasn't good enough to be a bridesmaid and being used as a free wedding decorator, I definitely wouldn't feel honored. Not every single person needs a title. People will be fine just being a guest. And if you wanted them they could be invited to the Bachelorette party.

I agree with everyone else, personal attendants are a really bad idea. You have a couple options 1) all family in bridal party. Your friends will understand that decision and you can still have them involved in bachelorette, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner if you would like (sometimes this is more fun bc they don’t have to buy an ugly dress but get to help celebrate you at the fun events). 2) Don’t include all sisters/SIL in bridal party and include friends. Have you talked to your younger sisters, do they know what it means to be bridesmaids and do they want that? My good friend had her younger sister spend the day stealing the show and even swapped her bouquet with the brides to get better Instagram pix, so it may be better all around if they are just family. Also consider if you can afford to pay for their dresses/alterations/accessories/hair/makeup bc it could add a lot to your budget if they/parents can’t.

I agree with everyone else who said you should choose who you want IN your own bridal party and that it's not an honor to be asked to provide free labor. This statement tells me that you are thinking of "inviting" these people for ALL of the wrong reasons: "I thought about asking my brother's wife and one of my friends to be personal attendants because I really need help with decorations and planning."

I have been voluntold to work at family weddings and it sucks all the joy out of celebrating. If people want to help, they will volunteer (truly volunteer). Let everyone else be honored guests.

Have you talked to any of these people about possibly helping you with this stuff? If you're asking people to be bridesmaids not everyone assumes they're required to help with everything and honestly they shouldn't be. If your family and friends are interested enough to help and want to then that's awesome for you but it's no one's responsibility to get this stuff done other than you and your FH. You might want to rethink why you want to "honor" these women, because that is the actual point of BMs, not having free help.

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Free help is not the point of this discussion nor what I'm shooting for. I want all 10 people that I've mentioned involved in my wedding but can't have that many bridesmaids so that's why I was struggling and thought it would still be an honor to be called a personal attendant and to be my go-to people's when it comes to advice and decision making on decorations and all of that but clearly from responses I've seen that is not an honor these days. I have a friend that told me you 100% need to have personal attendants to help with things like grabbing the cards at the end of the night and taking care of the guest book and just staying organized in general because as a bride you don't have time to think of all of those little things at the reception when everyone wants your attention nor would a bride want to be stressing about all the little things at her wedding. I personally don't consider that offensive and would do that for one of my friends in a heartbeat at her wedding!

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Your original post said you want to ask them because you need help. We can only respond to the words you type. So, let's say you don't actually plan to ask these attendants to help you with planning and decor and you really do think it would be an honor to be personal attendant. You now have a dozen people responding that this wouldn't be an honor. An invitation to be a guest IS an honor, so that would be the way to go. Bonus for you, I guess, if these extra friends offer to help with stuff. If they offer, it's completely fine to accept their help, of course.