Certified letter

NO.

Don't do it.

This is not the way to deal with someone toxic like that.

Either she'll refuse the letter, or she'll use it against you. She'll parade it around at family events, saying how horrible and ungrateful you are. (No one will be allowed to read it, especially if it disproves her.)

The best way to deal with this is for your DH to handle her. He needs to draw the lines, he needs to *hold* the lines, and if she crosses them, he has to be the one to enact consequences. (Counseling can help a lot with toxic parents like this.)

Part of your problem is that you are fighting a proxy war over your DH, when he needs to stand up and say, "uh, I'm married, back off, unless you don't want to know anything." Every time you push back on her, she interprets that as more reason to fight.

I’m having this same problem with my fiancé’s grandmother. I sent a nice long text and left it at that!

View Quoted Comment ^^ THIS. Spot on.

I agree with Rebecca! I literally posted about the same topic not even three weeks ago! My husbands parents are toxic and refuse to reply to texts when we ask to meet and dont want to participate in our lives. The advice I took from that post was to let it go and let my husband decide what he wants to do since it's his parents. Personally from experience, I'd move on and when shes ready to make amends then approach her or choose not to. Unfortunately, your letter would be used as a weapon.

There is no point in documenting sending a letter unless you need proof for some specific thing. If you jointly owned a house woth parents, and they would not meet to take care of maintenance, so you were getting fines for not upgrading the septic, to prove to a regulating board or court that you were trying, a certified letter would show your willingness to meet. But there is no point in sending one for no specific legal reason. They can tear it up, never read it. So what is the point?

I 2nd the poster of "don't do it". At the end of everyday, she's still his mother. Small story and I will make it as short as possible. It's not exactly the same situation as yours but the context is. My only sister and although we grew up in separate households, we were and are very close. Well due to a 40+ years of anger, my sister wrote a damning letter to mom while very angry. Mom was shocked obviously and still loved despite the letter. We siblings were shocked too. Anyway mom's health starts rapidly declining and she passes about a year later. (Not due to the letter, just her health). The day mom passed, my sister pulled me aside (she's 5 yrs older than me) sobbing saying how bad she felt about writing that awful letter and wished she could apologize to mom. Mom has been gone since 2012 now and my sister spends a lot of time visiting her gravesite apologizing but of course...it's too late. As I said this is different but I want you to take away this. Imagine how your soon to be hubby would feel down the road (heaven bid something happens to her) because no matter how toxic she may be, it's his mom. Let him handle mom. Your letter would surely be a big divide and once sent, it's done...no do over, no apologies. We are a family of 5, 3 boys and us two girls and the boys blame our sister to this day the heartbreak our mom felt with reading that 4 page letter. I unconditionally love my sister but don't be my sister...living with regret. If you got this far reading, thank you. Write the letter instead to get it off your chest, but burn it or shred it afterwards. My sister sure wishes she did.

I wrote a letter to my own mother. I am not inviting her to my wedding and I needed her to know that and why. So I explained in my letter, the most polite way I could, that her actions and behavior I will no longer tolerate and she causes me anxiety etc.. but I was also severing our relationship and contact. I don't know if you and your husband still want to talk to her or be around her. I think the letter is a good idea, just don't write it when she sets you off. You need to take your time with it.

I wouldn't do it. Even if it comes from the purest place in your heart, she will use it against you like Rebecca said. Toxic people won't change because of something you say, they will only get worse. My parents do not and have ever liked my FH even when we were just friends, and even with long conversations, emails, texts and letters, they have decided their stance and nothing I do will change that. i would try to find peace within yourself that you may never have that relationship you want with her because it will just be more painful if you try to create it. Much love,

View Quoted Comment Yeah, this.

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I'm just going to echo this advice.

I don’t really see the point. She either likes you or she doesn’t. And she might get over it in time, but really, why does it matter? It might be hurtful for your husband, but it doesn’t seem like this is a new issue... I’d just accept it and move on.

Well I had not come back here to check and see what yall said... i thought Id bring her some flowers and go talk to her.. since my number is blocked... i just wanted to talk to his mom alone but she got his dad .. i was barely able to say anything. Asked if i was on drugs (from his pot head father) bc I dont know why they have a problem with me. I let them talk ... his mom was mad at me bc my fiancé gave her a Christmas gift and said it was from him- like it was only from him... so she was mad I didnt get her one?? I was like well you have to talk to him if he said it that way.. but... then i was cut off again. I wasnt able to speak... the first time I say anything his dad told me to get the bleep out of his house. I Dont like you!! Bleep u and carl (fh). I said you are only hurting him and he said i dont care who i hurt. Get the bleep out my house, bleep bleep bleep... thankfully I recorded all of it.. sadly Idk what to do.

You need to show this to your FH, and then you need to let your FH handle this.

I know you are hurt, and you think this is a you problem, but it's NOT.

This is a His Family problem, and he needs to handle it. (If he does not... that tells you a whole lot about your potential future.)

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Yeah I am going to show him. He is at work and its 15 mins long and i dont want to send a bunch of clips. I just feel sad for him. His dad said he doesnt care if he is hurting him. Like what?? It’s heartbreaking. So sad

View Quoted Comment Welcome to toxic families.


My mother has spread lies about me for most of my life. She didn't come to our wedding because her name wasn't on the invitations.

This...doesnt seem like it would end well. This is only gonna make her more mad. My MIL is the same, she thinks she has a say in our decisions. I think it’s more common to have one like that than not haha. It’s best to just grin and bear it and ignore her. As long as your FH is not taking her advice on your decisions over yours, she can’t control anything you do.

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I don't have any advice beyond what others said about letting your fiance do all the communication from now on, but I do want to say how unbelievably sorry I am that you are going through something so toxic. You seem to be handling it better than I would (I'm very sensitive) but regardless, it must hurt. I hope your fiance can be a source of comfort and support. I also wonder if other people in the family have experienced their toxicity. Sometimes it's just nice to know others have gone through similar things.

Congratulations on your wedding and I really hope you are able to enjoy the experience!