Cheating!!!

As uncomfortable as it may be, you both know what's going on so now you need to just talk about it. You should be confident enough in your 20 year relationship to voice things/actions to him that are worrying/upsetting you. I agree with PP's that you both need counseling together and separate. I wish you the best of luck.

You messenging her is not a good idea. You are addressing the wrong person. She is not in a relationship with you and owes you nothing. Talk to your husband about it. You need to determine if you can trust him without going through his stuff though.

As previously stated..

Why did you marry someone with whom you have zero trust?! That makes absolutely no sense.

You control him and who he talks to, yet don't want to communicate this with him?

A week in... wow.

And you married a man who cheats/cheated on you because....?

I feel like you are acting like cheating is 100% is fault. You are like oh he's just so friendly he can't help it if girls fall for him. What's a guy to do. No. I guarantee you cheating does not come from just being a "friendly guy". Whatever.

You need to talk to him.

I'm going to try this one more time...

1. Did he tell you or did he get caught when he cheated?

2. How did you work through the situation? Was it swept under the rug? Did he promise you access to his phone/email? Did you go to counseling?

3. Was he remorseful? What did he do to prove to you that he was worth marrying?

4. Why did you marry him if you did not 100% trust him?

5. Does he believe that his transgression is behind him and that you fully trust him (because you married him)?

6. You say he would react negatively to you snooping through his things. Do you snoop often? Does he get upset when you discuss his privacy?

8. Why do you feel it is ok to control who he talks to (single women)? Do you find this behavior controlling and healthy for your relationship? Do you often feel the need to control your relationship? You said you wanted to message the other woman and tell her to stay away. Why do you think she would listen to you? You have no control over her actions and she is aware that he is married. Would you threaten her with violence to stay away from your husband?

So instead of confronting him and admitting that you went through his messages you tried to snoop again? Sorry but there is absolutely no trust by either of you.

I think if your gut made you feel like you had to snoop into his phone, you should probably seek professional help. Whether individual or couples counseling, this is a big problem that has not yet been solved in your relationship. Cheating creates deep wounds that carry on into the future which is difficult to ever shake, but his actions are still clearly not lined up with what you believe is faithful behavior. I would be highly uncomfortable with that as well, mostly because you two had already talked about that and he's still doing it behind your back even after he agreed it was best he stop talking to this girl. You should probably seek BOTH individual and couples counseling to try and work through these issues if you want your marriage to work. My husband and I have free reign to look at each other's phones but we don't feel that we need to check up on each other or do it behind each other's backs. The last time I looked through his texts it was to read the jokes his family was sending him, not to see who he was texting. If you don't feel you can ever get to that point in your relationship (where you feel like you don't have to snoop AND where your man is comfortable having his phone open to you because he's got nothing to hide) then it's a possibility you may never trust each other fully, and that is a big problem. If he is protective over his phone, that's bad. You feel like you have to snoop, which is bad. You don't trust him around other women, which is bad. Get to counseling to sort this out. Approach him in a non-accusatory way. Say, "I don't think I've gotten over my trust issues yet. I found myself going through your phone the other day and I don't want to feel that I have to do that. I don't like that I did that and I'm sorry. We're married now and I want to trust you fully. Would you be open to attending couples counseling with me to work through this together?" If he says no, you might be SOL.

Your whole post is exactly why I'd never be able to stay with someone who cheats. Once the trust is gone it's gone. I wouldn't be able to live my life snooping through so's stuff and wondering if he's really where he says he is or if that friend is really a friend. However, you opted to stay with your so and that means you need to work on rebuilding trust. I agree with the couple's counseling.

Oh, and please don't blame anyone BUT your so for cheating. Nobody tricked him or led him to it. The blame is 100% on him.

Your first mistake... getting married. If he cheated in the past then eventually it's going to happen again and having social media only makes that a lot easier.

I would have never married him if he cheated once, he will again. I don't believe people change. I guess counseling? I've never been but I'm not sure what else you could do beside annulment.

Sorry this is happening to you.

The only counseling I'd get would be with an attorney.

You need to have a talk with him and get some counseling. Otherwise, things will only get worse.

Couples counseling. I HATE the phrase once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not saying it's ok, it's happened to me and FH in the past. But comments like that are not helpful. You shouldn't snoop either. I know it's hard because the trust was damaged but you just broke his trust by spying on him. The best course is to seek counseling and open up with your feelings, and honestly tell him you snooped. You can't ask him to be honest if your not.

Trust issues....Did you and husband go to premarital counseling

Damn Rachel that was good. You need to write for a magazine or something lol

I'd bet you any amount of money that this guy won't go to counseling.

Yay! Another problematic relationship made magically perfect by marriage. Sorry. This is the bed y'all have chosen to make. I honestly hope you didn't come here looking for sympathy. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This being the repercussions of marrying someone who you had a history of the same issues with. It sucks but you're a big girl, you've made these decisions. So either unmake the damn bed or lie in it.

I'm sorry, I don't think counseling is going to salvage this mess. A relationship with no trust is like a car with no gas. You can sit in it all damn day but you're never going anywhere.

Haha! Tripped and fell into someone's vagina! That's amazing!