Cheating!!!

I'm actually really shocked by all the "snooping" comments. I don't see how that's snooping. Why does she not have to right to look through his messages? Ig FH and I are opposite. We look at each other's messages all the time... not because we are looking for something bad but we just do. We have each other's Facebook passwords, he's logged into my pinterest on his phone so he can look at stuff during downtime, and ect. Oh, and he doesn't even have messenger on his phone, I have his messenger on mine and let him know if somebody sends him something. I just don't understand how that's wrong I guess.

I haven't read through all the comments, but I will say that she is not the problem. If he wants to cheat, there are approximately 3.5 billion other women in the world, so getting one to go away won't really help you.

He's cheated in the past. You were concerned enough that he might be cheating now to snoop. If you want this marriage to last, you do one of two things:

1. Decide you can live with the cheating, maybe by opening up the marriage.

2. Get couples counseling, to get to the point that both he and you have changed so that you can feel secure that he's behaving himself and you don't need to snoop.

@Kate: Me too. I wonder what she decided to do.

It's your husband! That's your life! You deserve to know what is going on. Best of luck!!

Yes, counseling. Yes, it may be inappropriate for you to snoop through his phone. However. Since trust has previously been violated from an experience of cheating...though resolved it can affect how you view these situations. So even though it may be nothing with the girl on messenger until you both talk through these issues it will be hard for you to not feel the need to 'patrol' your spouses methods of communication. I hear you. Counseling can help and so can putting your foot down. Just be prepared for any response this will bring.

Sounds like your trust issues never went away. Not to say that him talking to another girl isn't wrong; it is. But for you to go on his account shows you didn't fully trust him to begin with. I suggest counseling separate and together.

After reading the ENTIRE thread I hope the OP will come back and tell us what she has done.

So far I have learned that -

1. there is about -0 trust in yalls relationship

2. you dont trust women because he cheated on you. now you don't like this other girl because she is also talking to him. underlying issue - HIM

3. you are afraid to talk to him cause this will ruin your relationship. you should have talked to him BEFORE yall were married

4. While what he is doing isn't okay cause hes essentially doing things behind your back, I don't think he would have to if there was even an ounce o trust between yall.

5. I really hope you have found peace and learn to trust him again.

You snooped because your gut was telling you something was wrong. Whether the snooping was right or wrong doesn't matter anymore, your gut feeling was correct and if the messages themselves didn't confirm it, him changing the password did. I agree with PP about couples counseling, but also individual counseling for you. You wouldn't put up with this unless your self esteem was in the toilet and you felt you didn't deserve any better. You do deserve better, and you can learn that in counseling.

I agree. If you have to go through his messages--you have trust issues and that is a major problem in marriage. If you've had issues with cheating before, he's obviously given you a reason to not trust him before. I say either talk about it and change, or just end it and don't get married. I'm sorry, and don't message this girl--it makes you seem petty, insecure, and incredibily childish. You're a grown woman who deserves to be with someone who won't cheat on her or think he will. This will not get better, only worse. And you put yourself in this predicament. But I'd end it. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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I see how it's snooping. He didn't give her permission to look at something. She shouldn't feel the need to be in the messages. It's none of her business. You just do ( I used to do this, and my husband told me--I don't like it when you do that, because it feels like you don't trust me.) I trust him and I don't need to make sure he's "keeping clean." He's a grown adult and so am I, and I don't need to be insecure about it.

I learn so much on here.

She messaged him, did he respond? What was her message about, it really seems like it could be a simple congrats on getting married kind of thing. If there was a full blow convo I would be pissed, But a simple exchange of congratulations and a cursory thanks reply is ok. People should be happy for you guys, you just got MARRIED! I say if you really are uncomfortable talk with him about it and remind him that this person is a deal breaker for you, and that he needs to remind her that they stopped talking for a reason.

Since this thread is from last year I hope you get to see a counselor; when cheating happens is not to blame the person that your spouse/boyfriend cheats with .. it’s yours partner’s not being able to respect you enough to honor his/her commitment. I am a person that believes when cheating happens trust is broken and nothing can fix the damage done, there’s always underlying issues of trust, that’s the reason you were snooping... it’s to better walk away. Love yourself.
Good luck.

Rather than snooping have an open discussion regarding your gut giving you a feeling that you don’t like. If he isn’t guilty of anything nor does he have anything to hide.... he should be willing to give you his phone and log into his messenger. From that point you need to express your concern regarding this girl and why.

View Quoted Comment No it’s not if you have a feeling you are his wife and there should be no secrets and you have a right to know.

I also suggest couples counseling and I think that you should be honest with him and tell him you were snooping and know what he’s up to. Tell him how hurt it makes you feel.

My ex was the same way .. charmer. . A cheating charming asshat . My theory if you have to snoop something is wrong . . You did it for a reason . Counseling for sure .. inalso dint like that he would say your looking for something to end us .. like he knows he's wrong and deflecting to make you feel crazy, wrong ext . .

Any guy who tries to deflect the situation from being caught to you being the crazy one because you’re “looking for ways to sabotage your relationship” is a loser. Also, you knew to snoop. Yes, it’s wrong... but intuition never is. Leave him.

Not trying to be too blunt but once a cheater always a cheater you should have never married him

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AGREEEDD just speaking to another girl is not cheating in my opinion, I think you need to look at yourself and the trust issues. If you want to save your relationship you should look into some counseling for sure!