Church ceremony to appease in laws

This is your wedding, not your inlaws wedding. You and your fiancee need to be happy with the arrangement. If they put money in, then they get some say, but *that* is a big one - and if you aren't comfortable with it, then that's the end.

I would be very upfront now especially as you are in the early stages of planning! good luck ♥️

Talk to your fiancée and make sure you’re on the same page. As long as she’s ok with not getting married in a church and she’s fine with standing up to her parents, then you do you.
It’s also hard to get married in a Catholic Church if you’re not part of that religion, and I’m with you on not wanting to lie.
Her parents might get annoyed/mad but as long as you both don’t want to get married in a church you should stand your ground. This is your life.

Have the wedding you and fiance want. Parents don't have to agree with your choices but they need to respect them. Do not cave for anyone. Set your boundaries now and maintain them as a team. This will get practice in for later when they tell you where to live, where to work, how to raise kids, where to spend holidays, etc.

Go ahead and talk to everyone! Better to level expectations now that a church wedding is off the table.

Please please please do not get married in the Church if you don't want to. If you don't believe what the Catholic Church believes about marriage, choosing to get married there puts the priest in a tough spot (he may even decline to marry you) and disrespects the members of the church.


Your FPIL are going to have to accept that you and your fiance are not, and do not plan to be, practicing Catholics. You can tell them that if you do choose to be later, you have the option to bring your marrigae into the Church through an official ceremony (convalidation). But I truly can't stand when people get married in a church they don't agree with to "respect their parents" and have to lie to or mislead the pastor/priest/rabbi to do so.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you not allowed to get married in a Catholic church if you're not Catholic anyway? Set some boundaries and stand your ground, and come up with a plan with your FH as a team to tell them that a church wedding is not happening

Don't do it, stand by what you and your fiance want. It's your guys wedding not theirs they don't get a say.


I was raised in a catholic household but once I became old enough and understood more I completely pulled away from the religion and churches all together. I won't go into detail about what I think cause I don't want to offend anyone, but what I will say is I just didn't like or approved of what I saw and didn't want to subject myself to that kind of life. So of course I was totally against a religious wedding, my mom however really wanted me to get married in a church by a priest. I asked my fiance first before shutting her down only because I wanted to make sure it wasn't something he wanted to do. Once my fiance said no to the church wedding I told my mom absolutely not and I stood my ground with her and didn't back down. She leaves me alone now about it, but every now and then she will bring up how she would like at least one of her kids to get married in a church and I always come back with well maybe you'll have better luck brainwashing one of the boys into doing it and she normally shuts right up.

View Quoted Comment I was raised catholic but I'm not anymore so I could be wrong but I think they still can as long as one of them are from the church and I believe they would have to attend church or at least hand in envelopes with money every week for about a year for them to be able to get married there. But like I said I distanced myself from the religion so i don't remember all the details.

This is your wedding, not your in laws. What do you 2 want?

The best person to explain to Hubby's parents that it was not that we were not choosing a church wedding ( changeable ) but that in fact we could not / would not be allowed to marry in the church, was their priest. Though the RCC will mary non- Catholics to Catholics, those people must be Christian. If you clearly state to their priest that you do not believe in the Divinity of Christ, and do not believe that the RCC in any way represents God's teachings, and ask him to explain to the parents that you cannot stand there and lie and promise you do believe, he will explain to them that you must be civilly married elsewhere. Many priests once accepted it if you had a baptismal certificate, and promoted converting. But they no longer do. Once their own priest tells tem you can have a legally valid marriage, married in the eyes of the church and your children legitimate , but never a sacramental marriage, they must give up trying to convince you.

So.

My ILs and DH are Catholic. DH wanted a Catholic wedding.

This meant we had to do precana. Which is a REALLY big deal, you cannot get married in the Catholic Church without it, and you still have to get permission from the priest.

It's also pricey, very religious, and generally not geared for mixed marriages (our precana had at least one other couple who had one half who wasn't Catholic, the leaders knew this, and at no point did they offer us ANY support, in ANY way).

In the end, not only was I personally traumatized by precana (I had a severely negative experience, and, 2 years later, still haven't found anything worth while from my entire weekend), the priest then declined to marry us in the church.

We had a civil ceremony, which I had wanted, and to which my ILs had *zero* issue with, thank goodness.

If you are not interested in a religious ceremony, trying to have one in the Catholic Church, of all places, will be a unique form of torture for you.

Don't do it.

Your wedding, your rules.

You need to do a few things if you don’t convert - the big one is promise to raise any children catholic. Plus the Catholic premarital counseling. It will be hard to pull off if you are just going along to get along. The priest will know, they aren’t dumb.

Do what is best for the two of you. My in-laws were dead-set on us getting married by a priest but that wasn’t something me or FH wanted. We pretty much avoided talking about it at all, just kept telling them we’re figuring it out and when the day came and it was not a priest, not a word was said. I’m sure they weren’t happy about it but overall they were thrilled to see us getting married and the importance to them dissipated at that point.

Definitely don't get married in a Catholic church/ceremony if you aren't now and don't ever plan to be Catholic and raise your children that way. Since it's her family, though, your FW really needs to be the one having that conversation with her parents. Most Catholic priests won't even consider marrying a couple in a Catholic ceremony that isn't Catholic or planning to be. If it's easier, you can ask a priest (being completely upfront about your intentions) and if/when they decline use that as the reason that you don't plan to have a Catholic church wedding. I think Amanda gave some good advice about not discussing the ceremony with them and I'll echo Michelle - It's your wedding, not theirs. What they want doesn't matter.

Have your wedding where you want! We are the finish line of our wedding planning and I’ve been through the whole “pleasing family” thing through every phase, from the date, venue, colors, guests, etc. It’s exhausting and sucks the enjoyment out of planning. So I recommend that you establish that this is your wedding and you will plan it as so. I’m not trying to sound harsh, but trying to please everyone makes it so much more stressful and I wish that I made it clear from the beginning.

View Quoted Comment Oh I made it clear that my only request was to keep religion out of it....

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So far I would say the situation is not improving. Prior to proposal, I told the FW that all I wanted were two things. Unity and keeping religion out of the relationship.

Fast forward to today:

We are scheduled to talk to the priest Next Saturday March 13th, 2021. She took it upon herself to do this and never asked me if I was ok with it. Her father called me last night to listen to my objections but told me to buck up and do what I can to compromise my beliefs for her wedding. It would break her mothers heart if she wasn't married in the catholic church.

This morning, I broke down about unity and questioning the relationship. I had a rough experience growing up as a child. My parents were never supportive or helpful to me but forced me to go to church. Lets just say the experience with that church did not end up positive. I changed as a person but I still received the same treatment from my parents. Now they are insisting that we have a church ceremony, that I talk to the priest, do the pre-cana, and suffer through the 1 hour ceremony.

I love this woman with all my heart but there are some things that I just cannot deal with. My main issue is that the future in-laws are dictating the start of our marriage, what else will they start dictating?

Am I wrong for having second thoughts on this relationship because of her family?

View Quoted Comment I don’t think you are wrong. Catholics are big on children too and raising children in a faith you don’t believe in can cause major problems down the road. No one is going to burst into flames by not marrying in a church. Have you all tried counseling? Not by a priest but a therapist? Honestly, it sounds like a major issue that needs to be dealt with ASAP so both sides are happy. Religion is a deal breaker in many relationships.

You’re not wrong. She’s totally disregarding your main and, pretty serious request. Does she go to church? Have you discussed how you’d raise children? It may be time for counseling to discuss religious expectations and find out if you’re on the same page.