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Just Said Yes June 2018

Cold Feet or Real?

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Throw , on May 25, 2018 at 11:27 AM

Disclaimer: this is absolutely crazy, and I'm fully prepared for the heat about to come my way. I'll bare that if it means actually getting some compassionate advice. Also, it's a long story. Question first: Did you ever feel like "the one" was someone else, and still marry your husband/wife? Or did you call off a wedding because you realized this?
My situation:
I've worked in my company for almost 6 years. When I first started, I met a man (let's call him Matt). He'd been there a couple of years, and worked in the same area but not directly with me. We clicked instantly. I didn't want to date anyone, but couldn't stop myself from realizing how perfect for each other we seemed. We got along great, and I always had a better day when I got to interact with him. Awhile later I found out he was married, and I was so disappointed. He didn't wear his ring (his job was manual, so no jewelry allowed) and never brought it up, which was strange. I found out from others that it was mostly a marriage of convenience. She was a single mom, they dated for years with him treating her kids like his own, never had any together, and then had somewhat recently gotten married (she proposed). I eased off flirting, but we still became really good friends and talked every chance we got about everything under the sun. I ended up meeting my fiance a couple of years later and had a wonderful relationship from the start. Best friends, lots in common, no red flags, loved each other's families, almost the whole package. I always had a little tickle in the back of my brain about the things we didn't click on (I love the beach, he hates it. I love working outside, he can't use a hammer. I like adventure, he wants to stay home), but I felt like everything that truly mattered was perfect, and I wanted to be with him forever. I pushed Matt ever being more than a friend to the back of my mind and had a great 3 year relationship. We got engaged & are almost finished planning our wedding that's in a few weeks.

A few weeks ago, Matt changed branches. I was devastated. I'm still devastated. I realized that we were way closer than I was letting myself see, and so did he. We started talking via text, and it became nearly constant. The flirting intensified, and we eventually confessed that we'd always wanted each other. I was a wreck, and so was he. I felt terrible, and simultaneously like a huge weight had been lifted. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like he's the WHOLE package. Everything that the core of me wants, he's it. All the "important stuff" but also the fun stuff. The things I love that make me feel alive, he loves them too. So now the dam has broken. Everything we've kept bottled up for nearly 6 is boiling over and I have no idea what to do. I never want to hurt my fiance, and yet here I am having an emotional affair weeks before our wedding. I'm everything I said I'd never be.

I'm filled with doubt. How was I so sure 2 months ago, and now I feel like I'm making a huge mistake. I can't call this wedding off. For one, it's all already planned and paid for. It's a pretty big event for people like us (a $10k + wedding is way bigger than we planned, but here we). Second, what if I'm wrong? Maybe this is fleeting and it will go away. Maybe I'll forget about Matt. He's still married, so it's not like he can just walk away. But about me, if I'm having these doubts then I can't be a good wife. He deserves better than what I'm giving him. He wants monogamy, and I'm afraid now that I'm just not that person. Maybe I'm just not a forever person, which I've always thought anyway.

Maybe I just needed to get it out there since I can't talk to anyway else, but if you made it this far... What in the actual F#@K is happening? Hit me with your real thoughts. It can't get much worse on my end.

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46 Comments

Super September 2018
M&M Bride · on May 25, 2018 at 12:43 PM
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As many PP have already mentioned, I think Matt is your fear of missing out. You don't know him romantically, so it is unfair to say that he is the whole package. He might be the whole package, but you wouldn't be able to know that at this point.
The cost of a wedding shouldn't be the deciding factor on if you should get married or not. Can you imagine a life without your FH? If you can then it is time to call the wedding off. It isn't fair for either of you to continue if you aren't all in. If you can't imagine life without him then it's time to cut all contact with Matt and don't look back.
I would definitely advise you to speak with a therapist. Best of luck!
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Expert February 2018
Kiersten · on May 25, 2018 at 12:53 PM
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Sounds like you have a bad case of the the grass (might) be greener on the other side.

Just because you and Matt click at work doesn't mean you'd be perfect in a full time relationship. You have no idea how he is an actual BF/S.O. Except for the fact that he has no respect for his current marriage and wife, which is almost certainly a glimpse into any future with him.

It's unfair to your FH that you've been having an emotional affair in the midst of what seems to be a perfectly good relationship, simply because you don't agree ****% on everything. He doesn't like the beach? So what. If you want to be with someone who is 100% like you, then don't date anyone and just be with yourself.

It's cheaper (and more humane) to call off the wedding now. Don't drag this out until it ends in a divorce. Your current fiance deserves to be with someone who is going to be committed to him.
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Savvy September 2018
FutureMrsB · on May 25, 2018 at 12:57 PM
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If you are not going to cancel/postpone your wedding you need to cut off all communication with Matt ASAP. Commit yourself to your FH 100% and block Matts number. If you cant do that, you need to postpone or cancel
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Master March 2018
Orchids · on May 25, 2018 at 1:04 PM
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I had a similar situation once, and the advice I got that really cleared my head was this:

Don't try to picture what your life would be like with "newguy", as that isn't a guarantee and there's no way to predict what will happen. Picture your life without "currentguy". Does that picture elicit relief, loneliness, panic, sadness?

In my case, picturing my life without the man I was dating at the time made me feel relief, and I realized that it wasn't so much that I wanted "newguy" as it was that I wanted out of my current relationship....even though nothing was "wrong" per se, I wasn't happy anymore.
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VIP June 2018
AD2AP · on May 25, 2018 at 1:11 PM
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Wow, this is tough.

PP have given you wonderful advice.
I just wanted to mention that I wish you the absolute best with whatever you choose to do. But I think you need to cut off ties with "Matt" either way.
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Devoted October 2018
Raquel · on May 25, 2018 at 1:38 PM
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This is great advice! I have nothing more to add, but I wish you luck and happiness.
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Super June 2019
Stephanie · on May 25, 2018 at 2:04 PM
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Wow this is difficult!! I’m a first time bride and can’t speak on precise advice about how this can play out but from my POV:
1. Speak to a non family member or friend, avoid conflict of interest with these type of relationships, consider a therapist for a neutral standpoint.
2. Speak to your fiancé, be as open and honest although it may damper your relationship if he’s a no second change type of person or he may understand, you won’t know until you do this. Maybe he’ll be willing to go to couples therapy before and/or after the wedding?
3. Push back the wedding/cancel for now. 10K can possibly be replaced over the years, a divorce is ugly and expensive, my parents got divorced. Talk to the venue about an emergency that cannot be overlooked, you don’t have to give details. Did you purchase insurance?
4. CUT ALL CONTACT with Matt. This seems toxic and I agreed with other comments about his current situation. At the end, the children suffer most and you honestly don’t know what he’s all about behind closed doors. If he’s doing this to his wife, it can happen to you through him too. Because of him and both decisions to flirt, etc. it can cost you a happy marriage and life.
5. Give yourself space and time, breath, but address it. Maybe it’s a good thing Matt was transferred. Think of it as a sign maybe?

I wish you the best and hopefully you find direction in all of this. You are not a horrible person and it can happen to anyone. No one is perfect but we can try to be the best while continuing to grow and learn as a person. Just try to put yourself in your fiancés shoes, how would you feel/react if it was him in your position and came clean? Try to understand him in this process. And maybe make a list of all the reasons why you fell in love with him and show it to him. Keep in mind we are all different and it’s ok to not like the same things. I like the beach my fiance hates it lol my fiance isn’t a people person and I can tolerate people more than he can, I like chick flicks he prefers sci-fi and I hate it, etc. opposites tend to attract 🙃
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Super April 2024
Carol · on May 25, 2018 at 2:12 PM
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All.of.this.

The biggest advice I’ve ever been given is follow what you KNOW and not what you feel- and when I say this I do not mean go to matt. I’ll get to that in a second. I mean you love your fiancé I am sure, but you know you’re having doubts and an emotional affair, which to me is just as bad, if not worse. This is not the right time to step into a marriage knowing these things.

Youu dont know matt well enough outside of work to know his true character as Going to the Chapel stated. All things look wonderful but if he’s willing to disregard his marriage for you, don’t think for a second it couldn’t happen again if you two were together.

Sometimes doubts can happen, that’s life, I’ve doubted before (although it had to do with our career paths) and straight up told my fiancé. It was only a day but the love and support he showed me just confirmed to me that he’s my future husband. Your fiancé deserves the truth, and as hard and as humbling as that may be, I think after three years committing to you, getting down on one knee, and promising you forever, he deserves the respect and time and honesty from you.
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VIP May 2016
Mandi · on May 25, 2018 at 2:17 PM
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This is tough and I feel for you as I walked away from a relationship before and cancelled a wedding. I was petrified at the time, but looking back it was the best decision I ever made. Things will change if you and your FH marry, now you could pack up your things and completely separate your life from him. If you get married, its not that simple. And trust me it will cost more than the $10K wedding you have planned! What made me decide to cancel the wedding with my ex was knowing in my heart there would be a point where I wanted out of that marriage. And as a child of divorce myself, I was not willing to put myself and any children that came along through that. I agree with others that you need to completely cut ties from "Matt." You need to sit down with your FH and discuss your feelings and then you ultimately need to decide what you want for your life. I beg you to do this now before the wedding. And while it can seem humiliating to cancel a wedding, people will understand and respect you for doing so. Good luck to you!
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Devoted April 2018
Sarah · on May 25, 2018 at 2:28 PM
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This is truly the BEST advice. You need to evaluate your relationship on its own. Do you want to be with your FH? Does he make you happy? It may feel good to get attention from Matt, but like PP have said, Matt is most likely a fling. He is a symptom of the problem. The real issue is that you are not IN love with your FH. I believe that you care about him and even probably love him, but being IN love is different. When I think of my hubby I can't imagine life without him by my side. We fight and argue and sometimes he is a giant pain in my a$$, but I am head over heals in love with the man. He is my everything and I never want to be without him. It sounds like you need to call the wedding off and figure out what you want in life. Just like you, Matt is clearly missing something in his marriage and is getting it from you. I am certainly not justifying his emotional cheating or your own or blaming your FH and/or his wife. The fact of the matter is that those who stray outside of their relationships whether emotionally or physically are missing something. That is usually (not always) a result of them not being honest with their SO about what they need in the relationship. Matt is missing something in his marriage and instead of being an adult and talking to his wife about it he has found it with you. I would bet money that he won't be leaving her for you and if he does then down the line he will leave you for someone else. If he can't be honest with his wife about what he needs from their marriage what makes you think he can/will be honest with you in yours? You both need to be adults and talk with your SOs about what it is that you want. You need to cut Matt out of the equation and your life.
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Devoted April 2019
Cheyenne · on May 25, 2018 at 3:04 PM
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Yes to this! You'll come across many of people in life who you connect with. It's about truly wanting to be committed.
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Super March 2018
Deirdre · on May 25, 2018 at 3:46 PM
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I would just ask did "sane you" really think it was a good decision, or was "sane you" the one doing what you thought you should vs. what you want and now you realize there is no going back and it's making you a little crazy. I understand not wanting to make any life altering decisions, but getting married is a life altering decision. Even if you aren't combining bank accounts or changing your name, there would still be a legal process you would need to follow to get divorced. You won't legally be able to walk away and you would be considered married until you got divorce. Even though you aren't combining bank accounts, are you sharing a home? Is it under your name or both? If it's not under your name alone, it's something you could lose in a divorce. I personally would cancel the wedding or at least postpone it. I was engaged prior to meeting my now H and getting married. I wasn't as far along in the planning and the break up was for different reasons, but I'm so happy it worked out that way. It allowed me to be free, discover myself, and fall in love with the guy who is right for me and makes me happier than I've ever been. I think both you and your FH deserve that and getting married now, might not allow either of you to do that. I personally would rather be single than be in a relationship that I don't feel 100% confident in. There are consequences to a divorce vs. break up. Right now, you can walk away. You'll lose the money for the wedding, but you'll be able to make that money again, you won't be in a marriage you feel uncertain about, and you'll have the opportunity to find someone who you connect with better. Just because your accounts aren't connected, doesn't mean you won't lose in a divorce. If you were to cheat on your husband because forever isn't for you, he could probably claim alimony or portions of your property in the settlement to compensate for any emotional damages he'd like to claim. If he has a good lawyer and he's hurt badly enough, he could definitely make your life difficult. He could refuse to sign divorce papers, so if you do want to move on in the future you wouldn't be able to ever get remarried and he would have claim to everything when you die, because he would be your husband on paper. I'd just caution you against the idea that nothing will change after the wedding. Sure the relationship will probably be similar, but now you will have legal ties to each other. Best of luck. I hope whatever decision you make works out for you.
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Super April 2018
emcknight1517 · on May 25, 2018 at 4:49 PM
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You need to cut ties with Matt and have a heart to heart with your fiance ASAP. Similar to a PP, I also had doubts with my now husband. I was treating him poorly and he finally convinced me to sit down and talk. He assured me that what was bothering me was unfounded and he was absolutely correct. I was stuck in my own head and needed to get turned around. The thing was that I wanted to get turned around. It doesn't seem like you necessarily do. This is really only something you can figure out yourself: do you see yourself being happily married to your fiance the rest of your life? If not, you need to take a step back and reevaluate.

You've been given a lot of really good advice from PP's. I really hope everything works out for you and your fiance.
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Master September 2018
Tara · on May 25, 2018 at 5:30 PM
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When you only see someone at work its easy to fantasize a relationship. Most affairs are work related and they usually end or are on going and lead to no where when the people realize its all a fanatasy. Also if he would never mention his wife like you mentioned and thought to be weird its cause it is. He had no respect for his wife, obviously by talking to you, as you do not for your FH, so what makes you think he would treat you any differently. You've already began emotionally cheating on your FH so yes i would break it of. He deserves better.
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Dedicated May 2022
Stephanie · on May 25, 2018 at 5:44 PM
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Look, i know youve got alot of money invested in this wedding, but walking down the isle while your less than 100% sure thisbis what you want is a HUGE mistake.
Youve said it yourself, you can not be a good/faithful wife while having all this doubt.

What you need to do is sit down, talk with your fianceé and tell him the truth, 100%.
Maybe talking to him will help you to out things in to perspective. At the very least be honest about telling him you have doubts, that you think your feelings for someone else are even stronger, that you need to pull back and have some time to figure out what it is that you really truely want, and that its not at all far to him, or you, to get married when you dont even know of you really love him.
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Dedicated October 2018
FutureMrsCha · on May 25, 2018 at 7:51 PM
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I have been in a similar situation before. I was previously engaged to a really nice guy. We were friends and I loved him but something always felt like it was missing. 6 months before I was to marry this other guy I met someone else at work. Nothing ever happened I just couldn't shake this feeling I was supposed to be with this guy. 3 months before the wedding...everything planned and paid for I called it off. I was so scared but as soon as I told him of my doubts ...he agreed. We ended things mutually. Now I'm about to marry my perfect match. I cant tell you what to do but always follow your gut. You deserve to be happy..and so does the man you are currently with.
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Dedicated September 2019
Cassandra · on May 25, 2018 at 8:44 PM
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I agree! My fiance and I have actually had that discussion a handful of times.
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Dedicated August 2018
Jaimee · on May 25, 2018 at 10:01 PM
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You need to cancel the wedding and cut off all contact with Matt.
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VIP November 2018
ISaidHallYes · on May 25, 2018 at 11:21 PM
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I think this was perfectly put and everything I was thinking while reading. Op I feel terrible for you as I am sure you are going through a million emotions. Take a step back and think through everything. Confide in some real life friends that know you. Honestly it seems as if you aren’t fully ready for this with your FH since you have this feeling in the back of your head about another guy. That’s a lot to unpack. I wish I had the answers for you. It would be hard to call it off but in the end it may be worth the heartache that seems like may be in the future. Whether that is falling for Matt or another guy since you don’t seem 100 percent sure. I’d say it’s a bit more than cold feet. I truly urge you to seek some support from those closest to you.
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Dedicated September 2018
Turnicia · on May 26, 2018 at 12:44 AM
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Considering all of the advice given here, my only 2 cents is a piece of advice that I was given a long time ago about a "married" (he was legally separated) man. You lose em the way you get em. Sure enough he divorced his wife while we were together but he also married someone else while we were together. Don't play the fool to these married men hun. Take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate and most definitely CUT MATT OFF! Good luck!
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