Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Lisa
Super October 2021

Comments About Not Being Married

Lisa, on September 30, 2020 at 1:10 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24
Saved
Reply
I’m a vary private person and don’t have many friends, so I’m hoping to get advise or thoughts on some comments my fiancé and I have been hearing lately.



A little back story about us. We met in early 2011 and moved in together by the end of the year. We were both 21, not the best paying jobs so we lived with his parents until we could get on our feet and then stayed a little longer to help them out financially. My fiancé proposed to me in 2017, we were all scheduled to get married next Saturday but postponed to October 2021. While our timeline is longer than most, it has worked for us and I know that’s what matters.

So recently some of my fiancé’s friends, who I’ve known for many years, have been making comments to him about how unhappy they are in their marriages or what issues they are having with their wife, etc. When my fiancé shares his griefs with them (mind you his griefs are nothing overly serious, but no relationship is perfect, right!) they say things like “Oh it gets worse” or “You’ll see someday” implying that their issues are so much worse because they are married or something.

It’s been making me feel like people don’t see our relationship as a serious or committed one because we haven’t gotten married yet. We have joint bills, we talk about money & our future, we have a dog together, an apartment, etc. We’ve never broken up and gotten back together. We’ve stuck with each other all these years. Longer than just about all the other couples we know. Just because we haven’t gotten married yet or don’t have kids doesn’t mean it’s not real or we have our own problems.

Does anyone else get theses types of comments? How does it make you feel? If you did get these comments, how would you feel?

Just trying to understand it.

24 Comments

Latest activity by Ali, on September 30, 2020 at 2:36 PM
  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I don't necessarily think the comments are of the kind to imply that your relationship is not as serious or committed as theirs, rather it seems to me like they're implying to your partner that once married things will be different.

    Every relationship is different so no two can be compared. Not that the comments are necessarily want to hear, I wouldn't dwell on them too much since they seem to be throwaway comments in conversation.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Honestly if you’ve lived with your FH before getting married, nothing really changes. I lived with my husband for 6 years before we married, and the only difference is I can now call him my husband and the paper to prove it. So, don’t worry what other people say because they’re just projecting their own issues.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Marriage is different than co-habitating because with marriage it's a LEGALLY BINDING contract. What your partner does can have greater impacts with marriahe versus being in a relationship. No, I've never received such comments that you have received. And no, your love is no less; but keep in mind marriage does make a legal difference.
    My mom receives HALF of my dad's retirement after tgey divorced. That wouldn't have happened if they just remaind in a relationship co-habitating.
    If one of you were to pass away today (God forbid), the other one wouldn't have rights and you would not be entitled to each other's social security check. Again, marriage changes everything legally.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I think those comments are rude and indicative of relationships that need help.

    I'd be asking them why they weren't in counseling or divorcing.

    DH and I have just spent 6 months of our first married year cooped up in a 500 sq ft apartment and *AM I GLAD* I married him. Oooof, this has been a hard year, and if we can get through this...

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    You take these comments to mean what the others are saying about you and your relationship. But they are projecting, assuming your lives are following the same course theirs did.
    My guess is that they found that FOR THEM, the difference between their relationship while single and when married, was huge. And so they are assuming, you will find it a big change too. I expect they are people who behaved mostly as though single when they were living together, yeah, likely faithful. But still keeping their money separate, settling up when bills arrived, still seeing the home as his things and her things, still having mostly their own individual friends and not mostly couple they see at the same time. And FOR THEM things changed a lot in the first year or two of marriage. So they assume, your experience has been the same . ... And if you need to say something, it need only be, that you two started living like you were completely married years ago. You are just catching up with the paperwork now. There is no need to take these comments as criticism. More that they reflect their own experience, not what yours will be. If they said, " for Cecelia and I, the first year of marriage was full of unexpected challenges and compromises of changing 2 mostly separate lives into one of married people" you would think, probably so. Not that there was anything negative there. Just that the guys were describing their own experience and assuming yours would follow the same course. Don't take an insult where none was intended.
    • Reply
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Its rude that those comments are being made. Personally, I've experienced comments from friends before n I stopped venting to them. I only vent to my husband and I think if you both just vent to each other about your relationship quarrels, it'll be easier
    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    THIS - This is it! Kelli nailed it.

    My friend is gay (nothing wrong with that)... she got married (in part because the law allowed it), But she has several times thought about leaving the marriage because it got "harder" - They lived together prior to, so things didn't change except for the legal binding contract. When she and I had a talk (we do this often), I reminded her that leaving is the easy way out. If you love someone and they love you, arguments are going to happen, it's fighting through it (working through it) that makes the difference. If you enter a marriage with the thoughts, "Oh if I'm / we're unhappy, I can just leave or divorce is a solution" then marriage is definitely not the solution.

    I'm sorry these people are making those comments, but in part it is true, it's harder, it's different than just living together. There is much more at stake.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for your feedback!
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for the feedback and reminder!
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for the feedback. The comments usually come when they are complaining out their relationship and try to compare their problems to ours. And the fact is they seem unhappy and we don’t 🤷🏽‍♀️ It’s sad to see so many unhappy people but that doesn’t mean our relationship will be like theirs.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for the feedback!
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for the feedback.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for the feedback!
    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted October 2021
    Adrienne ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Their comments are rude, no doubt, but I don't think they intend it to mean that your relationship is not *real* or something just because you're not married. I think they're just saying, "oh, just you wait til xxx", people do this often. "Oh, wait until you get married, it gets worse". "Oh, you're still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, wait til you're a few years in". "Oh, wait til you have kids." "Oh, wait til your kids are in their teens". It just never ends, as people progress through their lives, they like to tell others who are not at those points in their lives yet that it only gets harder, which is a pretty negative outlook, but I think that is what is happening here.

    • Reply
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    You're welcome!
    • Reply
  • Madelin
    Devoted November 2020
    Madelin ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I don't exactly get those types of comments, but I see people on social media that have gone through really rough stuff. I talk about it with my fiance, and I'm not gonna lie, it scares me. He has put me at ease with the best advice. That is other people. That is THEIR relationship, not ours. As you said, no relationship is perfect, but you are aware that your problems aren't so serious that it's means to break up. Every relationship goes through seasons and your FH friends are in that. It isn't fair for them to put that on to your relationship.
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I guess I’m not clear how the statements about their marriages and experiences somehow implies that your relationship isn’t serious. It sounds like they’re just expressing the way their marriage was in the beginning versus what it has evolved into. In all honesty, it happens often. Relationships change after marriage... some for the better and others for the worse. His friends seem to be in the latter situation. But they’re right... Dating or being engaged (no matter how long) isn’t the same as being married.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for this! Didn’t think of it this way.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you!
    • Reply
  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Hhh ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes, this!! Across my close friends, couples generally fell into one of these 2 groups, where marriage changed a lot or it changed very little- and it seemed completely dependent on their relationship beforehand. If you already look at everything through the “us” rather than “mine or his” then it quite likely won’t feel much different than your relationship now. Yes it is legally different, but that won’t really impact your day-to-day (except in sad or extenuating circumstances).
    Don’t let their negative comments affect you. They are, at best, just smalltalk because people love to offer unsolicited advice and complain, and, at worst, a reflection on their relationships. Good for you both to do everything on the timeline that works for your relationship 😉 congrats!!
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

29 Christmas Ornaments for Your First Holiday as a Married Couple
Lifestyle 29 Christmas Ornaments for Your First Holiday as a Married... Whether you're shopping for yourself or a special couple, a "just married"...
The Biggest Differences Between Getting Married in Your 20s, 30s, and 40s
Married Life The Biggest Differences Between Getting Married in Your 20s,... Age is nothing but a number—or is it? Here, an expert shares the pros and cons...
How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships
Lifestyle How to Stop Being Insecure in Your Relationships If you're facing relationship insecurities, you're not alone. Here, experts...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics