Commitment ceremony Vs. Legally married!

As someone who can't get legally married in my state, I find this strange. Nothing against you or your relationship. I certainly don't judge.

The rights you are talking about giving to your mother is fine... I just have been fighting for the exact opposite for my husband.

Is this a religious reason that you don't want to get married twice? Or just a personal reason?

If you don't care about the piece of paper, why even have the commitment ceremony? I would save the money and just keep things the way they are if you don't want to get remarried.

Obviously everyone has different opinions have you spoke with FH on what he thinks of the issue??? He might see it differently or the same as you.

Oops double post

I'm sorry, but to me, it's pointless to have a commitment ceremony if you won't do it legally. It just seems to me that you want the benefits of the wedding, but not the benefits of marriage.

I have only done one ceremony like this because one partner's divorce had not come through. We were all absolutely certain that they would get married (which they did). I announced at the beginning of the ceremony that it was NOT a legal marriage; we made that very, very clear. I would never do a wedding-ish ceremony without a license; my reputation and livlihood would be in jeopardy.

Personally, I don't see the point...it's kind of like, "I'm married until I don't feel like it anymore....it sort of predicts the end instead of hoping and working on the future.

It's your decision, but it's your decision with him too. If you go t his route, it will be made very clear that it is not a marriage, and i wonder if your guests will feel the same way that I do?

You say that you've been "living together as husband and wife" (not just living together). Have you been representing yourselves as married? If so, I imagine people would be confused by a commitment ceremony (or real wedding) after 3 years.

Is it that you want the party? If so, just have an anniversary (of when you met/started dating/moved in together) party.

And, if you do get legally married, your husband's opinion would have more weight than a POA given to your mother before you got married.

My mom's mother and step-father were living together as a couple for about 20 years before they got married. This was only about five years ago or so now. They did catch flack in the beginning, but they were both divorced from their previous spouses and did not want to jump into another marriage. As time went on people just saw them as married. They were in a committed relationship and it didn't matter that she didn't take his name or that their taxes didn't say married. The real push that made them have a ceremony was actually that their minister was retiring and he was the one they wanted to do the ceremony. If he hadn't retired they would still just be "living together". Or really married off the books.

I don't think she's saying that she just wants the party. That seems kind of harsh to say, whether it was intended to or not. She has said multiple times that she wants the ceremony, but that she has reservations about a second marriage.

You don't sound like you're ready to be married at all. By thinking of just a commitment ceremony you're saying you're not ready to be married for real. You can legally marry the man you love so why not do it? There are plenty of people who can't marry the man or woman they love and they're forced into commitment ceremonies. If you're already living together and act like you're married, then why bother with either a wedding or commitment ceremony? Why spend money on something when you're living like you're married? Just so you know, even if you go with the commitment ceremony instead of a legal marriage, you're still on your second marriage.

What's so bad about being in a second marriage? Are you afraid people will look down on you because you're in a marriage which isn't your first?

I have married quite a few long-time couples.

Sometimes the push was medical/insurance and sometimes it was having grandchildren (although having children together wasn't enough of a push).

I have re-married couples who had been married to each other, got divorced, and wanted to re-marry the same person (sometimes many years later).

One couple got married, had kids, got divorced, continued to live together while raising the kids, then decided to get married again because he got sick and she had no say at the hospital.

Marlena, it wasn't meant to be harsh. I'm just trying to understand what Jennifer wants and why.

Well first, it sounds like you dont want to be married. Which is fine. I get you had a hard time of the first marriage and you dont want to do it again. But I do not see the point of having a big ceremony which doesnt marry you. I mean when I hear commitment ceremony, I think of same sex couples who are forced to do that rather than marry. If you are already committed to each other, than you don't need a ceremony to reinforce that. If your main goal is to show people you are commited, I dont think that is right to do, and maybe you need some new friends if they are treating you badly because you aren't married. As a couple other brides said, if I recieved an invite to someone who wasn't getting married but going thruogh the pretenses of it, I would probably decline. I mean, I know you are in a relationship, but this isn't really a new step in the relationship. You are telling people, we are continuing as we are, and not planning on taking the next step.

Champagne in a can?!! Hahaha

Have you talked to your "fiance" about this? I'm pretty sure he asked you to marry him, right? He didn't need to ask you to commit to him, he's probably assuming you already are. This is something that you two have to decide.. I personally don't see the point. DH and I got legally married and we had a ceremony later for our friends and family, but we were married.. that was a point.. I wouldn't have had a ceremony if we had no intentions of being married, personally, but like others are saying, it's just that those commitment ceremonies are usually something that would be done by those that CAN'T marry.. but if you think your family and friends and SO will support you by, then I guess go for it.

I think you are cheating yourself out of a good marriage.. you've had the bad one, but if this is the one (and you're sure of it), and he wants to be your loving husband and you want to be there his whole life.. maybe you should talk to a counselor, see if you really are ready

For marriage or not.. or maybe just have a long engagement? but certainly discuss this with your SO..

@Jennifer-No need to apologize, you did nothing wrong. I believe that sometimes what a person perceives a message to be might not always be the intent that is why I try to ask questions for clarification and besides, I'm not easily offended lol

Jennifer, I totally understand where you are coming from and think that it is great you want to do something to celebrate what you already have! I'm so on-board with others doing what they feel is right for themselves (be it a wedding or a commitment ceremony). It's your life, make the best of it going forward and try to forget the negativity from the past.

I hear you on the commitment ceremony, tho. I don't think a piece of paper changes who you are and what your relationship means -again just my opinion. If it was me, I would just keep it small, maybe just the two of you.. or include your parents? Not everyone will agree with your choice so it might be more meaningful, memorable, and easier to keep it small and simple.

Again just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you.

Here's my honest .02, I would get into counseling to explore this sentence and how it's impacting your current relationship, b/c if it wasn't, I don't see why you would have said it in this conversation:

"I think honestly I ma just scared because my first marriage was sooooo bad he was abusive and i stayed miserably for 14 years."

I'm so very truly sorry your first H was abusive, but the marriage license didn't make him that way, and a new marriage license will NOT turn your 2nd H into your 1st. As a survivor of abuse, you deserve the chance to make a fresh start not marred by your abuser's actions.

FTR, heck yes that "piece of paper" changes H and me. It binds us together in a way that's recognized by our church, our family, our friends, our employers, and the government of the society where we live. It turns our felt love into actual safety and protection for us as a family. There are so many benefits to that you can't even imagine. That's a really, really big deal.

And FWIW, I know several people who are in wonderful second marriages. A lot of people make choices when they're younger and sometimes those choices turn out to be good, sometimes they turn out to be bad, and sometimes things or people just change in ways you couldn't have predicted anyway.

I can understand if you feel like it's missing some, IDK, innocence or something it would have if it were your first, but that doesn't make it any less respectable or solemn. Leaving an abusive marriage and then marrying a wonderful man later does not turn you into Elizabeth Taylor. It just means you're not letting your past define you or hold you back. That's a good thing.

I wanted to add in here after seeing so many point of views. I think that in the end you should do whatever you and your FH feel comfortable with. I know with my husband and I, although we had been together for 5 years and lived as if we were husband and wife for 4 it wasn't like being married. Even to friends and family we were just what we were, boyfriend and girlfriend. Although we were in a committed relationship it wasn't recognized as such by anyone else but us. You can't introduce yourself as husband and wife because you aren't, and that made a big choice in that. However this is my only marriage and so I do not have the same experience as you. However, I have seen a successful second marriage.

My mom was marriage to my birth father when she was only 19. She had gotten pregnant and they got married because he "took responsibility". He treated her horribly, belittled her, and was incredibly abusive. Then one day he decided that wasn't good enough for him anymore and (cont.)