Commitment ceremony Vs. Legally married!

(cont.) Kicked her out of the house with only the clothes on her back and took full custody of myself and three of my siblings claiming that he was terrified she could kill us out of desperation. Which was ridiculous. My step-father was penpals with my mom at that time and flew over in his early 20's to help my mom with her divorce. She had no where to go and no one to turn to. They fell in love and were married, and he helped her get us kids back. They have been married for 16 years now and have a wonderful loving relationship. It was hard at first, because she had a lot of recovering to do from my dads abuse, but he helped her through it and she couldn't imagine her life without him.

A second marriage can happen, and can be wonderful, even after a horrible first one. I hope you can figure out what works best for you. Best of luck.

Alec-Congrats btw! Thanks for posting and yes I see the irony here LOL~ No not a religious reason It's just that my mom was married three times and each one ended in disaster and it was just soemthing I always told myself so I guess it feels like I am denying my own moral code if you will. I do have to say that everone that is saying I just want the party is so wrong and that is just hurtful if you don't agree fine but you don't have to be rude! No I don't just want the party as I stated I want the ceremony and for all of our close friends and family to share in this commitment we are making to one another (and I haven't even decided to do this is was more of a what if)...Krisalicious I always love your post you have much insight and that sentence you are referring to doesn't mean I'm not ready to make the commitment because i already have It's just for me to have a "legal ceremony" or a commitment cermony makes no difference so as I said it was more like a hmmm what if.

Cont...actually I am really suprised at the uproar this topic caused. Yes my Fh did ask me to "marry" him and I said "yes" so we are engaged just for the record but when I heard of this it made sense to me in my situation and to how i feel about only ever being married once. That's really the only issue for me all of you who are posting about us needing counseling or not being ready to make the commitment etc etc are just reading things into it that aren't there. I love this man with my whole heart we already refer to eachother as husband and wife but it makes a difference to the people in our everyday lives so that's why we decided to make it "official" so to me a commitment ceremony makes sense.

Either way I plan to be with this man for the rest of my life he has been by my side at my very worst and stayed by me a nursed me back to health when I almost dies two years ago of cirrohisis of the liver (I was a very bad alcoholic for many years) and he has been there to cheer me on in my sobriety and supports and encourages me and I love him very much!

Jennifer - I certainly support your option to have a commitment ceremony for all the reasons you listed. I would just caution those who say it's just a piece of paper. There are a lot of legalities that that piece of paper awards married couples that are not available to those committed but not married folks. (these are the same rights that the gay community continues to work so hard for). My future SIL was in a committed relationship with the person she considered her "husband" for 14 years. He passed and she had no legal rights to anything and his family made sure she got nothing. And courts are reluctant to get involved in property disputes of living together w/o marriage. Not to mention the higher taxes, inheritance benefits and all those other goodies that come without that paper. Not saying don't do it, just saying you both may want to talk with a lawyer about the pros and cons. (It's not very romantic but definitely a practical side to consider when questioning marriage

I have to agree with M.....license or not this would still be your second marriage. Like I said I know some people who did this, but their reasoning made more sense to me than yours. They didn't get legally married, because they don't believe in some of the legal changes a legal marriage would bring about. In your case it's only because you seem to not want to have to say it's your second marriage.....which to me makes no sense if you guys intend to say that you are married and are as husband and wife are to each other, or spiritually married, and present yourselves as married. You still would have been married once before, so you would still be saying this is your second marriage....unless you plan to pretend it's your first, which again would make no sense if you're not doing it legally so that you can say you've only been married once and count your 1st marriage but not this one.

I have a co-worker who's first husband passed away. She was receiving all kinds of pension and benefits through his death. It didn't make sense for her to get remarried legally, so they just did a commitment ceremony. It makes sense in some circumstances. I hope you are getting some counseling or help for your issue though. Best of luck.

I guess I just don't understand... if you're already living as husband and wife, you're already committed to each other. I'm not sure what the point is of having a commitment ceremony - you aren't moving up a step in your relationship, what does the ceremony signify?

@Jennifer congrats on your sobriety! I love to hear "he stuck by me" stories, they make me happy =) Please don't take offense to replies, most are just trying to understand you POV. You need to do what's best for you and feel good about doing so. Everyone has an opinion, we just need to learn to not let other people's opinions offend/upset/hurt us =) I truly believe that most people that post are not trying to be rude, it's just really hard to word things sometimes! (God knows that I sometimes just don't post because I can't word it correctly)

My parents got married when I was like 5 or 6 they already had 3 kids together...they ended up getting married only because my dad had a massive heart attack and was in a coma and the hospital tried to keep info from her because they weren't "legally" married. Otherwise they would probably never had gotten married and still been together in a commited relationship. Hope all goes well no matter which "ceremony" you decide to do =)

Jennifer A, Thanks for the shout out to me. I've actually been following this thread closely. It is an interesting topic.

Not that my opinion matters at all. But, as a gay couple that lives in a state that doesn't allow me to get married... ... my husband and I had many conversations about this. We could't decide if we wanted to have a ceremony in South Carolina where we could invite many people, or in a state where we could get officially married. We decided on the latter. One of the reasons is that we did not want two dates. Did not want one date where we got married... and one when South Carolina allows us to get married. So, we decided to get married in a state that allowed us to get married... and when the courts decide on the issue of gay marriage, that date would transfer from, in our case, New Hampshire to South Carolina.

Anyways, good luck with all this. If it is not an issue with you, then I wouldn't worry about it. Just make sure you talk to your FH about it.

I think those who are making the point about the legalities are giving you good advice. I can remember my ex husband's mother, who hadn't been with her husand for over 20 years, cbut they hadn't divorced, and upon his death began receiving his social security benefits instead of the woman who had lived with him for those 20 years and had nursed him while he was sick. All because she had legal rights and the woman who lived with him had never married him (for obvious reasons but still). The formality may not be needed but if at any point and time either of you want to e able to make a decision about the other or maintain thigns you've guilt together during the relationship, you will need to have the legal right.

I guess I'll chime in here. My fiancé and I have been together 12 years. We live together, own a home together, etc. We've been engaged for quite a long time. No, we never broke up or took breaks. We've been solid. Yes, it's been tough hearing from people "when you getting married?" "what's the difference you already live like husband and wife"..etc etc. But for us we honestly just took our time to enjoy each other and build a life together. I was always one that the piece of paper didn't matter to me. I'm not one for "labels". I never needed the Cinderella wedding or the house with the white picket fence. Now after all these years and owning a home, we've had found that its not easy living this way. I can't call if theres an issue with the mortgage, they won't talk to me. If something happens to him, the hospitals or work won't call me. (cont.)

(cont.) I would be out on my ass since my name isn't on the house. I can't even imagine someone tossing me out of my home if something happened to him. I know we can just put my name on it, or have a will. But just the fact that some stranger can take my life from me, sucks. And god forbid if he was hurt, I couldn't even go in the room. These are the things same sex couples fight for every day. Yet, I have the opportunity to marry and haven't. we are finally planning our wedding and everyone including us is excited. We always had the intention just never got around to it. It's kinda of a running joke among our friends/family.

I say do whatever you feel and don't let others dictate. But at the same time I have never felt the need to have any ceremony to tell others how we feel. This is for us, and others want to join then we are happy..lol

Please don't underestimate the legal benefits of being married-- it's part of why the gay/lesbian community has fought so hard for legal marriage. If you're not married, you can't make medical decisions for him or even get in to see him in the hospital, sometimes. If you're not married, *his* family will make decisions if he is sick, not you. If he dies, they will decide, as his next of kin, what to do with his remains, unless it is very clearly spelled out in his will. Look long and hard at that option before you follow that path, is my advice.

Have you shared these thoughts with your fiance? What does he think about it?

I don't think any of us grew up dreaming about the multiple husbands. So you're not the only one who firmly believes in and desires to have only 1 marriage in their lives. But life doesn't go as planned. And things that don't go as planned shouldn't hold you back from better things in the future.

Maybe because you had a poor first marriage, and your mom had poor marriages, that you could be letting outside influences keep you from a potentially wonderful, second, FINAL marriage. (Your moral desire to only have 1 wedding, and seeing your mom's additional weddings not get better)

But why let a crappy ex-husband be your only actual husband? Why keep a great guy only as a boyfriend/partner and never let him have the chance to be your great husband?

Obviously you and your guy can be together in either situation. But don't let the crappy past hold sway over a better future

Well said Samantha. I also must add to this that should you have children and are not legally married, you must make sure that you establish legal paternity. When my daughter passed away, even though she and her two son's father were not married and he signed the birth certificate, they didn't complete the process of establishing paternity. It became a problem so that when she passed, I, as the maternal grandparent was granted custody and we had to go through a whole rigamero of filings and magistrate visits, plus paying to have paternity established, even though he and I both were in agreement that he should have guardianship. He has always been in their lives and they lived as a family unit.

Thank you for all the great advice some was a little harsh but I know that this is a forum and there are a lot of mixed opnions on the subject. Like I had said before it was just kind of a "what if" when i started this post I had no idea it would get such a response but at any rate we are getting legally married we have decided that's what we want to do but I still feel that a commitment ceremony is a great option for many people and I am glad it's available.I understand what you are saying about the "piece of paper" having so much meaning but it seems odd to me because when i was sick and dying literally in the hospital two years ago the man I was married to then (my 1st husband) I did not want there and they had no problems letting my current Fiance Eric is into visit me and I did sign the power of attorny to my mom because I did NOT want my "husband" at the time to be making any final decisions for me becayse excuse my french but he was an ass. Thank you everyone for your input!

I'm glad you were able to come to a decision that works for both of you, Jennifer. I can't wait to hear more details about what you do as it gets closer!

Thank you Jessica and well put I totally agree with you in the fact that why let him ruin my chances for a happy and healthy "marriage" to a wonderful man.

Marriage does feel and seem to be "safe" for so many people because that is mostly what we are raised to believe not only by church and family, but by corporations and media as well. I bought into this belief most of my life. As I have gotten older and wiser, I have reflected on this more and began to read more about the origins of marriage and how it negatively impacts people. Personally, I am a connector and have been in many social circles abd have seen marriage over the years ruin people's lives or had a severe and devastating negative impact. It is so easy to fall in love and get married and can be so difficult to be married and stay married and even more difficult to have children, and stay married and then have children and get divorced. Mostly I have just seen how many people are happy in the beginning and/or for many years and then not blossom or live as they would if they were free and not legally bound to someone. Namely, many women who become financially dependent on their spouse for a length of time or indefinitely, esp. for child rearing, and not realize what a devastating eventual financial disaster it becomes in the future after they committed career suicide and have been out of the workforce for so long only to be left by their husband with nothing but debt and no income or career track record. After being assured by their husband for years or decades that they will be "taken care of". I have witnessed so many friends and colleagues who are very intelligent women who, in the beginning, have said "I would never let that happen", etc. only to actually fall into this trap. I know of this happening to men as well but mostly women. I have also seen how many spouses are completely financially irresponsible and rack up a lifetime of debt that can never be surmounted and their spouse who is not on board but is definitely as financially on the hook as the spouse responsible. Sorry about the run on sentences. I have seen too many parents also who completely change after having children and are not at all a desirable husband/wife after having children. Then they get a very ugly expensive divorce and it is hell having custody battle with your ex spouse for the rest of your life. Marriage has it's roots in slavery when a woman was basically sold to a man as a wife and became his property. It was also a way to a way for the Church to control people and repress our freedom and sexuality. Consider that in the bible, when god decides to create a woman, he does so to create a “helper” for the man, later adding that “man shall rule over woman.” In the ten commandments, a wife is also listed among the properties of a man (a woman was considered first to be the property of her father, and after marriage her husband). In some verses in the bible the Hebrew words that describe a married woman, or a wife, literally mean “woman with a master.” This is a pretty good blog if you want to read more about this: http://blog.kareldonk.com/why-getting-married-is-a-very-bad-idea/