Commitment Ceremony vs Legally Married!

Ohhhhhh, we've had this conversation before, and it did not end well if memory serves correct...

I don't get as heated about this topic as a lot of people do, but I still feel that a commitment ceremony is kind of silly. Wouldn't you feel a little foolish having a pretend wedding ceremony? Even vow renewals are kind of dumb to me, but I'm sure that's a wildly unpopular opinion.

So I would suggest waiting until you are ready to actually be married to have any kind of a ceremony.

My friend was in the same boat - being married would have financial implications (her income would also be counted to go toward his child support). They were a couple for 15 years and married after his youngest turned 18. It's totally worth the wait to do it right. Best of luck!

Your families' opinions should have no bearing in your decision to have children. You're 30.

Have your kids and wait to get married. Shit...exchange vows by yourselves in your living room and wear wedding rings if you want to.

Don't put your life on hold because grandma might turn her nose up.

But...you still won't be married after a commitment ceremony, so how will that appease your religious family exactly?

What are the laws where you live about common law marriage? You could find that you're legally considered married, ceremony or no ceremony, if you have children and present as a married couple. You might want to talk to a lawyer about loan eligibility.

Income shouldn't affect his eligibility for federal students loans but it can affect the type of loan he is eligible for. So....what's the real issue?

It always makes me sad when people in their 30s are still trying to appease their family. It's a sign of an overbearing, controlling family and a person raised to cower to the morals of their elders.

I appreciate the responses... We personally would like the religious ceremony because of our own personal beliefs. As for the legality it wouldn't make a difference to us. We are not chosing either way (legal or commitment) to please our families. The idea of it is more for us and to have our family unite for the ceremony. They live a distance away from eachother and most haven't met.

We are a heterosexual couple and common law does not exsist in our state. As for his schooling... it does impact state grant and for loans it would impact repayment based on income (when taxes filed jointly)

We has thought about a desination ceremony with immediate family so we can have a ceremony as well as a vacation for everyone to bond and build memories.

File taxes separately. Done.

I wouldn't travel to a destination ceremony for a show. We like to pick our own vacations. And frankly, if you're that concerned about money, you shouldn't waste it on a destination ceremony.

I would wait and try to pay down the loans as much as possible in the meantime. It seems like it would put you closer to a legal marriage to take the money it would cost to host this destination commitment ceremony and put it towards your loans, or towards his schooling.

I honestly don't see the point of a commitment ceremony. It's not a commitment in the same way that a marriage or having kids together or even deciding to live together is. It wouldn't change your status or give you the legal rights of marriage (including making him automatically the legal father of your kids).

Would your officiant even perform the ceremony? I know in some states it would be problematic to perform a wedding ceremony to a couple who hasn't obtained a marriage license.

Too bad our resident officiants can't weigh in because you're not allowing vendors to comment.

Putting more money towards student loans would be a nice idea but an extra 10-20 thousand doesn't do much when you owe 160,000. Plus his loans that are accumulating.

Desinatation wedding isn't for show. We both come from families that haven't had the opportunity to travel and this would give us the ability to do so. The idea is for the experience together as one family.

We have an officiant willing to perform with or without legal documentation.

Your original post only mentioned loans, not grants. And just so I am clear, you don't plan on making this legal until all loans are repaid?

If your family is for it, by all means. I imagine they might be as confused as we are.

I'm sorry to weigh in but I think it's stupid to weight just because it doesn't benefit you. You either want to be married and deal with the marriage effects or you don't and you continue to live life as you are. You can't pick and choose your style of marriage just to see how it benefits you more.

I'm not sure what you mean that a destination ceremony would give your families the opportunity to travel. Can you clarify?

Where are you from? In most places a religious ceremony is a legally binding marriage ceremony. As for common-laws, I don't know where you are from so I can only comment about how they work in Canada. Up here, if you have a child and live together, you are considered common-law or if you live together for x amount of years (it varies from province to province), you are considered common-law. You can file taxes "separately" but your income is still considered "family" income for things like student loans, mortgages, taxes etc. You need to consult with a lawyer and an accountant to figure out how marriage will change.

Also, if you want to have a child without being married, it's none of anyone's damn business.

Just wait. A commitment ceremony seems like an excuse to have a wedding-like without the actual commitment.

FH & I are similarly situated in that based on my student loan repayment plan even if we file separate they look at our income jointly and my student loan payment doubles. We're paying off as much as we can in advance and will bite the bullet about the increase. I'm in my mid-30's, we want children and we want to be legally married before having kids.