Commitment Ceremony vs Legally Married!

"Desinatation wedding isn't for show. We both come from families that haven't had the opportunity to travel and this would give us the ability to do so. The idea is for the experience together as one family. "

Except that you're the one choosing the time and place, which is not how family vacations work. People often fool themselves into thinking their doing their loved ones a favor by having a destination wedding, but that is very, very rarely the case, and that's especially true when it isn't even a legal wedding.

As for loans, where do you live? If you're in the United States, your understanding of loan repayment is wrong. If you file separately, only his income is considered in repayment. I know this because I'm in a similar situation and just got married.

https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/sites/default/files/income-driven-repayment-q-and-a.pdf

If I were you, I think I would wait. It sounds like you two will be together for a very long time and you'll have plenty of time to have the wedding when you are ready financially. I also wouldn't let your family dictate whether you have children in a marriage or not. Your 8 years together show your commitment and unity more than a ceremony ever could.

Also, I think this is going to come across a bit mean and I certainly don't mean it that way, but are you sure you can afford to have a child right now? I totally get where you're coming from on fighting the biological clock (we are in the same boat but on FH's side), but having a kid is very expensive and if you have enough financial issues to prevent you from marrying, having a kid will only add to those significantly. It might be worth looking into other options. A few of my friends have frozen their eggs, some plan to adopt if their fertility declines, etc. It's at least worth a little research.

Just so ya know...when I got my taxes done this year, the CPA told me and FH that we could *technically* file as married filing jointly because we own a house together. I guess the IRS loosened the rules due to same sex couples and just norms changing. We ended up filing separately because the CPA said it was advantageous...but that's beside the point.

My main point is that if you have any assets together, the federal government may consider you married regardless. Since the federal government is the one issuing student loans (providing you're in the U.S.) it may not matter whether your ceremony is legal or not. Plenty of us have financial ramifications for getting married....both negative and positive....just own it. Don't try and live in the gray area.

@ Elizabeth - It depends on the type of income-driven plan you are on as there are four different types. If you are on REPAYE Plan (Revised Pay As You Earn Repayment) then regardless of if you file separate from your spouse your income is looked at jointly. (See Page 4, Row 2, Column 1 of the document you provided a link to which states "Payment is generally based on the combined income and loan debt of you and your spouse, regardless of whether you file a joint or separate federal income tax return")

Not sure how it's going so far for you but my fiance and I are going through a similar situation but is not student related but health related and we also would like to have children in the near future. We are also religious and would be doing a commitment ceremony as well. I had mixed feelings about it and the idea when presented to the family did not go as well in the beginning but they are coming around to accepting the idea for the well being of our happiness. We found an officiant that would do the cermony with or without a marriage license which he asaured us all is well. At the end of the day whether it looks weird or sounds messy and everyone might not be on board with it, It's still our decision and if we are happy about it then that's all that matters. Many people have opinions on how someone should live their lives whether legal or not but it shouldn't matter as long as you and your spouse are happy at the end of the day and can look back with no regrets. Wishing you luck, blessings and much happiness.

I agree that you can have a beautiful comment ceremony. At some point you can always get married. You can have a reception the size you can afford. I wish you the best

For most of Western history, marriage was a private contract between two families. Churches accepted the validity of a marriage on the basis of a couple’s declarations. If two people claimed that they had exchanged marital vows—even without witnesses—the Catholic Church accepted that they were validly married. Some states in the US hold that cohabitation can be sufficient evidence of a valid marriage.

I am really tired of this argument. No one has the right to get judgmental about your right to celebrate publicly your love for each other and your "commitment" to spend your lives together. If someone doesn't like that you didn't get a government document before throwing your ceremony, then they should keep their snooty selves at home.

You are married if you have chosen to be. Enough said.

@veroc - I just ran across your post and it’s literally my exact situation. Crazy! So what did you end up deciding?? - commitment ceremony vs marriage.

View Quoted Comment The people saying "well you wouldn't be married" are truly missing the point. Marriage is not the paperwork you sign. It's the vows and commitment. People get so caught up in the legalities of it all and forget the foundation. Make your vows before God and live your life God doesnt sign your marriage license but he will recognize your union.

Marriage is between YOU and your PARTNER and GOD. THAT'S IT! It is nobody's business. /do what makes sense for you and your partner, the end.

I know this is an old post and I hope the happy couple worked everything out for what was best for them. I'm only jumping on to comment about the significance of a promise ceremony. It's not about the "show" as some commented. And yes, people have their reasons, sometimes financial but sometimes other things, for not wanting a marriage legally filed with the state. The significance of a promise ceremony in MY opinion is about making that commitment "in the eyes of God" as I believe is important as a Christian. The legality of a marriage certificate filed with the state is only what society has added for it's own benefit, not what God asked of us. If we view and treat that person as our spouse as He intended from that day forward, then we are fulfilling our marriage obligations in the way that truly matters.

View Quoted Comment .I’m having a commitment ceremony March 21st 2020 we are not financially ready to get married with a marriage license once we get our debt paid off we will consider getting married by law;-) hope that helps you out.

As someone who's planned my pregnancy and decided to push off marriage for somewhat similar reasons, I will say I have a lot of family complaining and asking why we aren't married. And for awhile I kind of wished I did a small ceremony just for close family, not legally though, to calm them down. But they aren't saints either so I'm happy I got to start my family since I know I have fertilitiy issues.


Also Idk why you guys are saying it's a "fake" ceremony. 1st if your religious and do it this way, who cares if it's not through the government. I know plenty of families who would rather you have it official through the church. People are going to be pissy either way. And 2nd if you're not religious and want to do it for yourself, and dont care about a piece of paper from the government that works too. Everyone grew up with different cultural perspectives and what's the "right way" of getting married or having kids. But do whatever makes you happy.

View Quoted Comment Best answer