Confused by lack of consistency in wedding etiquette

I feel like invitations are meant to tell you who is invited to the event, not who isn't. I don't have children, but if their names weren't listed on the invitation, I would assume they weren't invited. I wouldn't send my neighbor an invitation to let them know they weren't invited, so I won't send me best friend an invitation that says "hey, your kids aren't welcome."

I don't think I understand the tipping thing. I've never tipped someone before I received a service nor have I seen anyone suggest it. Sure, there's recommended amounts, but no one says that you need to tip your photographer 20% in advance and then receive crappy photos.

Lol. Girl, I totally get what you’re saying. We aren’t having a wedding party, because I didn’t want to deal with any of that drama. We have an open, serve yourself, beer and wine bar with a wide variety of choices because my parents have been buying everything a little at a time when they see a good sale. All kids are invited...a little nervous for this, because there are like 15 of them and only 60 adults. Like everyone in our families has multiple kids and our day wouldn’t feel complete without all of them. However, if you’re not steady dating someone, you’re not getting a plus one...sorry not sorry. 18% is included in our catering quote...which I think they’ll do a great job. I’m not worried at all. If something does go wrong, then whatever...it’s just one day. At the end of it, I’ll be married to my best friend and we’ll all finally have the same last name (we have a 5 year old son). That’s all I care about.

I’ve basically decided to throw out all the silly rules and etiquette because, and I’ll be completely honest, I really don’t care. They’re overly complicated, inconsistent, and frankly... asinine. I have better things to worry about and spend my time on than to worry about what my closest friends and family will think of me because I don’t send save the dates at the right time, or I didn’t have the proper place setting for the type of meal I’m serving.

I'm with you! Some things completely make sense and just seem like common courtesy, others are confusing and convoluted. People have such strong opinions about these rules sometimes, and scoff if you don't seem to innately know all of the intricacies. We're all just trying to do our best here, lol.

I just finished putting together my save-the-date envelopes, and the address etiquette alone was maddening.

View Quoted Comment I guess I look at it logically... in a job you are provided a clear explanation of exactly what is expected of you. If they didn’t provide this (and just assumed you would pick up on subtle clues) how on earth could they hold you accountable for it? Of course you wouldn’t send someone something simply to tell them they aren’t invited to an event... but if you are sending an invitation to a household where certain people to do not meet the age requirements to attend, wouldn’t it be super rude and illogical to not let the parents know that? Personally, I wouldn’t be put off, insulted, etc. by an invitation that simply states adults only, knowing it is the same invitation everyone is receiving. But I likely would be irritated if someone called me personally and said btw, don’t bring your kids. Like, why didn’t you just say that in the first place? Now the kids know about the wedding & are excited thinking they will be attending (because the invitation didn’t indicate otherwise), and now parents are going to have to tell them they can’t go now. Whereas if the invitation simply stated adults only, parents could simply say “sorry, it’s a grown up event”. Just seems needlessly complicated, confusing, time consuming and potentially offensive for something that could be easily remedied with one simple line in an invite... all just because someone (who is this god of etiquette that has made these rules??) says that’s the way it should be done. As far as photography, I have heard & read over & over again that your vendors (including photographers) should be tipped 15-20% on the day of the wedding. But you won’t get your pictures back for weeks or months thereafter. That seems completely backwards to me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

View Quoted Comment Totally get why people would opt out of having a wedding party these days- it’s just so much more work, money, and potential for drama! Congrats on the engagement!! Sending you lots of wedding planning luck & serenity!!

View Quoted Comment I love this and your honesty!! And tbh, you will likely have a much more enjoyable experience than those sooooo wrapped up on the “dos & donts” of weddings. Congrats & happy planning!!!

View Quoted Comment Thank you, it’s nice just to know that I’m not the only one completely confused & frustrated by all these inconsistencies!!

View Quoted Comment Thanks lady! You, too! I was asked to be my friends MOH for her wedding last June. It was alright, but I realized standing up in that, that I would NEVER want to put that kind of financial pressure on my friends...or myself. So we just opted out. Nobody is heartbroken over not having to spend $300 just to stand up in our wedding 😂

I completely agree with you! When I was planning my wedding I wanted to do it by the book. I wanted to make sure I was following etiquette and that everything was perfect. Certain things didn't make sense to me and other things I completely understood. At some point in the planning process I decided to stop doing what others told me I should do because it was proper and I just did what my husband and I wanted to do. Everything still turned out great and it was less stressful because I wasn't trying to follow a book of rules on what should and shouldn't be done. There were some things we did for our wedding that were considered proper wedding etiquette but then there were other things that did not follow etiquette at all and none of it bothered me, lol.

The most important things to us was that our guests were well taken care of and had a good time. Good food, good drink and good music.

Ahhh yes. My favorite was when people told me I couldn't have a bridal shower because I am having a DW for an intimate group. So basically that translated to, "because your soon to be spouse is deploying and you need to change the wedding date, you shouldn't enjoy the fun bridal activities that every other bride gets to enjoy." So in other words, we threw out etiquette and my mother and aunt are throwing me a shower. 37 women are coming to celebrate my marriage and not one woman has expressed discuss over my intimate wedding. Circumstances shouldn't dictate whether or not a bride gets to celebrate.

Yeah following all these strange rules for an event meant to celebrate your love with other people you love seems very odd to me. If it's the kind of wedding where you're inviting people you don't really know or whatever so it actually is a bunch of strangers (... But why?) then I get why the "proper" way of doing things might be more relevant. But for my own friends and family? Like... Why?

Yea, the rules seem super arbitrary!

Lol agreed with you. I’m not even looking up etiquette because I just don’t care?? It’s not old days where I’m living with my parents with them caring for me financially till my FH can? Lol

If you read an actual etiquette book , not something recent from a website, or a self styled expert indirectly paid by the wedding industry, you would find that real etiquette is actually pretty consistent in it's rules or the reasons behind them. Etiquette that you cite, and things many people say, are not things that really are or ever have been etiquette. They are corruptions. If you read articles of advice on this website, or it's parent company the knot, you will over and over find 2-3 articles saying different things are right. These are wedding industry people who feed to what is good to keep interest in their entertainment, and make enough use of their advertisers, to make money. Like TV shows that manufacture drama, they say anything and make up anything people will accept. Unfortunately, people on these forums differ. Some know what the traditional reasons for each etiquette rule are, and when they apply, and when they don't. And others have learned from TV, movies, and websites more than anything, and mix it all up and think they know proper etiquette. For example, from your post: Hair and makeup. Real Etiquette: it is each person's responsibility to take care of their own grooming, hair and make up. Do it themselves, have a friend do it, or pay a stylist. #2 The bride has no say at all, beyond a suggestion like I prefer up do's, or romantic curls, sort of things , and in the end a bridesmaid could always do what she wanted as long as she is consistent with the formality of the occasion. But, TV land time, since reality TV has pushed everything is the princess bride's day done the bride's way, TV shows model how brides are to be deferred to in ways only royalty it celebrities with an entourage ever were. They say bride's can dictate how ladies lonnok. And ladies then say I am paying, I do what I want. So in comes the idea, well if a bride wants to tell a BM how her body, HMU etc must look, she simply has to pay for it. And a bunch of people like that, and pass it on in places like this WW. But standard etiquette says, a bride can no more control a BM personal appearance (other than dress) by buying the privilege, than your parents can buy the right to invite a hundred people you don't want, by paying for it. In Real E, any bride who wants to offer to pay for HMU , as a gift, may. But no one has to do things her way. They only buy the service, not the look created. And anyone who wants to can do their own, or get ready on their own. As they wish. Because this reality TV trend of everyone spending hours and hours together, all focused on creating wonderful support for the bride, is a new made up for Hing. Real E: People can get ready as a group if they want to. And can get ready at home, in their hotel room, together or separately. But the bride can not require group getting ready. Can not set things up so people must show up a day early. Cannot require how they get their HMU done, or where. BM must dress in the dress, and present the themselves ready to slip on a dress, or all dressed, an hour before the wedding, or in time for group photos at the site. Bride's can offer to pay, or not, their choice. Even if they pay, bride does not dictate how it gets done. The other standard of Etiquette rule that jumps in here. Dresses. For many years, it has been Etiquette that for a ceremony, there may be special robes or dresses. Graduation Gowns, Military Dress Uniforms, Coronation robes and crowns, Baptism gowns. And Attendants to brides and groom's, who used to simply wear their own best dresses, or suits, since after WWII increasingly have worn simar or identical things. B and G are giving you an honorary position in their ceremony, they can choose the dress or suit if they wish. Until recently, only well off people insisted men match it rent to match. Mostly, a suit if this color, was okay. This is where bride's right to choose came from, the ceremonial aspect. But beyond that, etiquette says, people are not decorations or props. Beyond the dress itself, bride and groom cannot choose. As long as their hair, makeup, and shoes and jewelry are the right level of formality , each person chooses their own look. Adults do not tell other adults how to dress, groom themselves, or what general style they have. If the ladies themselves want to look the same, okay, but no one can dictate it. In the US, each BM is responsible for paying for her own HMU and dress. And the bride needs to choose dresses within the BM reasonable budget. Not anything she wants no matter the cost. And though the bride may offer to pay for either or both, the basic responsibility is that of the BM. Until this last 15-20 years, few brides not wealthy had stylists, on site. It has created a big expense, and been the source of lots of recent made up rules that are not Etiquette at all. Every point in the original post, the same thing is true. Real etiquette vs made up etiquette. I ran across a howler here on WW, in an article, a week ago. The writer advises that a couple will be very distressed if you capture a nice picture of the before the ceremony, and post it on social media before the wedding, before the couple has seen any of their pictures. So wait. Don't post then. Good advice, polite . But then writer says, wait til the ceremony starts, then post to social media. My soon to be married niece was telling her MOH that did not seem correct No kidding. No real etiquette would ever suggest that as soon as a ceremony starts, instead of paying attention to the bride and groom and the entire ceremony, guests may tune out and get on social media. Right at their seats? I thought I heard wrong. Nope. That Was in the article they had printed a while back on guest manners, here on WW. Wait til the ceremony starts, then get on social media and post. How disgusting. It really is worth buying a real etiquette book, in general, or getting one from the library . Not wedding industry sponsored.

View Quoted Comment Haha! Good thing you got that trial run in your friend’s wedding to realize what not to do in your own. I’m with you on the “honor” of being in a wedding party being more of a financial drain for them than anything. Because of this, I am only having 2 people stand with me- my 2 best friends. One male & one female (maid of honor and man of honor). My male best friend will obviously be super low maintenance. I am allowing him to wear whatever he wants within our color scheme, and I will be paying for it. I also told my maid of honor that she could wear any dress she would like within the color scheme. I ended up seeing a dress online that I thought would look gorgeous on her - a long, figure skimming velvet gown (because she loves velvet) and that super deep V in front that seems to be on 90% of dresses these days LOL She absolutely LOVED it, but was super surprised I suggested it since it was so sexy. She said she was going to pick something ultra conservative because of the old adage that bridesmaids shouldn’t look sexy or in any way compete for attention with the bride. But I want my best friend to feel amazing standing next to me. And she’s definitely got the ta tas for the dress!! 😆 I will be paying for her dress, along with a makeup artist to do her make up. I would have paid for a hairstylist as well, but she is a hairstylist by trade, so she will be doing her own. It was important for me to keep my bridal party super small and intimate with only those absolutely closest to me for the exact reasons you mentioned. It is supposed to be an honorary position, so I want to honor them by removing the financial obligations usually associated with the position. We are having a destination wedding, so I will also be paying for their hotel rooms the night before and the night of our wedding. Yes, it is costing me a lot more to do this, but that is why we planned our wedding two years out- to have time to save for these things that were important to us.

View Quoted Comment I think this is how all brides should plan their weddings! Sure, it is important to follow common sense etiquette (ie, make sure your guests are comfortable and taken care of), but all the other extra stuff should be considered by the couple on a case by case basis. I don’t think there can be this huge set of rules that applies to every couple and every wedding and every situation. It should be more of a general guideline, but “know your crowd” sorta thing.

View Quoted Comment Yes! This exactly!!

View Quoted Comment Oh my goodness, if only all weddings were like that! You sound like an awesome freaking friend! What a great experience for them. Congratulations to you, as well.