Courthouse Elopement Before the Wedding

I haven't done an elopement but my BFF just told me she couldn't be my BM either because she'll be in Mexico living in the jungle where it'll be $900 round trip. I'm glad I didn't make her MOH or I'd be really bummed. 15 years she's never made it to a graduation, bday party and well she's leaving the country so my Weddings is out too. Such a shame I love her so much. Sorry to vent on your post lol I just feel your pain, it won't be the same. Thinking about cancelling the Bach party. Seems silly now ☹️

Getting "secretly" married won't help. First, lying to your guests is not okay. Second, you're having issues essentially with planning a big party called a wedding, not with getting married, so none of those issues will change. Perhaps you should call the wedding off and elope. Don't have a wedding because it's expected. Do what's best for you and FH emotionally and financially. You can always elope and throw a casual party later on.

Just to warn you, you will get a lot of VERY negative feedback on WW forums about doing this! So be prepared!

Listen- lots of people get married before their wedding date. And let’s not get into the whole issue of “you’re lying to your guests.” (I’m not touching this one with a 10 foot pole) If having a big wedding is stressing you out- don’t have one! It’s your wedding day and you and your fiancé can do whatever you want! I did not have a big wedding. But it was what I wanted. We did not get married ahead of time because we didn’t need to. Like if you want to get married on a Wednesday in at the courthouse- you can. If you want to invite just your immediate family, you can. Or you don’t have to. But I don’t see the point in throwing money away on a party it doesn’t seem like you even want.

My husband and I eloped a year ago and are now planning our actual wedding. As someone who also suffers from anxiety being already married, so far has made the whole wedding planning fun and stress free. In the end its your marriage so do whatever will make you the happiest!

I guess I'm just feeling like if we're already married, maybe I won't be so stressed about all of the little things going wrong. And maybe I won't be so picky about who does our cake or our flowers, those things maybe won't matter quite as much which might help in actually finding an available baker & florist if I'm not so picky. I don't know lol I'm just over this whole wedding thing and after watching that episode of The Office with Jim & Pam's wedding, it just seemed like eloping beforehand would be a good idea and help alleviate some stress, but maybe not

View Quoted Comment

Well, unfortunately, we're 3.5 months away from our wedding, so big things are already booked and non-refundable at this point (like our venue, caterer, and photographer) not to mention I've already purchased my dress and our wedding party has already paid for their attire as well... so cancelling at this point would mean that a lot of people would be out a lot of money, so we have to just keep chugging along.

I did want a big a wedding initially, it's something I've dreamed of having ever since I was a little girl and I used to make Barbie & Ken get married 100 different ways in my room lol I couldn't imagine just eloping or having a small ceremony, but now that I'm in the thick of things and I see how stressful the planning has become and how much my depression & anxiety has increased, I completely regret doing this whole big wedding thing; totally wishing we would have just eloped, but alas, it's too late now, which is why I'm playing with the idea of just eloping beforehand.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks! Glad to hear that being married already is making the planning a little more fun and less stressful

How would your families feel about this? What if they find out?

Eloping before the ceremony will not eliminate all of the issues you are having with finding vendors. If you want to elope and then have a simple reception that doesn't involve things like flowers and an officiant and anything else ceremony related then sure go for it. It sound like it would work much better to just have a simple party vs a bunch of vendors and bridal party and all the drama that comes with it.

We eloped and are having our wedding celebration in Vegas on 10/27 with all of our guests. They know we had the state ceremony already and are still excited to come. I don't have the stress of individual vendors since it's all inclusive so I can't really give any advice on the issues you are having.

Again just be honest with everyone. People will still come to your reception and be happy for you.

View Quoted Comment

Yeah I don't know, haven't thought that through fully... just playing with the idea of an elopement beforehand. I guess, if it was something we actually did, we would have to at least invite our immediate family and explain to them that this will help us feel less stressed with the remaining wedding planning... I don't know.

View Quoted Comment Ok, I get what you are saying so I hope this doesn’t come out wrong because I do see the appeal of what happened in that show (and I love the office too lol) but you have to remember... it was just a TV show. People don’t do things like that in real life. Not saying you CANT do it, but don’t expect it to magically fix your anxiety about the wedding like it did in the show.

I think rather than adding in a secret wedding before your actual wedding, you have a few options that are more likely to fix the actual problem, which is that you’re anxious about things going wrong at the wedding.

1. Actually just elope. And maybe throw a 1 year anniversary party, or a 5 year anniversary party with your friends and family.

2. Change your mindset, and change your expectations about your wedding. Things WILL go wrong. But you’re marrying the love of your life! The whole point of that scene from the office... Jim cutting his tie in half and everything... was supposed to be “who cares what else happens today, because we’re getting married.” You can get into that mindset without having a secret wedding beforehand. Your day will not be perfect but it will be yours.

#2 is what I’ve pretty much resolved myself to. I know the day is going to be stressful and things will go wrong but I’m just going to let it happen how it happens. As long as you, FH, and a minister show up, you’re marrying the love of your life! The other stuff doesn’t matter! FH and I are also planning a trip to Hawaii for our 1 year wedding anniversary, where we will be renewing our vows, and it’s kind of going to be like a second “secret wedding” for just the 2 of us. This way, the day we actually get married will be with all our friends and family (so no one will get offended for not being invited) and we still get to have a perfect day with just the 2 of us, even though it’ll be a year later.

Just some thoughts! I just don’t think getting secretly married before will actually resolve your anxiety over the real issue.

View Quoted Comment To respond to this aspect, don’t you think that’ll just ADD stress? Now you’re basically planning 2 weddings, the elopement and the other one. And what makes you think a courthouse elopement will be a perfect way to get married?

Idk I’m sorry I feel bad, I don’t want to make you feel picked on for this haha I just am worried that you’ll make things even harder for yourself

I just don’t understand how this would alleviate stress at all. You still have all the dynamics of the big party.
on top of THAT, you will have a ginormous secret you’ll have to work about getting out. To me that would only add pressure and anxiety.

i think the best thing for you would be to try to reset focus and expectations— if you think that eloping would do that for you, there has to be another way too. Prioritize the marriage part. There doesn’t have to be cake , everything else can be a disaster, but as long as you’re married at the end of the day— it went perfectly

View Quoted Comment Exactly this. You articulated better than me haha

Hey there. Everything is going to work out just fine. Honest!
I can tell you about our wedding. We had a private ceremony, and later that evening, we had a big reception. It was an amazing balance between privacy, minimal stress, intimacy, excitement, and celebration.
We did the decorating ourselves the day before and it was so much fun. It also saved a lot of money in the floral department.

Many different places make wedding cakes, think your local grocery store, Sam's, etc and they are great. Honestly, if Walmart made your cake, no one would know. It's cake! People like cake!
Happy wedding planning, and congratulations! I would be happy to help you if you have any more questions!

Oh God, the “you’re lying to your guest” people are here. It is nobody else’s business if her and her husband elope before they have the wedding, but I digress. I'm not doing that discussion again. :/ But anyway, I know you think you'll lose a lot of money but do the math and see if it'll cost you more than you've lost--or adjust your attitude and go with the flow and get creative with vendors.

^this. I agree the lying to your guests thing doesn’t matter. Just I’m worried that doing BOTH will just make you more anxious.

A close friend of ours was “married” in March. We found out after the fact that they were actually legally married beforehand and it left a super bad taste in my mouth. We don’t talk to them much anymore, and I know some of their family doesn’t either.

OP, I think you've gotten some great advice in this thread in regards to expectations and what to do.

I'd agree that eloping secretly beforehand is going to help your stress levels, cause you more trouble, and that TV is pretty unrealistic. I think it'll come down to adjusting your expectations and focus, or changing your wedding.