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Just Said Yes August 2018

Courthouse Wedding before ceremony?

Hannah, on August 9, 2018 at 3:28 AM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 12

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Hi All,

Ive been in a military relationship for the past year and a half and we have decided to get engaged. I’ve been with him since before the start of his career, through basic and his current tech schooling. He is in Texas, and I’m in Idaho where the majority of both our families live. I’m going down to TX for a long trip in September and am currently working to save enough to start college in mid-western TX in Fall 2019. We have talked about having a courthouse wedding when I visit him and getting all the paperwork done so I can get healthcare, file taxes independently, etc. which will help me in establishing residency and help with in-state tuition. I would like to have a “real wedding” ceremony however, since the family and friend attendance aspect is very important to me. My family is also rather traditional and many would feel left out if I were to be married without any celebration at all. Would it be terrible to have the big wedding ceremony later with the reception and family even if we had legally gotten married several months prior? I hate to call it a vow renewal, because it makes it seem like we had an initial wedding that people missed out on and would then feel little remorse on skipping. I also don’t want to keep it a huge secret, since I know much of our family would be very offended if they found out after the fact that we had been married in advance of the wedding. I’d love to have the wedding in Idaho before I move, so it would have to be in less than a year from now (Ideally in the spring, when he will have leave saved up, we can have enough money, and the weather is perfect). Is there a solution to this that I’m missing, or am I just overthinking the whole situation? Side note: having dependents (me) will raise his paychecks and allow us both to save up money for a nice ceremony faster. I work 60-70 hours a week from three jobs but don’t want to spend the entirety of my education fund on my wedding. So just trying to find that middle compromise. Thank you for your advice ❤️

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12 Comments

Latest activity by AngTrom, on August 10, 2018 at 9:51 AM

Master 0000
Judith · on August 9, 2018 at 3:37 AM
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A week after a civil ceremony, you can still call the more elaborate ceremony your wedding. Married as long as you are proposing, NO. You may have a vow renewal and reception. Or you may have a simple reception for the recently married couple, but the tradeoff for getting the benefits of marriage is that you will actually be married, that is the wedding. Two part actual wedding works days apart., if 1 very private or civil ceremony with just you. Not as far alert as you want.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 9, 2018 at 3:38 AM
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*as far apart*
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Just Said Yes August 2018
Hannah · on August 9, 2018 at 3:46 AM
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Thank you for your reply. If we got married in TX none of our family would be there, it would be one of his close friends witnessing. I think an important part of a wedding is the stating of commitment in front of two families, which is why I’d still like to have a somewhat traditional ceremony. We would have a reception/celebration no matter what, just to have our families come together, but I think it’s important to have those vows expressed. We could alter it so the officiant doesn’t have to technically be pronouncing us man and wife, that sort of thing and it wouldn’t bother either of us. Texas would basically just be the paperwork being filed so we can get the legal issues worked out in advance as far as military dependency, housing, etc. I just would also feel guilty if I straight up lied and didn’t tell our family that had happened during my visit.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 9, 2018 at 4:13 AM
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Don't lie about it to anyone. That is the point. Honestly, have the civil ceremony , now legally married. Let family, friends, the world know : We are having a brief civil ceremony in .......... However, though this makes us legally married, to us marriage is not complete unless we stand up before our friends and family, and express our lifelong commitment to each other. We will be doing this in...month... and having a reception to follow, And when you get to the big party, your invitations say, we are having a reception to celebrate our marriage on ...civil date... We will start with a short ceremony to restate our vows in front of family and friends, as this is what will make us married in our hearts, not just under the law. We hope you will join us on .......yada yada. People can have celebrations, really big parties called receptions, and people will come. Have a ball, feel truly married. But the second will not be a wedding. Wear fancy dress as a couple, not bridal finery in white. Have fun, express your commitment to one another, all fine. Why do you care if it is called your wedding, which it is not, or a commitment ceremony and reception for a recently married couple? As for gifts, it is a tradition in most groups in the U.S. to give a gift on the occasion of marriage. That should be because you care for the couple and wish them well. So some people will send you gifts when you actually marry, the civil marriage. And others will decide, when they say their vows in front of us all, and celebrate with a reception which will be their first major entertaining as a married couple, that is when we will wish them well and give a gift. And no one must give a gift, ever. But if people want to celebrate with you, great. Just do not mislabel the later celebration as "the wedding".
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on August 9, 2018 at 4:24 AM
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You really have two options here. Get married in the fall and then have a vow renewal/celebration of marriage in the spring (please tell your family you’re married) or wait until the spring and get married in front of all your family and friends. A wedding, by definition, is when a marriage ceremony takes place. You will already have had a wedding in TX if you choose to get married when you visit him. You can certainly still celebrate with your family and friends after the fact, but I don’t think it would be fair to keep this from them so they make it a priority to attend the party.
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Expert September 2018
M · on August 9, 2018 at 4:37 AM
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I've read several similar posts like this with brides who have to make the decision that might be different that what they've always dreamed. I loved the text Judith stated in her post.

Please don't lie to people. Your family loves you and will understand the situation you're in. Extend the opportunity for some of the closest to come to TX maybe some people can join then?

Your renewal or whatever you decide to call it is you reaffirming your love and commitment in front of your friends and family. I don't quite see how that makes your wedding in Texas any less other than its different that what you've always dreamed.
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VIP September 2018
BB-H · on August 9, 2018 at 9:24 AM
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I would caution you against referring to on or another as a "real" ceremony as both are very real to those who choose either. If you go to the courthouse in Texas, you are just as married as you are if you are in front of your friends and family in Idaho. I understand the position you're in and sympathize with the choice that you're making. Get ahead on financials, or get married in the ceremony you always wanted? It's difficult, but it sounds like doing this with your friends and family present is more important to you, and for that reason I would wait and do it in Idaho. No matter what, as PPs have said, do not lie to those you love.
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Master July 2017
Going to the chapel · on August 9, 2018 at 9:31 AM
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Your real wedding would be at the courthouse in Texas. Calling it anything but a real wedding is insulting to those who joyfully choose to be married at a courthouse because they love each other and not just to receive financial benefits.
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Super October 2017
OrangeCrush · on August 9, 2018 at 11:57 AM
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I agree 100%. Go ahead and have your wedding in a courthouse, lots of people do, but NO LYING TO ANYONE. No lying by omission, either: "Well we just never told anyone we were married, and they never asked!" I agree with letting your folks know so they can 1) know an 2) head down to TX to witness the ceremony. If it was my daughter I would certainly want that option.
That TX ceremony will be your wedding, and it will be very special.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 9, 2018 at 11:59 AM
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I think if you plan on telling your family, it's fine to plan your wedding later. I wouldn't care if I was invited. Especially for military brides, this is common. It may also help you qualify for more college scholarship programs.
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Master May 2017
Mrs.Whooooo · on August 9, 2018 at 12:07 PM
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Also keep in mind, being married might also change any financial aid you might apply for or need in the long run, as they take both of your incomes into account after you are married
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Dedicated May 2019
AngTrom · on August 10, 2018 at 9:51 AM
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I'm going to go against the grain here and say do what feels best for you and your fiance in your head and in your heart. You are planning a life for yourselves, not just a celebration. Also, SO many people do it for SO many reasons.
Go to the courthouse if it is what works best for the both of you and then plan your wedding, as a wedding! Wear the dress, have the ceremony, eat the cake.
Spoiler alert for any of my guests randomly on here: My fiance (also military) and I did just that (oh the shock, the horror! how DARE we!) because we needed to be legally hitched 6 months before adopting our daughter. We decided to tell our parents, pastor and wedding party. We didn't tell anyone else as a personal choice between our parents and ourselves but also we KNOW that no one else would care. They want to celebrate with us and expect us to always do what is best for our family, not for them. We are having a religious ceremony and only then will we feel married, when we've committed in front of God and our loved ones. The paperwork is just that to us. It wasn't special and it wasn't meaningful and not because it was at the courthouse, but because we didn't want it to feel special. So it didn't.
One thing though, if you up and move to TX and have base privileges, etc people will know so keep that in mind in deciding how to tell people!!
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Courthouse Wedding before ceremony?

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