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VIP December 2021

Cousin is ttc and i feel awfully jealous but I’m not ready for children

mrswinteriscoming, on March 4, 2022 at 4:06 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7

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For background, my second cousin ‘Tim’ and his partner ‘Sally’ never knew if they wanted children, it was always a “maybe but don’t think so” question for them. They knew if they wanted children though that it would have to be via IVF because in Tim’s family the men have lazy sperm.

Today I found out by chance that Tim and Sally are going to start their first round of IVF in a few weeks and as much as I’m happy for them that they’ve decided to try for a baby, my heart sank a little bit out of jealousy. Perhaps it was that for some reason I always thought I’d have children before them because they were never fully set on it, but I just couldn’t help but feel the burning pang of jealous rage.
What’s odd about the situation especially is that I’m not even myself ready yet for children - I want them but I’m just not ready to change my life and adapt for a child just yet (and neither is my husband).
Has anyone else felt this ‘unexpected’ jealousy? I’m not even a jealous person myself but I’m just a bit unsure how to feel right now.

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Latest activity by Samantha, on March 7, 2022 at 8:41 AM

Super October 2022
Jessi · on March 4, 2022 at 10:20 AM
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Emotions are weird, but definitely allow yourself to feel them as you work through why. Like you mentioned, though you can rationally realize that having kids isn't a race, part of you had expectations set and those expectations were ruined. I think too that especially with family planning and things that are kind of meant to take your relationship or family to the next "level" it's hard not to sometimes feel like you're falling behind as others move ahead before you're ready. Since you're aware that the feelings are a bit odd, I think the best thing you can do is talk them out to a neutral party that won't say anything to let it get back to them or possibly write down all of the thoughts to just get them out. The feeling will pass eventually.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on March 4, 2022 at 11:18 AM
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I agree with Jessi - emotions are weird. sometimes you won't ever understand fully why or how you feel the way you feel. maybe what you feel is the fact that you thought for yourself that you'd be ready by now? so it's not so much about them but that it makes you reflect on yourself?
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Devoted October 2021
Brenda · on March 4, 2022 at 2:25 PM
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Yeah I feel this. I have a couple of friends who are on their 2nd child now. They asked us the other week when we're going to start trying and I actually broke down and started crying. I want kids so bad, but like you, we just aren't in the place to try right now. We don't have room in our little apartment, and we have some life things we want/need to do first before having a little one.

But it dawned on me that I've been blocking friends and family's posts on social media of "___ is 2 months old now!" "____ said their first words!" "Welcoming baby _____ to our lives!" for a few years now.
It's hard being child free not by choice. Or by choice only because it's not the right time yet. I don't have much advice on the matter, but you're not alone in feeling this way.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on March 4, 2022 at 4:09 PM
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Thank you - I definitely think you’re right in that it’s probably just the by product of the expectations I subconsciously set.

I’m genuinely happy for them so it’s something I wouldn’t even discuss with my family so as to avoid anything going back to them, I think I just needed to get it off my chest. Even this post was a relief in just putting the words done and sending them out into the world.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on March 4, 2022 at 4:12 PM
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I think as well it’s really tricky because some people will just tell you that you’ll “make it work” once you have a baby, whether it be with the space you have, your finances, commitments etc and it tends to undermine the responsible side of you that wants to have X or Y done / in place before you have a baby, so I hear you on this.

It’s like we are “pre-ready” - emotionally ready, willing and able to have a child, but the pieces just haven’t fallen into place to do so as we’d like to.
We will get there eventually but until then, oh love how I sympathize with you in how you’ve felt in those situations!
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on March 6, 2022 at 12:38 AM
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I understand. My fiancé and I are getting married in October. We’re planning to buy an RV this year and travel full time for probably a few years before having kids. We’re just not ready yet but we want them and I’ve been seeing a few people I used to know posting online with their second babies already or are currently pregnant. I’m 27 and I feel weirdly behind even though I know that’s ridiculous. Every persons timeline is different. But I feel jealous as well when I see them even though I’m actively making a choice to wait
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on March 7, 2022 at 8:41 AM
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Just here to high five the people who make the smart, mature decision to have a baby when you are financially/ emotionally/ lifestyle ready, instead of just doing it because its the next step to life.
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Cousin is ttc and i feel awfully jealous but I’m not ready for children

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