Covenant vs. Contract - Cheating: How would you react?

I take marriage very seriously. In my first marriage, when my then husband became incapable of/uninterested in sex, I did without sex for six years rather than cheat. I went into therapy for the last three years of the marriage, trying to save the marriage. The ultimate decision to leave after 20 years of marriage was his, not mine.

I have not, to my knowledge, ever had to deal with a cheating partner. However, if I did, I would definitely look at the surrounding circumstances. If my wife were out of town for a long period of time on business, and succumbed to the temptation to cheat one night while drunk, I would see the situation quite differently than if she had moved in with someone else.

*snip snip*

Agreed

I agree with jlam when she said every situation is completely different and it's impossible to imagine the what-ifs.

Honestly though, in almost every situation, I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. I would get counseling first, but only to heal myself so I could have a chance of having a healthy relationship in the future. Trust is important to me.

Also, in most cases of cheating, it really had nothing to do with the other person. I do take issue with people blaming the victim of cheating. No one forces someone to cheat, they choose that behavior. If they're unhappy, they need to end the marriage first. In many cases, the couple has a good sex life, kids, go on dates, and have a good relationship. There are some who just like the thrill or put themselves in the situation to fall for someone. They know better (this applies to men and women, not just men). Cheating is a no-no.

Honestly I don't know what I would do. I could sit here and say "yes I'd stick it out" but when it ultimatley comes down to it a lot of soul searching and counseling would have to be done before I could say kick rocks til your feet bleed or stay with me dear....

I admit that I haven't read all PP yet, but I'd do everything possible to save the marriage. My reaction would definitely depend on why he did it, and the situation. A stupid drunk one-night-stand I could get over. (NOT condoning it. It'd take a lot of work to repair that damage). Affair with my best friend? Goodbye, a$$hole. Anything in between, I don't know unless it happened. On another note, I think the contract vs covenant thing is interesting. We met with our priest this morning and he said pretty much the same thing. It really offended me because I felt like it implied that, as a non-Catholic (or any religion, not hating on them specifically) my word is less trustworthy. You "can" leave a marriage regardless, it's just a difference in consequences (legal vs. Hell). Regardless of how we make our vows, to me, marriage is forever, and there's no leaving. Case closed. I just found it so interesting that he viewed a civil ceremony as one taken less seriously.

Sorry to hi-jack, Te-Mela, but that just happened this morning and I'm still pretty heated about it. He basically told me that my vows are crap. We're no longer having it blessed because they won't do it outside of the actual church building, and they called us out for doing it for his parents rather than for ourselves.

Maybe-a-Mrs: "A stupid drunk one-night-stand I could get over. (NOT condoning it. It'd take a lot of work to repair that damage). Affair with my best friend? Goodbye, a$$hole. Anything in between, I don't know unless it happened. "

Yeah, that's pretty much how I fell. I could MAYBE (big maybe) forgive for that, but otherwise, probably not. Although aren't people aware of what they're doing when they're drunk? I've never been drunk before.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Erin. You did NOT deserve that. Some priests are just @ssholes, no excuses there. WHile at our couples retreat, one priest appoligized because of the unecessary work another was putting one couple through. And there was no need for it. Sometimes I think some of them have issues they need to work out with God - and we get caught in the crossfire.

Thanks! The funny thing is that he's a close family frind of FS, so I expected him to be cool. And now, of course, I'm afraid that he's going to run to FMIL and tell her about our discussion. (She figures that I'm Christian, just not Catholic. I haven't gotten into the Agnostic/undecided thing with her. She'd freak, and I don't wanna cause any drama for FS)

But I agree - if he had a drunken night, we can work on that. But if you think you can be Tiger Woods - well I got some woods I can hide your body in.

@dks64 - it depends on how much they drink. FS has been that drunk before (not cheating but not remembering what happened). We went out to a club together and it was pretty funny really. He was so drunk that no one would sit next to him on the train cause they were scared he'd blow. Then I had to basicly carry/lead him in the building and put him to bed. He was clueless the next morn. He doesn't like to get that drunk anymore, either, lol! I think cause I laughed at him all the next day while he was hungover.

If he tells her anything, you can get him deflocked! That is worse than breaking lawyer-client privledge. Priests cannot give out any information you share with them in private. And pre-martial classes count as such. :-(

I know that it's common for guys not to be able to get aroused if they're too drunk, so wouldn't the drunk theory be false that he/she had no control? Just a thought.

MrsJoseph - I would have been afraid to sit next to him too I don't see the point in getting that drunk. Being hungover doesn't look fun either.

@dks...it depends on the guy. Sometimes alcohol causes impotence, but not always. And I definitely think people can get drunk enough to do something really stupid. It's not an excuse, and definitely not ok, but it happens. I've definitely done things I've regretted the next morning.

Alcohol doesn't cause impotence in FS. In fact, it makes him go longer (TMI, sorry)

I've already been down this road before so I know my answer, but with marriage being involved I think I'd take to the situation differently. FS & I both have cheated 1 time on each other. Sadly, I was first. I don't think his was for paybacks but we got over it, moved on and are happily committed to one another now 100%. If it happened again, after marriage, we'd definitely try counselling to see if it is something he thinks of often or if it was a one time thing. But I'd like to think we're over those days.

I'm surprised you're not forcing him to get drunk more often, MJ Just kidding.

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