Covid-19 and the future mil

I would say that in my state, 100 people at any gathering is considered extraordinarily high risk and is probably against regulations.

You can't change her mind. She is worried (rightly so), and if she doesn't feel safe, she won't come.

The two of you have to decide if you're ok with that.

Be prepared that continuing against her wishes may cause a rift. The only thing I can think of to appease her is to promise to quarantine before and after - and then actually do so.

View Quoted Comment We’ve researched the regulations and 100 people is not against the regulations where we’re having it. Of those 100 people (this is the total invited), we only really expected about 60 (max) to be there because at least half of the total are from another state.


The thing is, she’s very much the “if it’s not perfect, don’t do it” and my FH was too when we got together (but he’s slowly moving away from that). If we stick with it, we will never get married. My FH’s rule is no kids until we’re married, so that means no kids ever (which I already postponed three years ago when we met). My rule is no major purchases (think like car or house) until we’re married, so that will be never too. If she has her way, we will be in limbo until, and I quote, “COVID is just over and every single person is vaccinated”. Which will never happen.
We offered to do a small ceremony (like 10 people total, since people had purchased plane tickets and hotels back when we announced it) and then have a big thing later, but she would rather we just didn’t get married at all.
It’s come to a point that it feels like our getting married will cause a rift, regardless, because her requirements will never be met. I’m trying to meet her in the middle (hence some our vetoed suggestions like doing it drive in style where no one will leave their cars, or the small ceremony and a big one later, or having it live streamed and only having the families and wedding party actually at the venue).
Quarantining before and after is not feasible for my FH because of his job and is not feasible for me because of my already fragile mental health.
She can’t have it her way in this situation because it’s not only impractical, it’s impossible. I’ve had horrific reactions to vaccines so, per my doctor, I should wait until there is more information to get it. How long will that be? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? Before my doctor recommends it. Am I just supposed to put my whole life on hold for another unknown amount of time to satisfy someone who is not one of the two parties in this relationship? This day marks the end of the hold that my life has been on for three years waiting because I love her son. And I’m supposed to keep holding it because we can’t have her perfect wedding?
I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just in a really bad place and he doesn’t want to tell her any of this because she thinks she’s smarter than everyone and thinks there will always be a later, but this is my later and it won’t always be waiting for another later.

Remember, you guys are a team. Make the best decision for yourself, and what makes you two happy. Set boundaries with MIL too. Have the perfect wedding that you guys want, whether it's 10 people or 100. If she comes that's great, if not it'll be okay.

View Quoted Comment He really likes his mom and wants her approval, that’s what makes this so hard. She’s one of those “terrified to go out on her patio” right now types and I’m just not, so it puts FH in a bad place, you know?

View Quoted Comment Oh I know. My MIL is like that. Our wedding was 5/16/20 & her n FIL didn't show. We still got married. We were on the same page though, we didn't want to postpone. Unfortunately, realistically you guys aren't always going to get her approval 100% of the time.

View Quoted Comment I know that. My mom said to “pick the hill you wanna die on” and for me, this is it. Getting married that day one way or another. For him it was too, but now he seems like he’s rethinking it and trying to convince himself.

View Quoted Comment I like what your mom said! Sit down and talk with FH. because if you're both not on the same page, it'll continue to have you frustrated

View Quoted Comment I’ve tried to, but I think he’s burned out on it. I figured I might give it a few days. I was hoping to get some ideas how to deal on here, hence the long winded question.

It is definitely not up to your future mother-in-law when you get married or have children unless she is paying for the wedding. If that's the case, I would politely decline and pay for the wedding yourself. If your state is allowing 100 people and your guests are comfortable attending and that's what you and your fiancé want then go for it. I can tell you from personal experience that my mother-in-law tried telling my husband and I we couldn't try for a baby for a whole month because she had plans nine months from that period of time. Needless to say, we still kept trying because it wasn't her decision. I didn't pregnant then, but her plans ended up being cancelled because of Covid anyways. Also like you said, there is no way everyone is going to get vaccinated. I'm currently pregnant and plan on breastfeeding after our daughter is born and it isn't recommended that I get the vaccine. I've also seen some things that suggest it could cause fertility issues (not sure how true this is), but we plan on having more children so my husband isn't really comfortable getting the vaccine either because if it is true we don't want to risk not having more children.

I think the bigger issue you need to address here is you and your FH being on the same page, making a decision together and sticking to it. If he just folds because his mom says something, that’s going to spell disaster for your marriage. Start setting boundaries now. It’s possible you’ll need to attend some couples counseling to nail down how to set boundaries with those outside of your relationship.

That’s a lot to unpack. Ultimately, you need to come to a mutually agreed upon plan with your fiancé- this is his wedding too. And if you’re marrying this man, then this is just the first of many, many issues you will face as a couple; and you need to start learning how to work as a supportive team now. Compromise is something that will be a daily part of your life with your spouse. Start now- find a compromise with him. If I were in your situation, I would set a date in mid-late 2022 when it’s much more likely the pandemic will not be the mess that it is now. And make it known that is your date- you will be getting married on that date, even if it means downsizing, eloping, going to the courthouse, etc. That gives FMIL a tangible date to come to terms with, and shows that you are compassionate and willing to compromise.

Have you thought about getting married legally that day and postponing the bigger celebration so that everyone can attend? Including your family? At the end of the day its about what your fiance and you would like to do. Don't let his mother dictate your lives.

View Quoted Comment Hi! I saw your post about the vaccine and fertility issues and thought you may be interested in this.


https://www.asrm.org/globalassets/asrm/asrm-content/news-and-publications/covid-19/covidtaskforceupdate11.pdf

Hopefully it puts your mind at ease

View Quoted Comment Interesting. I've read so many things where doctors aren't recommending pregnant or breastfeeding to get the vaccine yet this says it's fine. I'm still not sure I'm 100% sure I'm comfortable getting such a new vaccine while pregnant. I understand what the article says, but I feel there simply isn't enough research for me to be comfortable with it at this point. I've also talked to my sister and my husband's best friend about it since they are both currently pregnant and both nurses and neither of them are comfortable getting it either.

View Quoted Comment It looks like they are recommending pregnant women get vaccinated, but not necessarily those who are actively breast feeding; as studies haven’t been done on breast feeding women, just pregnant women. I don’t think I would chance it if I were breast feeding either.

View Quoted Comment That's definitely our plan unless for some reason our daughter can't. I hadn't seen anything or heard anything that showed pregnant women had been part of a study for the vaccine, but maybe I missed seeing it. Either way I'm due in less than 4 months so give our plans I will wait.

View Quoted Comment I did give you an idea. Be on the same page. If not, then MIL will always be in control and your FH will always want her approval. It would bother me if my hubby wanted his moms approval and it was impacting our potential wedding date. Make a choice with FH, Either have the wedding you want and pay for it the way you want or do it her way, which sounds like you'll be miserable. Regardless, good luck !

If I'm not accepting any money from her then I would simply ignore her and carry on. I probably wouldn't invite 100 people. I eould downsize it as much as I could.

View Quoted Comment That is what our 2021 date was until she started freaking out a few weeks ago.

View Quoted Comment That’s an idea we suggested but she vetoed it because it’s not what she wants and/or would do.