Covid-19 and the future mil

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It's not her getting married, do what is best for your fiancé and yourself. & your fiancé needs to stand up to her. I had this problem with my husband and his dad at one point, now that my husband stands up for himself we no longer have those problems.

View Quoted Comment We invited that many because we know a LOT of them cannot make it (we’re talking about 40 people who are invited, but positively won’t be there because inviting them was ultimately a formality. We also invited a lot of large family units, so we’re talking having to choose between uninviting certain kids from families or uninviting people like my bridesmaids and my closest family so they don’t have additional bodies. We originally told people no kids, but with the situation, they have no babysitters. One household alone that we’ve invited is 10 people, while another is 11. We literally have three single people and one couple invited that don’t have any additional family members to account for and that’s it we know this because we looked at disinvites). People have also already started declining invites that were not in those 40, which we expected. As of this morning there’s about a total of 40 people expected to attend (including the wedding party because some people don’t), most of which are part of my bridesmaids’ (I only have 2) households and things like my parents (my dad has a condition where he forms aneurysms and could pretty much drop dead unexpectedly at anytime), his mom, my grandparents (who’ve already purchased tickets in June), my aunt and uncle and their kids (who bought plane tickets and a hotel in June), and others who made accommodations early. This is why we discussed doing a smaller ceremony then something bigger when things are better, but she’s not okay with that either. If she had her way and we met all her somewhat reasonable requests, we’d be getting married and trying to have children in our late 40s and neither of us are okay with that.


Also our venue is about 2 acres and it’s outdoors which would give every single person invited about the space for a large bedroom. We’ve also made accommodations (much to her displeasure) so that if someone is not comfortable or has additional concerns they will not have to even get out of their car. We’re in the process of getting an FM transmitter with mic so they can tune in and here us from the safety of their cars. We’ve also come up with a plan involving this if things get too bad and we’ll just quickly move through all the things (ceremony, introduction, first dance, daddy-daughter and mother-son dances, cutting the cake (we’re doing desserts that are packaged so we can make up bento boxes of sweets to give everyone if we’re doing this) and our exit for the evening) so that people aren’t too miserable in their cars. But she doesn’t like this plan because it’s not how she wants things, which is why it’s starting to feel like she just doesn’t want me to marry her son. I mean, why else do you put standards like “COVID is gone” and “every one is vaccinated”? Why do you give standards like a bachelors degree and an established career (I already have an established career in clockmaking, which I love, she just doesn’t like that I work for my dad)? My FH and I had a long conversation about these kinds of things and that’s why we were originally both fine with full steam ahead and now he’s starting to worry about her.

Okay, this is all kinds of no.

I'm going to be blunt here - your problem is your FH, who appears to be more interested in pleasing his mom than either you or himself. That doesn't work in a marriage. It won't stop when you get married, it will continue until and unless your FH puts a stop to it. I used to be in a serious relationship with a guy like this, and put up with all kinds of ridiculousness with his mom until I nope'd out of that.

Get that sorted out, if you can, before making any kind of wedding plans. Once you do, your MIL won't be able to "veto" anything, because she won't have the power to do so, because it's not her wedding. If she's objecting even to a courthouse affair, it sounds like she doesn't want her son getting married. From your description of her...color me surprised.

View Quoted Comment I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that. I tried to discuss it with him (the not wanted her son to get married part) and he basically said she’ll just have to get used to it, which I thought was a good sign until she has continued to voice what she calls “concerns” and I call “demands” so much so that he’s trying to come up with ways to justify and get her on board, but it keeps coming back to the whole “being more educated” thing. I jokingly said that I’d have my friend call her and talk to her (my friend has a doctorate and several master’s degrees and has pretty much the exact opposite views), but I know that the joke bothered him a little because he hates that he’s trying to convince her it’s ok.


There’s just a lot to the situation and she refuses to look past what she feels affects her. She looks down on anyone who has opposing views (almost always coming back to the education thing) and my FH is only now starting to see how bad it is. Things that I realized we would have to fight her on from the beginning he’s just now finding out. I know it’s hard for him, which is why I was asking advice to see maybe how I should approach just the wedding part of the situation.

I agree with pps that the primary issue seems to be in your and FH's relationship and communication. Until you fix that, nothing else really matters. It sounds like you might benefit greatly from some couples counseling. It could help you both with your communication and allow you to figure out jointly what you want and your priorities. Once that's figured out, the counselor can help with strategies to manage his mother and establish boundaries. In reading through your various responses, there is a lot of "I've already given up...." "I've put off children for three years...." etc. If all that is true, personally, I'd think long and hard about whether this is truly the right relationship for you. Happy, healthy couples typically have joint goals and plans.... Good luck!

I can honestly say that if you don't have a discussion with your fiance and have it stop NOW then you will continue to deal with her running your lives. Its not going to change.

View Quoted Comment We met while I was getting ready to get pregnant via a sperm donor. I fell in love so I was ok with waiting until he’s ready. And right up until a few weeks ago, we’d finally gotten on the same page about all of our goals. Then she started just tearing into us about everything. Giving up goals and dreams on a temporary basis for him is one thing and I can live with it. He’s made compromises too, like living farther away from work than he wanted so I can be close to my dad if he needs anything and adopting a puppy earlier than he wanted. It’s just that now it seems like there’s a question of giving up these dreams and goals even longer for his mother, not him, and I told him that it was a line I’d already drawn.


He was ready to start trying to have kids in August because he was sick of all the suspense about COVID and not being totally sure we’d be able to do it on the day we chose (which was a huge change from all of his “we have to be married” rhetoric, much of which I’m realizing was his mother’s), but I’d already bought my wedding dress and it’s my dream dress. So we decided to stick with the “after we’re married” that he originally wanted. It was all mutually decided until MIL-elect started in and he went all rogue. He bounces between “eff her, we’re gonna do it” and “maybe if we tell her (insert thing here), she’ll be okay with it”. He’s been a little wishy-washy since we got together, but he’s finally gotten to where he’s decisive until she started in so hard on how we need to meet her standards before continuing our Iives.
It’s the kind of thing that I’ve been blindsided with in just the two-three weeks. Our wedding is March 6, so there’s not a lot of time for cancelling and rescheduling things for my family who are from another state and had purchased/planned trips/took time off work long before the last 30 days. She’s also took it upon herself to ask her friends for resolutions to all of the reasons why we don’t want to put off getting married and it’s put my FH in a really hard place. But I’m marrying him, not his mom so I know we need to sit back down and have a conversation about what we want and need and how it may have changed in the last few weeks for him (for me it’s still the same things it’s been for the last 3 years). I know we need to get back on the same page so that we, at least, have a United front, but I couldn’t really do that at 4 am while he was sleeping and I can’t do it while he’s working today. Perhaps while he’s off we can sit down and put a plan in place for not just our future, but also how to address some of her objections.

I understand where your MIL is coming from, but it seems like you and your fiancé have put in some serious thought about following regulations and putting in rules to keep everyone safe. I understand you want her to be there and you want her to be happy, but she seems like a my way or the highway type person, so you need to chose. I personally would not wait. She’s causing you two to be miserable trying to reason with her, without considering maybe you both just want to get married and coming together to compromise.. so in my opinion, If you want her there for the actual ceremony, maybe offering to do something very small like parents/ siblings only or just parents for the ceremony and then do your reception drive in style. If she is that uncomfortable then she doesn’t have to go and she will still get to be there for her sons marriage. Or do the small ceremony and wait for the reception part until Covid is not a huge risk and do a vow renewal or something later down the road.
But it just seems to me she is stressing you and your fiancé out and if you have plans for after you’re married that it’s upsetting to wait for then don’t wait. Talk w your fiancé and come up with 2-3 options that you are both comfortable with and lay them out for her and put your foot down. I say this from experience bc we didn’t do it soon enough with my MIL and I honestly regret it. And just tell her, we want to get married and have waited long enough, these are the options, we’d love to see which one you think is best but at the end of the day one of these options is happening on this date. Best of luck to you both!