COVID Brides: Downsizing Postponed Wedding?

To clarify, we want to downsize our wedding for reasons that are not related to COVID, and are not sure if this is acceptable etiquette.

Hi Lisa. This is a tough one. As a guest, I’d be disappointed not to be invited to the rescheduled date. Don’t think there’s a way to do that without hurting feelings.

View Quoted Comment Hi Shannon - thank you for your reply! I totally see the perspective of guests, and agree that there isn't really a good way to do this, which is why we're having a difficult time figuring out what to do here. We certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so we may end up just having to keep our original guest list, but was curious if anyone else was able to downsize without offending anyone. I appreciate your response!

There's always a chance that someone will be hurt. I think the only way to do this would be to go from your original guest list to immediate family or something like that. Generally all guests, once invited, should be treated the same. There's no way to rescind an invitation without seeming rude.

After postponing twice, and having all this time to rethink our wedding, we have also decided to massively downsize our guest list. Luckily, we hadn’t sent out save the dates yet; but all our friends and family were aware of our plans and I’m sure are expecting an invite to our rescheduled event. We have been trying to figure out how to handle letting our friends and family know that we have decided to have a much more intimate event. We are contemplating letting people know word of mouth, sending out a group text to our families, and posting an announcement on social media (since all of our “would have been” guests are on social). Since you have already sent out STDs, you may want to add a mailed “change of plans” card. We are just stating something to the effect of: in light of events during the past two years and being forced to reschedule multiple times, coupled with the uncertainty of ongoing limitations due to the Covid situation, we have decided to move forward with caution with only parents, siblings and wedding party; so as to (hopefully) prevent further postponements or last-minute necessity to cut our guest list. We are disappointed we cannot share our day with everyone we love, but feel this is the best way for us to move forward with our nuptials. Although your presence will be missed, we have arranged to live stream the ceremony for anyone who would like to join us virtually from home!

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply! That totally makes sense. We figured that downsizing might not be possible without hurting feelings, but wanted to ask just in case. Not sure if we would downsize to just family and wedding party or not (haven't discussed that option with my fiance yet), but if we were to downsize to just family and wedding party, how would you recommend that we inform the rest of the guests from the original guest list?

So the standard rule of thought here, is that if you canceled your previous event and created a new one, you can have an entirely new guest list. However a "change of plans" note sent to previous guests could sound more like a postponement to some, and makes the etiquette here murky. I think the wording of your announcement is key. If you made it sound likes guests would likely be included in your future change of plans with phrases like "we can't wait to celebrate with you in the future" then there is no way to invite some of your original guests and not others without hurting feelings, and not including some of your original guests with no further follow up would be the equivalent to "ghosting".

I do think the fact that you didn't announce new plans and a new date right away certainly helps. Depending on how your "change of plans" announcement was worded, it might be more clear to guests that everything about your original plan is up in the air, especially if you were careful not to lead your guests on into thinking they'd be included in your future plans, in which case I think its fair to consider this a new event entirely, and a new guest list would be appropriate. Additionally, if other aspects of your event have changed drastically (new venue, for example) then it becomes more clear that your vision has drastically shifted and this isn't a postponement of your original wedding, but rather a new event entirely.

Its very possible some guests will be more hurt by not being included and not being clearly told that plans have changed than they would be if you just made it clear that you've opted to downsize (for whatever reasons). Hopefully most of the 50 people who aren't included in your new guest list would be rational and understand that a lot changes in two years (your priorities may have shifted with the pandemic, your relationships have probably evolved as well, you may be in a different financial situation, etc). I tend to be pretty pragmatic and think I would understand not being included in a wedding that has been postponed 2+ years, but would probably hold a small grudge if I was led on to think I would be a part of their postponed event and then just "dismissed" by the couple and they never addressed the change with me in an appropriate manner.

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Hi again! I would suggest a card saying something like "the wedding of x and y will not take place as planned. they will exchange vows in a private ceremony". Then make sure the ceremony is truly as private as you can get it. Ideally from your original 130 to like 10% of that.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply! Awesome that you hadn't sent out Save The Dates before deciding to downsize. I totally understand rethinking wedding plans in the time between the original date and the new date. That is exactly where we ended up, but we unfortunately had sent Save The Dates and invitations for our original date before postponing. The wording that you came up with sounds perfect for your situation! Do you think sending a Change In Plans card in my case with somewhat similar wording (and with something along the lines of "drastically downsize" instead of specifying "only parents, siblings, and wedding party") would be courteous enough? Or would it truly be in best interest to just stick with the original list?

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply! Here is the Change Of Plans card that we sent out. We never said, "We can't wait to celebrate with you in the future", but we did say to watch our website (which hasn't been updated since).


Our venue hasn't changed. Most of the guests that we were planning on removing from the guest list are friends of parents who we don't know or talk to, and acquaintances that we have not interacted with in the last year and a half, or people that we simply are not close to. If we find a way to politely downsize our wedding, we would certainly let everyone know, and not just ghost people! I'm just not sure how to go about informing people that we are downsizing (or if there's even a polite way to downsize).

View Quoted Comment I think the decision to “drastically downsize” is perfectly acceptable, especially after the challenging past 2 years. And I couldn’t imagine loved ones being hostile or bitter about it; surely those closest to us would be understanding.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your feedback! Much appreciated!!

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I do think the wording is a bit gray (with "postponed" instead of "canceled") but it sounds very reasonable to cut the people you have mentioned. We always wanted a smaller wedding so I've never understood the "parents of friends" or "acquaintance" invites anyway. Like if I was invited to a wedding of people I knew sort of on the fringes of a friend group and then they postponed for two years and during that time nothing about our relationship grew stronger (and possibly the opposite, seeing them less frequently with fewer social events and such) I don't think I would be offended at all if I wasn't included in their rescheduled plans. You are talking about a 2+ year delay, not six months.

To me it doesn't sound like the relationships with those people are so precious that it would be a huge loss if they did get offended and it negatively affected those relationships further. No longer speaking with a person you hardly speak with anyone isn't a huge loss.

If your website hasn't be updated yet, you can always put an announcement on it with a message like "Due to the drastic delay in plans, we have opted for a smaller, more intimate wedding. Thank you all for your support during this time." That way if any previously invited people do check your website there is a clear message there, but you don't have to go out of your way to reach out individually and explain they are no longer invited. Your last communication clearly directs previous invitees to a place to get more information, and if the necessary information is there then I think that is sufficient.

Then just send new STDs and information to those who are included in your new plans.

You can update the rest of your website with information for your new event (as long as that announcement is front and center on your homepage) or you can create a new website entirely for your new event and only direct round two guests there, to avoid round one guests poking around and maybe feeling jealous. If you go with a new website, original guests will follow the instructions in your last communication to them and reach a "dead end" with clear information, and your new guests can be directed to a new place with updated information relevant to your new event. You may not want to go through creating a new website (especially if you paid for the first one), but it might make things a bit clearer to guests if you are worried some of the 50 people now excluded just won't "get it."

View Quoted Comment That makes sense. Thank you for your help! Much appreciated!!

View Quoted Comment I just realized I never responded to you (though I did read your message earlier) - sorry for my delay!! This is super helpful, thank you for your reply! I really like the idea of creating a new website and leaving the old website with a "dead end" for those who we aren't inviting to our new date. Though, my suspicion is that none of those who we are uninviting will check our website anyway, so I might just include the note from and center on the website like you suggested, but still use the same site.