Dad & Girlfriend Drama

So much that he told me I couldn't come over to their house today. I was supposed to pick up something from their house & he told me I couldn’t come pick it up- not even come in the house, just the driveway wasn’t allowed.

Truthfully, I’m a little hurt. My dad and I have never been close, but it just makes me sad that my own father would tell me not to come to his house because his girlfriend is upset with me. She’s been his girlfriend for 2 years...he’s been my dad for my whole life. I guess I’m just upset because I’m definitely not feeling that “unconditional fatherly love” that he’s supposed to have for me…

I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make everyone in this blended awkward family dynamic comfortable. I don’t want to disrespect my stepmother, but I don’t want to hurt his girlfriend’s feelings because interpersonally, affair aside, she’s nice and I get along with her. I’ve always gone out of my way to be polite and friendly towards her. I don’t know what to do here! Do I apologize profusely and invite the girlfriend, or am I right in thinking it’d be disrespectful to my stepmom, who has always been a huge part of my life, to have the woman that played an equal part in breaking up her marriage at my shower?

As the divorced parent of a child, I would never expect my child to make decisions like this about who should be invited out of "respect" for me. It's sweet, but it's not up to my son to protect me.

Does your stepmother care if she's there or not?

I think you did what was best to avoid any drama on occasion that are suppose to be about you. Just explain that people in your life decided to have a separate shower because they were unable to attend the main one. If she can understand that than shame on her.

SN sorry about your dad. I understand understand your pain.

@Janeen, I think she'd be uncomfortable. The affair went on for a while and caused a pretty upsetting fallout. They're both coming to the wedding, and my stepmom knows/is prepared for that. I just figured it'd be better to invite the girlfriend to the shower with my dad's sisters/family and my stepmom to the one with my mom's family because it's a smaller scenario and so they'd be more likely to have to interact than at the actual wedding.

Aha I see. I get it. It sounds like your dad wants to force her acceptance here and that's a shame.

I think your a sweetheart and did what you thought was right. That being said stop trying they are adults they can act civil sure some will be uncomfortable but let it go there is nothing that can be done and you honestly can't satisfy everyone... Your dad gf saw it most likely as she was not invited because stepmom was there and just felt left out ... If you like call and explain that you did not want to make her uncomfortable in anyway. Now next time just invite both you won't have this oh she was invited but I was t nonsense... Again they are adults and can act like it point blank.... My FH grandmother ex husband cheated on her many yrs ago with the wife he has now they hang out together they even get along... My mom and her BF ex wife talk to each other they get along its civil. It's pretty funny I have seen a lot of ex get along and even hang out together just act like an adult and things will be ok.

You have nothing to apologize for. Without disrespecting your dad, I have to say that you did the right thing, your dad is being irrational and mean to you. The wedding is one thing but the showers could definitely be separate. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, stay strong and hopefully your dad and his gf will come around and see they're in the wrong.

Your dad girlfriend should get over her self you are doing your best in trying to please everyone ! Not only that but you agreed to do two showers out of respect for your step mom ..don't feel bad you have nothing to be sorry about!

Update: my dad is still furious and texted me last night telling me I'm a horrible person, not a good Christian (my dad is not at all religious and loves to make fun of our faith and use it against us in situations like this), and not ready to get married (says the man with 2 failed marriages because of his poor choices). He's pulling out paying for our wedding. Luckily, we have backup plans, but it's just making me feel horrible. It's not even about the money for me, it's the fact that he's siding with his girlfriend without even hearing me out/hearing my side. I sent a long email to them explaining the situation, apologizing for hurt feelings, and trying to explain how I feel. He texted me and said "I didn't read your whole email. Your words mean nothing to me" and then proceeded to say the above things.

Wow. Your father is acting like a stupid child. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I completely understand why you did what you did, regardless of if it was right or wrong, and although I can understand why her feelings may have been hurt, they have the ability to GET OVER IT (just as you also have the ability to invite her and let adults be adults etc). I think his words and the disregarding of your apology is unnecessarily hurtful. I'm glad you have a back up plan for the money. Good luck with everything, and again I'm sorry.

I would have done exactly what you did. It's a shame adults can't act like adults. No offense but your dad is acting like a big baby. Just realize that no matter what you do you will never make everyone happy. You do what you feel is right. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that during this special time in your life.

So my first question is - are you hosting/planning the shower? You should not be planning or hosting your own shower. If you're not the host then the invite list really isn't up to you (to an extent). But it seems like you're planning the first shower.

If you were in charge of the shower then some of this could be explained as a decision made by the people throwing your shower. As it stands, I'd call the gf and explain.

You definitely don't want his money anyway. Money that comes with strings is not worth it. I'm sorry.

Invite them both. If they love you either they'll learn to coexist for your sake or they won't and that's their faults for not being able to act like civilized adults. You don't have to compromise one or the other.

Wow! He'd be uninvited from the wedding if that were my father. I wouldn't give a crap about etiquette in that situation.

Wow your dad is so rude! Glad you have a back up plan. Seems like you tried to please everyone and that was very sweet of you but its obvious they don't see that and are being selfish!

Wow, OP... I'm so sorry. Personally I think you did the right thing.

Stay strong in this. How dare a father choose a mistress over his own daughter.

I think what you did was right, all I'd say was you didn't feel it was appropriate to have your father's GF at your mother's shower, and it would have been better to have her at the shower that your dad's side is throwing anyway.

I'm not close with my dad either, though I've tried. You're very generous to invite your dad's GF to the wedding, let alone a shower. Not your problem for they want to be petty.... ETA, read your update after I posted. He would be uninvited to the wedding. My cousins dad did something similar, he still let him go to the wedding and he made the groom (my cousin) miserable.

@Jen not hosting my shower, my aunt is! She just asked me for the addresses. My dad just asked me because he doesn't speak to my moms side of the family (except my mom when he has to)

My dad says he's calling me today to "discuss" everything. I'm not even sure what to expect.

I hope by "discuss" he means he's going to be apologizing. If not I would tell him that if he feels this strongly about his mistress not being invited to one of the two showers than you will go ahead and mark his rsvp a decline. You don't need that stress in your life, and he certainly needs to learn to act like an adult, not like a teenage boy whose girlfriend has his balls on a hot poker.

I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us updated.