Long post: please skip if you wish, stay and read if you wish.
Hi everybody. I haven't been here in a while. I guess I'm just seeking some support. On May 31st, my mom took my dad into the ER with a terrible stomach ache. He had this belly ache for some time, weeks or months, and never said anything until he just couldn't handle it anymore. I think he decided to get it checked as my little brother's wedding was out of town the next day and he didn't want to be uncomfortable at the event. Anyway, my dad called me around 12:30am on his way home from the ER and said the doctor suspects colon cancer that has affected the liver. The next day we attended my brother's wedding and never spoke a word about it. He shared the news with close family on Sunday.
(Background health: he had a deadly bout with ulcerative colitis when I was 4, so 30 years ago. It almost killed him, but he pulled through and has been the picture of health as long as I can remember. However, he never had the annual or 5 year check ups as he's just the type to not go to the doctor until something is wrong and he actually needs help or relief.)
A quick rundown from the last 21 days...the following week it was confirmed 4th stage colon cancer via colonoscopy, a PETscan was done on Monday the 17th showing even more spots of cancer in his belly area, liver and colon, and this last Wednesday, the 19th, he had his first round of chemotherapy. The morning after chemo, my parents called to chit chat about something or another and dad sounded like he was feeling better, able to eat a little breakfast, etc.
I'm angry. I'm angry because he has eaten the rainbow everyday, doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, and is the type to choose salmon over steak, and still gets slapped in the face with this. He has 6 kids and 3 of them leach off of him and show no respect. NOW they are sad and I'm angry that they feel they can cry over this situation and try to tell me how to spend my time with him and what I should be doing for him. I HAVE been there, but where have they been?? One is an alcoholic who hides out all the time, another is a drug addict who is down right mean to him, and the other is a narcissist who recently told my father that he doesn't want him at his house anymore, before all of this, of course. My mom said that broke my dad's heart. There's a lot of backstory to all of these that not enough time will allow. I'm angry because he's waited his whole life to retire and now he has been forced to take FMLA to be home and be sick and possibly die. He's 65 years old and has worked his a** off for our family and others his whole life and this is how life is taking him out. I am getting married October 26 this year and have ALWAYS looked forward to having a wedding so my dad can walk me down the aisle. Wedding aside, what if he's not able to even walk by then? I don't care about the wedding, honestly. I would move it up to tomorrow and get married in their living room if I had to.
I have never wanted kids of my own. I'm not sure it's in my DNA. I love kids, but in small doses. My dad has always said "never say never" and talked of the benefits of having children, and I have always pushed back. If I knew how much time he had, I would most definitely have one right now. Just to see him smile.
I would most definitely call myself a daddy's girl and say it LOUD and PROUD. What kid doesn't want to feel like they have made their parents happy? I think I live for that feeling from my parents, especially my dad. With some of my siblings being crappy their entire lives, I have always tried to do the right thing just to see my parents smile from time to time. I hope I have done that at least once in my life. It's too early to tell how things will go, but I feel like, what's the purpose of anything anymore if I can't have my dad there to nod his head in approval. I love my dad. ALWAYS have. Of course there were the nasty teen years, but eventually you learn that your parents are not your enemy, but your greatest friends you never realized were ALWAYS there no matter what. Why does it take us so long to realize this? They have been and will always be my best friends and greatest cheerleaders.
Looking back on heartbreaks, his advice was "follow your head, not your heart". When I had a terrible acne breakout as a teenager, his advice was "just roll with it". He just made things feel better. Still to this day, when I get a pimple, I think to myself "just roll with it". lol. Periodically, in the terrible teen years when I would lock myself away in my room, he would casually come into my room and sit on the edge of the bed and create chit chat to see if anything was wrong. I just stayed in my bedroom of course. I should have joined my folks for a movie or just gone upstairs to hang with them.
He has been told that there will be no surgery, no cure, it's terminal and that chemo is only buying him months to live. Months on top of what? 6 months? a year? 5 years? My mom was told that if chemo does it's job and the cancer shrinks, he could be sent to Mayo Clinic to have part of his liver removed as they won't do it here. This is the only hope I am holding onto right now. Regardless, he is still dying.
What do I do? How do I continue with life?
Make no mistake, I'm not thinking of the unthinkable action, I'm just so full of sorrow and sadness and can't picture life any other way than the way it's been for 34 years.
