Dad's gf

Honestly I think both dad and grandma need to grow up. They don’t have to like each other and they don’t have to ever have further contact. But if you choose to invite both of them to your wedding, then they should at least be civil. If not, have security remove whomever is causing a scene. But security may be required by the venue anyway.


Since you said that you let dad dropped all support of you during mom’s illness, let him be a guest without any honors. That includes him walking you down the aisle. That isn’t a role of someone who doesn’t support you. I would be hesitant to invite him at all if there is no close relationship. Yes he’s your father but he hasn’t been a dad to you lately and there is a huge difference.
The girlfriend is a significant other whether anyone likes it or not and it’s disrespectful and impolite to not invite a significant other unless they are abusive/violent/criminal. Everyone says you won’t have more than a couple minutes maximum with individual guests anyway so it’s likely you won’t notice her and they don’t need to sit together.
Only invite those you can’t imagine the day without and skip the rest. You should be happy and relaxed on your wedding day instead of playing mediator. Also, inviting engaged/married couples only doesn’t work for many couples because it excludes any singles or cohabiting couples who don’t plan to get married who are all special to the couple regardless of marital status.

That...is quite a lot. I am so sorry you have to deal with the drama.

I don't suggest excluding anyone if they are single or not in a serious relationship because not everyone is at that stage in life, and sometimes singles can interact with other singles, or bring friends as their "plus one" and it can be an enjoyable experience.

I would maybe have a conversation with your Grandma, and acknowledge her feelings and wanting to respect your mom. Tell Grandma that you wouldn't want her to have her heart broken a second time when it comes to her grandchild, and you see it as her wanting to be protective of you even though she hasn't voiced it as such because you are an extension of your mom. Ask her to maybe walk you down the aisle, and help create a memorial table for the reception, or an "in memoriam" aspect to your bouquet like adding your mom's picture. Having your Grandma feel more involved in the planning (this can include dress shopping, invitation details, etc.) may assuage hard feelings than if she is only helping to pay.

Also talk to your grandma that while you don't like that your dad just went "poof" during your upbringing, you want to have a more civil relationship with your Dad moving forward even if it is minimal. You could state reasons like:

"I have prayed about it"

"It doesn't sit right in my heart in spite of _____. I agree that he shouldn't (insert wedding activity here) and I want you to have the honor of (insert wedding activity here)."

"I have only met (Dad's significant other), and she has not been disrespectful to me. As far as I am concerned, she has not been in the picture until after Mom's passing, and I don't want her to feel unnecessary tension that she did not cause and wasn't here for. As a woman, that just doesn't seem fair. Only time can show her who my father really is, or if we are able to sit down and have a talk about it in due time. I want that opportunity, but if she feels attacked, she is automatically going to defend him".

I hope this helps. I have a few difficult scenarios with family and invitees coming up, and I don't blame you in the least.

Elly's given you a lot of great advice for starting conversations with your grandma. I agree that this is a situation you need to handle, not your fiance, as it's your family. One thing that everyone needs to remember, is there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline for moving forward in life, so excluding your dads new girlfriend just because it hurts your grandma that he moved on, isn't okay. You can have the girlfriend/dad seated somewhere else during the ceremony. You can have a pic of your mom on a chair at the front as a "reserved" seat memorial and maybe carry a flower with your bouquet that you place on the chair when you reach the end of the aisle.

Your Grandmother needs to get over it the fact that your Dad is seeing someone. She can't expect your Dad to stay alone indefinitely. However, if she's paying for the wedding she does hold the cards, so as to speak. Those that pay have the say. If she's not, then let her now that Dad's girlfriend will be invited. End of story. If you want to call the shots, you'll have to decline her money.

Etiquette says that your Dad's girlfriend should be invited.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom.