Daughter invited ex stepmom to dw

I think it’s her wedding and if she wants to have her there, she should and you shouldn’t make her feel bad about it.

Based on the timeline you described, it sounds like this woman was in your daughter's life for most of her life and as a result, your daughter most likely sees her as another mother. Whatever bad will you and your ex have should not be visited on your children.

However, if you want to put your foot down on this and withdraw your funding, that is within your right. Most couples pay for their own weddings now anyway. Just be prepared for a fallout to occur between you and your daughter.

I agree with both posts before mine. It sounds like her stepmom is an important part of her life. You have the right to tell her no, or make her pay, or even tell her-it's me or her, but there could be backlash. It's her big day and she wants people that she loves to be apart of it

She should be allowed to pick her guest, just talk to her about seating arrangements. You don't have to even speak to the ex step mom you could enjoy the night without even acknowledging her.
You are within your rights to back out of paying for the wedding, but, I will be completely honest, it would sting if my mother retracted her offer to help, over someone who I want for my wedding. I would feel guilty, and ashamed to hurt my mother to that point. Don't tell her it's because of one person coming to the wedding, because that will create the ultimatum.
If you do decide to back out of helping pay at least still be there to help her plan, she's still going to want your opinions and you'll always be her mom. This is something you need to think about alone though, we can not give you the answers it's too hard.

As a bride with parents helping me pay I give you my point of view.

As a mom whose afraid of the trouble it may cause I can see your view.

Also as a mom though I'd set my own wishes aside and let them decide what makes them happy.

Who knows you may end up talking to the ex and find someone changed and make a new friend in a once enemy.

Despite your feelings toward her, she has been a large part of your daughters life. I think you're wrong to be upset about this. And I think you need to suck it up for your daughter's sake.

If you want to pull your funding, you have that right, but it's childish and manipulative. I think your current husband is out of line and needs to take a step back. Both of you are acting selfishly and not as loving parents who have your daughter's best interests at heart. I have a similar scenario. My dad cheated on my mom with my now ex stepmom. He left my mom for her when I was 7. This was during the Gulf War. He was a flight engineer in the air force and she was a flight nurse. They had to boys and are now divorced. My mom is very bitter and after 30 years it gets old. If it bothers you still so much go to counseling. My ex stepmom has said how much her and her family would live to come to the wedding. My brothers will be there. I know if I invite her and her family my mom be upset. I'm not as close with her so I'm not sure what I'll do yet, but I get where your daughter is coming from. Her ex stepsister probably just feels like a sister because they grew up together. Divorce impacts kids differently than it does adults. There isn't the same sort of resentment and hurt. Just because a mother figure who had equal footing for all those years stops legally playing the same part doesn't mean the feelings go away, especially when it was her dad who stepped out. And the part about the DW? It's a resort right? Usually, there's a pool and s beach. Or multiple restaurants. Excursions. You don't have to get mani/pedis with the woman. There will be plenty of opportunities to keep your distance. You should def talk with your daughter, explain that you are less than thrilled, but that you support her. Then, ask her to help you minimize interactions with her. Ask her to see if the hotel can book you on different floors, for example. You won't be able to change the situation without causing real damage to your relationship with your daughter, but changing your perspective is free. And don't forget about that counseling if you're having a difficult time getting there on your own.

I would want the other women at the wedding... Afterall, my name would be on the program as the "Mother of the Bride", I would walk down the aisle as a part of the wedding party, I would have an honored seat at the ceremony and reception. They will get to watch you be honored. They are only guests like the rest of the crowd.

As long as your daughter plans to honor you above the rest, as is right, why be mad? I can understand not wanting the woman who cheated with your husband there, but God took care of her for you already. What comes around goes around.

"The best revenge is living well." Go show them all how well your life turned out after you dumped the cheater and found a real husband. Get an amazing dress, have your hair and makeup done, and walk proudly down the aisle. You are the Mother of the Bride. No one will care who they are.

Being a bride and having a strained relationship between my parents... they are both offering to help but they want to help their way. Example both of them want to buy my wedding dress, neither of them want to speak to each other or work together so ultimately they are putting me in a Position to choose between them and I will lose either way because one of them will be hurt. I am using this example because if you make your daughter choose you will put her in a position where she is now causing someone to feel hurt either way. If it’s at all possible for you to put your feelings aside and really support her on her day that would be my recommendation.

You are within your right to pull your funding, but is your child's happiness really that unimportant to you? This woman has been a part of her life since she was 9 years old. I understand that it could be awkward for you, but this isn't your wedding and it's not about you. You should put your own feelings aside (about something that happened 20 years ago) for your daughter. If you're at your daughter's wedding and focused on your ex-husband's ex-wife, I think there are bigger issues.

Of course she should invite her. My mom will have two ex husbands at the wedding and my dad will have his ex wife and my grandparents will have their exes and new partners. My ex stepdad has been in my life since I was 6 years old and now I’m 29 and I wouldn’t dream of excluding him. If a parent told me I couldn’t invite him, to me that would reflect badly on them, not influence my decision whatsoever. People always tell us adult problems are not the fault of the children, but you’re punishing her for a situation that isn’t her fault. My fiancé’s dad won’t come to our wedding because of his mom and I am devastated. We’re going to try one more time and if he still refuses this is going to really hurt my relationship with my new father in law. I think you should put your daughters wedding day first. No one has to pay for anyone else’s wedding, so if you don’t want to pay, don’t. but this shouldn’t be an angry situation that puts a cloud over her wedding day.

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100% this response.

I mean i know how awkward you could feel in that situation but on the day of you can just try to limit your interactions with her and just focus on your daughter

Honestly, this woman probably has a lot of meaning to your daughter. She played an important roll in her life for 20 years, since she was little. So basically having her as a step mother was all she knew. I am sure her dad & step mom's divorce was hard on her and like she was losing a mother figure. Just because you or her dad have feelings towards / about her, doesn't mean your daughter does. And she doesn't immediately stop loving / caring about this woman because her dad and her split up. I come from a split family, and have a blended family of my own now. My advice: it's been 20 years and you need to let your harbored feelings about this women go. There is no need to hold on to resentment, and there is no reason why y'all cant get along now. Especially for your daughter's sake. Me and my husband have friendships with both of our exes. I'm talking about the type where we hang out together and watch each other's kids. And I think anything less is selfish on parent's parts. Yes your kids are grown now, but when it comes to our parents (whether they are biological or step), we still feel like small children. I know from personal experience. Anyways, I hope you can let this one go, 20 years is long enough. If your ex husband is really as bad as you say, then the best thing you can do is become friends with the ex step mom and really drive your ex husband and wife #3 crazy, lol. This is your daughters wedding, so let her have it the way she wants and with the people she cares about most. Good luck with everything, and I think it is awesome that you and your husband are in the position to pay for your daughter's wedding. A lot of us don't have that, so I am sure she is truly grateful.

You don't have to pay for their wedding. You don't have to happy the other people are there. But this other woman is clearly a major part of your daughters life and I think you should be understanding of that. Besides she likely feels the same about woman #3 as you feel about her, shell probably be too preoccupied with the wedding and trying not be weirded out by the whole thing to be much of a bother.
Also... It's been 20 years it's over due to let go.

View Quoted Comment I know my opinion my not be wanted but maybe you could go dress shopping with your Mom and she pay for that then your Dad can pay for alterations. That way both helped get you the perfect dress your your special day.

It sounds like the ex wife was a large part of your daughters life. She’s been stepmom to her since she was a toddler. I think it would be wrong if you to ask her not to invite her. I do get it from your side tho. That has the potential to be completely awkward. The good news tho, is that you don’t need to speak with/sit with her, and once the wedding is over, there’s no need to vacation with her. You can enjoy your separate activities and what not. Yes, you’re paying for the wedding, but that doesn’t mean you get to act like momzilla either.

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I agree with this. Especially for such an extravagant event, you are going the extra mile funding a DW. What stage of planning are you in? If it's all been loose discussion so far, you will be better off putting your foot down, but if planning is already underway, expect more of a falling out. But at the same time, it does sound like this woman has been in her life a long time. Put yourself in her shoes (as terrible as it may be): She is also a role in your daughters life. Imagine her disappointment to not be invited. I would imagine this is not an option for your daughter, to tell her you won't fund it if she attends is truly to tell her you won't fund her wedding. You will come across as very bitter and not putting your daughter first. Please do not think I do not sympathize: what this woman and your ex husband have done to you is truly terrible. But sometimes in life we have to be the bigger person or face unforeseen consequences: like your daughter pulling away.
Maybe find a compromise so that this does not create a falling out for you and your daughter. I do not think it's a great idea to say "Do it my way or I will pull funding", especially right off the bat. While it's within your right, it causes so much tension. Especially with guest list issues. A compromise might be "This is how much it costs per guest to attend. I'm sorry but I just don't feel comfortable funding this woman being there, I would appreciate it if you and your fiance would pay her way at the wedding." You could also say, if this is truly a large issue for you, "If she will be at your wedding, I don't feel comfortable being with her for such an extended period of time. I would feel comfortable paying for you to have a local wedding where I only have to interact with her for a short time, but if you would like a DW, we will have to reevaluate the funds I will be attributing. I will still of course help you, but you must understand the situation this puts me in: I just can't pay in full for a week that will be very uncomfortable for me when I don't have any obligation to do so." I do not know your situation, I do not know if telling her that will make her pull away from you and run to other parental figures for funding and support for her wedding desires, but honestly, I would assume that it will. I am just saying if you truly feel you can't fund this based off of this aspect, that would be the softest way to do it. You will have to consider what you know about your child and the situation when addressing this. I think the best thing to do would be to let it go, and enjoy your vacation without worrying about this woman. You don't need to spend time with her, I am sure you can avoid her on the DW.

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OOF, alycia comin in with the tea!!!

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You’re right. I love the part about driving the ex crazy lol, but of course I won’t do that as that is not my style. I will just “ suck it up” as I have done in the past. I just was so looking forward to this day and having it be a fun, joyous, relaxing time. Now I know what to expect, and know that it won’t be that. I plan on steering clear of her as much as possible lol. Like I said earlier, during the 19 years they were married, my current husband and I were always courteous, paid for all the extras, college, graduations etc. and we’ll just do the same here. It’s just a sad reminder to have to deal with her.

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I know more than most how frustrating it can be to have to deal with an ex that doesn't hold up their fair share. But I decided a long time ago not to let that interfere with our daughter. And even though I still pay / do a lot more, we are friends....because that is what I feel is best for her. I even get a long with my exes gf, lol. BUT I know not everyone can be quite as forgiving / friendly as I've chosen. And it did take me awhile to get to where I am able to. That doesn't mean you won't have a good and loving time at your daughters wedding though. The only way you will, is by expecting to. If you tell yourself that it won't be fun & relaxing because of a persons presence, then it won't be. You can still have a magical time at your daughter's wedding, despite who else is there...but that will be up to you to choose to do. And I really hope you are able to, because I know it would mean the world to you AND your daughter if y'all can all come together in love and celebration, and have the DW trip of a lifetime.