Dealing with a bad friend

In my opinion, that depends. Are you wanting to back out solely to get back at her? Were you planning on attending the festivities and getting her a gift before this happened? It’s highly possible that she truly is being honest with you about not being able to attend your wedding. Or perhaps, after planning her own wedding, she is short on finances and unable to come, but does not feel comfortable telling you.

I guess it comes down to how close the two of you are. Is it something you want to let come in between your friendship?

She's literally getting married that day, you cant cut the girl a break??

We've been friends for almost two decades, but we've clearly grown apart. She didn't even ask me to be one of her 8 bridesmaids (which doesn't really bother me though). I don't want back out to get back at her, but I just don't feel like being a supportive friend to someone I feel like who hasn't been supportive to me. I was planning on going, but I was already dreading going before she RSVP'd just because I hate bachelorette parties. The part about financially supporting the party was news to me though.

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She decided like today to have her civil ceremony on my wedding day, which I had scheduled 8 months ago. Her destination "wedding day" is actually two months after my wedding day.

View Quoted Comment It could be that she's short on finances, but I'm in the same boat. We've been friends for almost two decades, but we've clearly grown apart. She didn't even ask me to be one of her 8 bridesmaids (which doesn't really bother me though). I don't want back out to get back at her, but I just don't feel like being a supportive friend to someone I feel like who hasn't been supportive to me. I was planning on going, but I was already dreading going before she RSVP'd just because I hate bachelorette parties. The part about financially supporting the party was news to me though. Also, I'm not entirely sure I'll be missed if I don't go.

I don’t get how her not being able to attend your wedding makes her a bad friend, regardless of her reason. Not every person can attend everyone’s wedding. Is there a reason you don’t believe her about her just finding out and that being the only day her family is available?

I mean you've already booked the tickets. I would just suck it up and go

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No, I'm still going to the wedding. I just want to back out of the bachelorette party

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Yea, she flakes on me all the time. It is likely she booked her civil ceremony on my day to get out of going.

View Quoted Comment But if she flakes all the time, why would this be different? She’s not going to change just because you’re getting married.

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The biggest reason why we've grown apart over the years. I'm not expecting her to change, but I just don't want to be a supportive friend at her bachelorette party. I am still "sucking it up" and going to her wedding. But after this, it's likely I will stop trying to stay friends.

I think if you’re not even a BM it’s not that big of a deal if you don’t go. You need to decide if you want to be friends with her after all the wedding stuff and make your decision from there. If you don’t value her friendship that much, then skip the Bach party and go to her wedding. She obviously doesn’t value your friendship that much if she schedules her wedding the same weekend as yours...I mean of all the weekends in the year...seems a little ironic to me but who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Thanks, yeah I was thinking the same thing. I was just worried it would seem catty if I backed out last minute (using something else as an excuse only because I have no good excuse other than I just don't want to go).

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It's also not that she can't go that makes her a bad friend. It's that she waited until the last minute to pull this on me. If she booked this way in advance I'd understand but she pulled it last minute and then blamed her family for it. And if it was because of cost I'd rather her just be honest and upfront with it. She already knows how much I'm struggling with my wedding.

View Quoted Comment It also might be worth mentioning if she’s going to your bachelorette party? If she’s at least going to that at least she’s making SOME kind of effort.

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I'm not having one because I'd rather people spend their time and money to go to the wedding. Also, I'm not in my 20s anymore. Just the idea of having one made my eyes roll.

Seems like you've grown apart. And that's OK. If she has a history I can understand your frustration. But it shouldn't be a surprise. She may also only have that day available. If she didn't rsvp, you shouldn't have counted on your flaky friend for a count. I wish you the best. If you already agreed to go to her party I think it'd be tough to bail. But if you didn't I wouldn't bother.

View Quoted Comment Ohhh well if you arent a bridal party member then I wouldn't go lol that's not a big deal

In my opinion, your reaction to this situation is childish. If your RSVP date was today and she gave you her RSVP today, she met the deadline you set. She had things in her own life that needed to be worked out before giving you an answer. She took the time to ensure that she had everything worked out and was able to give you a definitive answer. Would you rather her give you an answer last month and then change it if her situation didn't work out how she was hoping? I think that would have been worse. Not everyone is going to be able to attend. It's not a reason to end friendships.
And it's not her fault that you didn't hit your minimum guest count at your venue. You overestimated the number of guests you would have. It happens. I know it's not a great situation and no one likes to have to pay for extra people who aren't going to be there. But, it's not her fault. Are you upset with other people for not attending?
As for her wedding and bachelorette party, its completely up to you if you want to go or not. Is she a friend? Are you truely happy for her and are you going to be supportive of her during both events? If you are, go if you are able to. If you are not, don't attend the party or the wedding. Get whatever refunds you can and cancel your trip. If you dont see yourself being friends with her after the wedding, and it sounds like you don't, what's the point of attending?

View Quoted Comment I agree, I do feel like my reaction might be childish but I can’t change how hurt I feel. We were best friends in high school so I thought that would mean something. There’s a lot of little things that happened a long the way so we aren’t so close anymore.

We lost some headcount due to a death in the family and I was already in tears before she called to tell me she couldn’t come so her timing was also pretty bad. I’ve made the time and spent the money to celebrate her big day. If she couldn’t come, she really shouldn’t have waited until the last day to tell me she booked something so important on my big day. She really had a year and a half to do this. It just feels like a micro-aggressive move on her part to pull this on me. Anyways, I plan on being there on her big day and being supportive and all that. I don’t plan on calling her out on this and make a scene which is why I’m letting loose on somewhat anonymous forum. But I just don’t have it in me to go to her bachelorette party and is as wondering if it was a big deal if I canceled on her last minute for the party. Especially as I’m expected to bring a gift and pay for the decorations. For her bachelorette party. After her wedding I just know better to not make such an effort to be a good friend to her.