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Desperate Bridesmaid - is the bachelorette too much?

Ky Ray, on January 26, 2022 at 10:10 AM Posted in Parties and Events 0 13
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Hi All-


I’d first like to say that I want to do as much as I can for my friend who is getting married. She is a great friend and was there for me, but her bachelorette that is 7 months away is causing a lot of stress on me. Her maid of honor seems to be all over the place and not really taking into consideration the price of things. Her bachelorette is in a location that isn’t very popular. So what that means is the flights are expensive, with a lot of stops along the way (5 hours when a straight flight would be one hour) and the other option would be driving 5 hours. As someone who has driving anxiety, usually driving is not an option for me, but also the idea of being on a 5 hour flight is also not ideal. I also am struggling with flying because since there are not a lot of options, I’d have to take Friday off, which is a bummer because I already have to take two days off for her Friday wedding. I am only given 4 discretionary days off a year, so I’d be giving up nearly all of them in the first two months of work for her wedding! The Airbnb alone is $400 which I thought was already a little steep for two nights. And her sister wants to spend another $500 on decor and matching shirts, so that would be another $100 on top of the air bnb. So $500 in total not including drinks, food, transportation…I have spoken out that I’d like not to surpass $500 if possible, but honestly now the whole thing is stressing me out. I’ve thought of just going for one night, and then buying ONE shirt instead of the whole outfit they want matching to cut the cost, but now the traveling portion is also stressful. I want to be a good bridesmaid and be there for her as much as she was for my wedding, but I think this bachelorette is more difficult than it needs to be. I am also trying not to be a stickler because I’m not technically HURTING with money at the moment, but I’m also can’t fathom spending almost $800 dollars for a weekend. Her maid of honor just starts putting things in her cart and expecting everyone time pitch in… Am I micro managing or are these feelings valid?
Thank you!!

13 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on January 27, 2022 at 2:14 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
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    Yikes. Your feelings are totally valid. The MOH should have discussed budget with each person individually. It is rude to determine how much money someone else spends on things. Honestly, at this point I'd say just decline and send your best. A bachelorette is not mandatory. I was honestly shocked that my out of state bridesmaid flew all the way to NJ from Texas for my bridal shower and bachelorette (both were a surprise) and would have not expected her to travel. I think these over the top trips are a bit much and should only be done if EVERYONE agrees to them on the outset.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Your feelings are very valid. Expecting others to pay $1000+ for a bachelorette party is a bit over the top, and both the bride and MOH should be understanding if invitees can’t (or don’t want to) make that large a financial commitment for a pre-wedding event. Not to mention you having to forfeit your very limited time off at work. Your attendance at pre-wedding events is not required by any means. If I were in your position, I would politely decline the invitation; but I would do so ASAP so that they are not counting on your financial contribution and/or making plans based on a certain number of attendees.
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  • Candace
    Super March 2022
    Candace ·
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    Whoa, that's completely unreasonable for the MOH to expect you to spend that much. If someone gives a spending limit, that should be respected. It doesn't matter that you have the money, only you decide what you're willing to spend. $800 is a bit much. I told my MOH that regardless of what my girls say they can spend, do not let the price tag exceed $200 because we can have a great time without the added expense and stress. We're also having it close by so they can decide when they arrive and leave, no flights needed.
    I would be straight with the MOH. Let her know that the Bach weekend is getting to be too much time off and money, and that's it's not doable. Sucks but it's not necessary. There's still the shower and the wedding you'll be a part of.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I agree with the other posters. I would tell your Bride asap you must politely decline. Taking off multiple days during your probationary period will negatively impact your new job. You don't have to go into finances necessarily. Good luck.

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  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
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    A party shouldn’t be this stressful! Decline ASAP and if you feel so inclined, send the bride $100 on Venmo for a bottle of champagne and call it a day. I’ve never been to a bach where the MOH passed along decor costs to the bridesmaids. Totally not cool.
    I am also sorry you have such little time off.
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  • K
    Ky Ray ·
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    I want to show my support and have fun with her bachelorette, and I agree budget should have been one of the first things talked about. I understand it’s a hard question but I think my friend would be very sad to hear if some of us couldn’t go because it was too expensive because she told everyone she doesn’t want it to be very expensive. Luckily another bridesmaid halted the other bridesmaids for moving too fast…my friend said if they can’t find a reasonable air bnb she will be open to moving her bachelorette to somewhere else (hopefully her MOH won’t book it and follow her requests of making it cheaper)
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  • K
    Ky Ray ·
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    So far every thing is up in the air and not completely booked, so I’m planning to hold off until then. The MOH knows my budget, and if she goes way over…I don’t think it would be much of a surprise if I decline! (Hopefully)
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  • K
    Ky Ray ·
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    I don’t mind flying somewhere, it’s all seeming a little excessive now. Luckily another bridesmaid put a halt to it and asked to focus on the air bnb first before adding all the decor and accessories.
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  • K
    Ky Ray ·
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    I like that idea of sending her money if I’m not able to go! Luckily another bridesmaid asked to put a stop to all the decor because it was getting pricey. She seems to be on the same page as me.
    Also, I’m a teacher! So it’s a lot harder to call in sick during these times, and we only get 4 discretionary days off a year ;(
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks Online ·
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    Bachelorettes are getting more and more elaborate, which does cause hardship for some. The MOH was in the wrong by going over your budget. If that continues, I'd just decline going, and send some money to buy the bride a few drinks. This isn't worth the stress. You're not obligated to go.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    You are completely valid in your anxiety. With the maid of honor not taking price or location into consideration and making it difficult, you can and should bow out of the bachelorette which is optional to begin with. You should never do something that your anxiety and gut to stay away from. Express your concerns to the bride because she may be unaware of the chaos involved. She may or may not be able to wrangle the maid of honor into something more reasonable but at least she would be aware of the situation. Never ever feel obligated to do anything outside of your comfort zone and budget, including this. Let the bride know you can’t afford the trip and will love to get together at another time. Bachelorette trips are a new concept that not everyone can afford and not everyone wants to be involved in, and no one is required to participate. It doesn’t mean that you love the bride any less but some people go crazy with planning when it is not their money on the line and they don’t take into consideration what others’ financial situations might be.
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I really think someone needs to talk to the MOH and reign her in. Flying 5 hours for a weekend getaway is a really big ask in itself let alone forking out the money for the MOH's vision.

    Decorations that'll never be used again won't make or break the bachelorette - the people will.

    If I were you, I would speak to the MOH stat and explain to her that you have a very strict budget of $X and if she wants anything added to the weekend beyond that, either she will have to pay for it all herself or you won't be able to come, period.

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  • Samantha
    Super May 2022
    Samantha ·
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    No advice but bachelorette parties have done a 180 in the last 10 years. Used to be one night out at a local bar then everyone went home. I spend cautiously and would not take a trip for someone else's bachelorette party. Don't feel bad for doing what you need to do for you.

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