Destination wedding gift etiquette

I just recently had a destination wedding a few months ago. It's pretty shocking to find out who does give gifts vs who doesn't. Although, I am the type of person to give a gift weather I attend a wedding or not (no matter how close or far) perhaps other people do not have that mentality. Some didn't even send a car or say congratulations. They were there to celebrate you, appreciate that. A gift ($20 or even $200) won't get you far. It's hard when your bridesmaid/close friends didn't get you a gift.. but it is what it is.

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No, from most sources etiquette absolutely DOES dictate a gift even if one doesn’t attend—from Emily Post to wedding organization sites to Etiquette writers. I don’t really agree with it, but it is what it is. Just a couple very quick sources to attest to that are given below. I would agree there is a little murkiness, as a few others, Like Miss Manners, say a gift is not a strict obligation if you don’t attend; however they also say the caveat of not giving a gift would imply that you actually do not care about the couple nor want to make the appearance of caring about the couple. The point of the first response was that the travel to a destination can count as a gift if resources were stretched in attending the event (though a token gift would still be appropriate if not required), and that the married couple should be thanking the guests for attendance and any gifts (rather than guests thanking the married couple for being invited).

https://emilypost.com/advice/reuters-be-a-gracious-wedding-guest-not-a-royal-pain/

https://www.consumeraffairs.com/news/cant-attend-a-wedding-due-to-financial-reasons-experts-say-you-should-still-send-a-gift-040119.html

https://www.bridalguide.com/blogs/etiquette-qa-bridal-shower-etiquette

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/wedding-gift-not-attending-etiquette_n_6057612?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAMt1oe7HXWVD31wHNa3fD-MuHoTj7ufS_Jpojf86smimpYnpB1vzCQ3rZA6NGFoXIpBKWuWeGyXxZ0fRIgBgQ-8xY-GE6sfolqNKJNldSzxRy5nGAIF9wb6tJVB0ayCaN-gsbMNzrdTGMxCCRisbKAACeKlZAFrhk00_zu9CdlFb

https://www.everafterguide.net/if-you-are-invited-to-a-wedding-and-cannot-attend.html

https://www.cnn.com/2014/02/20/living/wedding-etiquette-matrimony/index.html

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No, Kevin, actual etiquette experts agree that a gift is never required, and most certainly not in response to any invitation received. Miss Manners' take is that while a gift is never required and should never be expected, if you care enough about a couple to attend a wedding you should also care enough about them to want to give them a token of your affection and well wishes. The true Emily Post (that website is run by her descendants, and they espouse many things that she would would have disagreed with) also said that gifts are never required and are not necessary in response to an invitation.

There is no obligation to give a gift, ever, period. That's against the entire concept of a gift. There certainly isn't an obligation to give a gift to every random person who sends you a wedding or other event invitation. You may choose to attend or decline as your finances and desires dictate, and you may choose to send a card and/or a present as your finances and desires dictate. You are obligated to RSVP yes or no if requested, however, and not leave the host hanging. That is your only obligation as a guest (admittedly one many guests fail to uphold!).

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You seem to have missed the entire point of the comment. Again. The entire point was that travel to a destination wedding can count as a gift if resources were stretched thin attending the event (though a token gift would still be nice), and that the married couple should be thanking the guests for attendance and any gifts rather than expecting a thank you for being invited.

The small comment at the end, that FOR CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY, a gift SHOULD be sent, seems to have been badly twisted and a strange fixation; I'm not really sure why the twisting, the fixation, or the tangent. Not any random person--close friends and family, and not an obligation or requirement--should. (obligation or requirement was never said in either comment, just should and that many sources dictate it). And yes, most sources do say it obligates, but many experts say it doesn't; it is murky with different responses floating around--exactly as I mentioned in the second comment. You also seem to have an issue with my paraphrase of Miss Manners, and you seem to be paraphrasing a different comment by Miss Manners. I didn't think I would need to take the time to look up the exact quote and source I once read and was paraphrasing about sending a gift in response to an invitation or announcement, but if you really want it, here it is: "an expression of good wishes is necessary if you admit that you know of the marriage. Adding a present over this minimum would show that you care. Or that you want... to seem to care." --Miss Manners, Washington Post, 2013. Not an obligation, but a caveat of an implication--exactly as I stated. Finally, yes, the Post Institute is run by her great-granddaughter as spokesman and author, as Emily did not make it to a ripe old age of almost 150--ok. She still has written many books, columns for decades, has many media appearances, and is considered a wedding etiquette expert. The fact that there are some disagreement with Emily Posts original, century old espousings and those of her decedents only highlights the confusion and murkiness I mentioned, not contradicts it.

All of that for some reason, and the main points still stands: a destination wedding can count as a gift if resources were stretched thin attending the event (though a token gift would still be nice), and that a married couple should be thanking the guests for attendance and any gifts rather than expecting a thank you for being invited to the wedding.

Congrats on your nuptials hope your wedding day was amazing. Give it some time and do send out Thank You cards to all your guest ( including 4 BM) if you get gifts great if not let it go think about your amazing new journey and life! Friendship is a gift especially to some who have no friends/family around.

Unfortunately I don't think that people realize how much time, money and effort goes into a wedding and how many details have to be calculated. Sometimes people feel "owed" because they are travelling to your wedding. I'm having a DW wedding next October and I am already bracing myself for those who will complain rather than give well wishes. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I wouldn't stress too much about it. I understand what you mean about not expecting gifts but also not expecting those closest to you to skate by.

Your unappreciative attitude in your post has made its way to your replies as well. Your wedding is a day about you and your husband making commitments to each other - it's not about people giving you gifts for YOUR effort to accommodate them - give me a break. Why should they thank you? You should be thanking them that they spent time and money going to your DW to be there for you. There is nothing in the world that you will have forever, and especially not time; these people gave up their time to be there for you, and you should appreciate that.

Yessss, girl! I can defffffinitely relate! We didn’t have a DW wedding per se, but we did have the wedding in a location that was a bit far from where many of our guests lived (when I met my fiancé, I moved away to be with him since he already started his own business in a different city than where myself, my family and most of my best friends from growing up/high school/college were still living). So for many guests, they did have to travel about 3 hours via car, and of course a few others who had also moved even further away had to travel anywhere from 3-6 hours via flight.
>>ANYWAY, we made a weekend out if it, having a welcome dinner the night, kind of a little night before drinks & pre-party, the wedding itself, and then a farewell brunch the morning after (all of which had open bar etc — & were no costs to the guests).
To start, it was sooo hard to get people just to RSVP!! My wedding planner, myself, my MOH & myself/my husband were ALL trying so hard to get a simple answer out of people because we obviously had deadlines to give to the venues/vendors/etc. but people were so rude about it!

>>[ SIDE NOTE: I was already kind of hurt by several very close friends that I had been friends with since grade school who did not come to my Bridal Shower—which I DID have back in my hometown area for everyone’s convenience. Literally only 2 of my “old” best friends showed up, and the excuses of the ones that didn’t make it were all so lame and basic, like “oh I already have a bday party to go to that same weekend,” etc. — if they even RSVPd at all, since many of them just straight up ignored all our attempts to see if they’d be coming and totally ignored the fact I was even getting married and practically ghosted me throughout the whole process, even the ones who were just talking to me a couple weeks before the STD’s went out, usually about something they needed my help or advice for, now that I look back. ((But anyway...a bday party?! That happens every year! I’m only getting married once!!)) It really hurt my feelings that people I considered my BEST friends since we were in grade school couldn’t make an effort to come to my Bridal Shower, even though it was specifically held at a venue in the area where I was originally from/grew up & the area where most of the guests still lived (~20-45 min drive at the MOST for the majority of the guests, so traveling should not have been an excuse...). It hurt my feelings so bad that I almost didn’t want to go, but of course I did, because my mom and my MOH put so much work into the Bridal Shower, and I knew I just needed to go have a good time, forget about the lifelong friends who were dropping the ball and be thankful for my newer friends who were all showing up (many of which lived in the new city where I moved to be with my fiancé, even tho they had to drive ~3 hours, and they seemed so happy to be there, were very grateful to be invited and get to spend the special day with me). It just seemed like most of the friends I had from back home (almost all of which were not married or engaged, and so I guess they didn’t understand the importance or etiquette of weddings and Bridal Showers and how this was such a monumental day in my life that I wanted to share with them and that had a LOT of a thought, time and planning that went into it, which also made me feel so bad for my mother and my MOH who worked so hard, only to have 1/3 of the guests not even show up to enjoy the fruits of their labor).
>So then we get to the WEDDING. We went all-out for this weekend, including paying for the hotel rooms for every single guest and having all kinds of additional events the days before and morning after...all of which we paid for and came at no cost to any of the guests. Yet still some people complained about having to travel a couple hours, so for those people we ended up paying (and even arraigning) for their travel, too.

Then all the issues with RSVPing...and some guests RSVPd but totally ghosted us the actual wedding weekend—after we had already paid for their hotel rooms and travel fare (so it was non-refundable at that point), but honestly it hurt more than they didn’t show up and didn’t even have the etiquette to let us know, as if we didn’t exist and hadn’t been friends for almost our entire lives.

After all this, we had the same issue with many of the guests not even giving a 99cent card saying “congrats”, or saying anything to us in person or via message or ANYTHING—I mean something simple like “hey thanks for having us, we had a really good time, etc.” would have been fine. But NOTHING, even after all the stressing about RSVPs, no-shows to my bridal shower, having to reserve their hotel rooms ourselves, amidst all the crazy-busy last minute planning we were finishing up (since even tho we paid for the hotel rooms, the guests still had to call the venue’s hotel to say whether or not they’d be using the already-paid-for hotel room at least 2 weeks in advance or we’d be charged extra fees for their room being reserved passed the deadline).

But I think, like you mentioned, this comes back to something you said about how all these people that hurt my feelings by not RSVPing, not showing up, having issues about gifts, etc. were all people that had never been married before and hadn’t been to many weddings and just didn’t know the etiquette. But it’s really hurt my feelings and has actually kind of made me back away from trying so hard to keep the friendships going and now I leave the ball in their court most of the time. It’s sad to say, but maybe in my situation we just grew apart more than I thought, because the friends I’ve made since moving away were all married or engaged at the time of my wedding and so I think they understood the importance of those big, once-in-a-lifetime events for me in my life—this isn’t just some bday I was throwing—the etiquette, and more importantly all the hard work that I put into that day in ensuring all our guests would have a good time...and none of my “new/local” friends that were married/engaged (or had been to more weddings and were more knowledgeable about how monumental of a life event it all is)—none of those people upset me at all. They showed up, gave cards or gifts, or at least seemed APPREIATIVE & thanked us in person or told us they had a great time or complimented various aspects of the wedding...which is all I was really hoping for. The gifts are a perk, but having to stress about getting people to the wedding while I’m in the middle of my rehearsal dinner was kind of ridiculous, and people acting like it was no big deal to just blow off my Bridal Shower or Wedding and then message me a couple months later about something totally unrelated and act like it all never happened and never mention anything surrounding the wedding was just really hurtful...

So I totally get it...it hurts. 😢😔

View Quoted Comment They did things the bride wanted to do, it’s odd to say they went on a vacation when they didn’t do any of that for themselves. I went to Nashville for a bachelorette. Did I want to go to Nashville for a vacation? Heck no. But I wanted to celebrate the bride to be and I wanted her fo enjoy herself. So I’m going to put on a happy face and be enthusiastic the whole way. Doesn’t mean it’s a vacation to me. My other friend wanted to drink every night at her bachelorette, that isn’t something I would do on any other occasion. Can’t really put your own perspective on someone else’s experience. I also can’t believe people are saying they shouldn’t have come to the wedding if they couldn’t afford a gift. If my friends didn’t want me to come to their wedding because of a gift after I’d spent all of my money trying to be there for them, to make them happy, and to show them how happy I am for them? I don’t think I’d want to be their friend.

Wow, why is everyone so cheap!?
Yes, if you attend a wedding regardless if it's near or far you SHOULD gift the newly weds a gift or cash especially to cover your portion. There's no such thing as a free meal, wedding is expensive as heck! If you can't afford to attend a DW, then don't go, this is a vacation for you as well, so feel entitle that "your presence is enough" bullshit!

View Quoted Comment This thread is 6 years old, but it sounds like you just threw a destination wedding on everyone else's dime and still want to profit from gifts. That sux you see your loved ones as dollar signs and are pouting instead of being newly happily married. Perhaps elope next time.

View Quoted Comment Agreed! Even etiquette experts say that a gift is completely optional, especially for a destination wedding. The concept of “your presence is your present” is 100% true. Guests spend a considerable amount of money traveling for the wedding you required them to travel to. That is their gift. If you are trying to monetize off your wedding, friends and family (gross), then have a local wedding, where people are more likely to bring you gifts. That whole post gives the major ICK.
And just for the record, this is coming from a bride who had a destination wedding (not one of the members on this forum who just absolutely hate destination weddings and jump at every opportunity they have to bash them). Destination weddings can be fantastic! The couple just needs to understand the etiquette surrounding it before making that choice. Hosting destination wedding means no/few gifts. And it also means hosting at a much higher level.