Destination Weddings and Bridal Showers

This plan makes little sense to me. The entire definition of a shower is a party where the bride to be is "showered" with gifts. It's one of the few occasions there are where bringing gifts is in fact considered obligatory etiquette. If you don't want gifts then don't call it a shower at all, rather host a bridal luncheon or tea in honor of the bridal party and guests. Regardless of what you say or how you word it, if you're calling it a shower people will properly bring gifts.

As far as the destination wedding consideration, full disclosure, I'm not a fan. I think you might be surprised to know how many people feel burdened by them, even if they never say so. Regardless, if you're already asking your guests to spend extra time and money just to attend the wedding I can't agree with those telling you to also "do all the things." I would feel just the opposite.

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I am suddenly reminded why I left this site to begin with. In your circle, destination weddings may not be welcomed. But in mine, they are, as I have explicitly stated to avoid having a conversation about how much you guys hate DW's.

You could have said, "why don't you call it a bridal luncheon instead?" and that would have been plenty, and great advice as I have never considered simply changing the name could eliminate the gift issue altogether instead of trying to A.) make me feel guilty, as I already stated I do feel weird about the ordeal B.) reminding me that I'm burdening people with my choices.

I'll call it a bridal luncheon, or something of the sort. Thanks

Bringing up the destination wedding aspect of things, and some people's reaction to them was directly relevant, not an attempt to make you feel badly for the sake of it. It's a fact that DWs require people to spend extra time and money and that they can be perceived as an imposition or burden. You say you were already feeling weird about an additional shower which supports the idea that this concern may have had a basis.

I'm glad you found the suggestion of a bridal luncheon or tea to be helpful.

Every bride I know that's had a destination wedding also had a bridal shower with registries listed on the invitations! You should definitely have a shower and include the registry info.

I think having the moms plan a “Bridal Luncheon” and calling it that on the invitation would be ok. Don’t put registry info on it though. If people ask you, moms, or bridal party directly (which they likely will) telling them by word-of-mouth that they can view your registry on your wedding website would be ok and show that you are not exhibiting “gift grabby” behavior that you said you would like to avoid.

Are the same people that would be invited to the shower also be invited to the destination wedding? If so, I don’t see why anybody would have an issue with this! Just because you aren’t having a local wedding, doesn’t mean you have to forfeit a shower.

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Because they are already spending a lot more than they normally would be. That's not including a wedding that some people have to travel to because they don't happen to live near the couple or either of their families. In that case a local shower is fine, but I would personally not impose on most out of towners to attend.

View Quoted Comment And that’s fine that you wouldn’t choose to have a shower, but the OP is not doing anything wrong/faux pas, so long as the only people invited are also invited to the wedding. On the contrary, many people who are unable to attend a DW find a shower is a great way for them to be included and get to celebrate with the bride/couple.

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And many people consider your typical DWs to be an imposition and a faux pas. Regardless of whether people ultimately decide to attend a DW or not, you're asking people to come to a destination wedding and spend money on a shower. To me that is excessive any way you look at it.

View Quoted Comment Please don’t let the negativity of one person ruin your experience! Just because you are having a DW, doesn’t mean you have to forfeit everything else! It sounds like your family and friends are a great support system and excited about the shower! Just follow the usual etiquette surrounding a shower and you’ll be fine. Or, if you’d rather do a non-gift giving event in lieu of a traditional shower, that’s great too! Either way, have so much fun!!

View Quoted Comment I agree with this! Cece brings up a great point that the shower would be a good way for those who are unable to attend the destination wedding to still be able to celebrate with you. If you truly don't want gifts, you could call it a bridal luncheon instead, though I see nothing wrong with having a bridal shower and a destination wedding. Like Cece mentioned, just make sure those invited to the shower are also invited to the wedding. Guests can always decline the shower invitation if they feel it would be too much in addition to the wedding, though it sounds like your friends and family are all in support of you having the bridal shower, so go for it without guilt!

This topic is so interesting because I am a destination bride too! I'm glad you posted this!

To answer your questions:
What would you do? Thoughts on if you were invited to a DW and bridal shower? Not having the shower is not an option.

I would personally try to do one of the following:

-Have the bridal shower in the state where most of your guests live 1-2 months before the wedding.

-Have the bridal shower at a hotel 1-2 days before the wedding in the hotel where you have created a room block.

-Have a more intimate spa day/bridal pampering day (in lieu of a bachelorette party or bridal luncheon) with your closest friends, mother, and mother-in-law. This works nicely whether it is hosted closer to home or where your destination is and budget is a legitimate concern for guests.

Feel free to add to any of the bridal shower invitations something to the effect that their presence is the best present, and if they feel so inclined to bring a gift, it is greatly appreciated.

Do have a registry for your wedding and leave it on your wedding website, but don't make the suggestion for guests to take a look at it for bridal shower gifts.

Do tell guests who are attending the shower about your registry only if they ask.


You can add a section about giving a gift that is not on the wedding registry and suggest they run the idea by you first.

In my opinion:
-I would say that at a bridal shower, there is always the possibility of getting a gift that is unwanted. It just comes with the nature of the event. While some guests may give you a gift receipt, others may not.
-If you really want to avoid the unwanted gifts, or avoid the feeling that people might think you're being excessive for having both a shower and a destination wedding, just stick to articulating that gifts are not necessary for your shower.

Side Note:

-I definitely empathize with your predicament. Destination brides sometimes get a bad rap even if they are the hosts. I would say to avoid this as much as possible, have your mother and mother-in-law extend the invitations on your behalf. It eliminates most of the planning aspect on your part, and discreetly lets guests know that this wasn't your idea. It makes it hard to argue with a mom and a mother-in-law that you are being greedy and requesting more gifts if they are the hosts and can direct guests on what to do.

View Quoted Comment I think she didn't intend on being snarky, but reply most certainly came off that way.