Did You Or Your Future Spouse Get Your Parents' Blessings Before The Engagement?

My fiance asked for my step-father's blessing before, who selflessly told him he should ask my biological dad. My fiance told him he would but that it was him who he really cared about it, as he was really the one who raised me and who I wanted to walk me down the aisle. Cue mushy feelings. My step-dad specifically told him to NOT tell my mother before hand. ("I love my wife but she can't keep a secret" he was quoted saying).

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That's adorable!!

My fiance asked permission almost three months before he proposed... two months after we started dating I don't know how he went about it. I was working at a summer camp and all I knew was he was doing some yardwork for my dad *shrug* And then wouldn't you know it my parents found out two days afterward despite me still living at home I hung the ring on a necklace because I was shy about it and don't like being fussed over. I wear it now, though, of course. The first person we told was I think his sister and her boyfriend lol. It just happened that way

View Quoted Comment This is an interesting perspective! To me, the difference between blessings and permission is that getting a blessing means that the parents agree with the engagement, and asking for a blessing is somewhat similar to giving a heads up about the upcoming proposal. Not getting a blessing wouldn't mean that the engagement couldn't happen. However, not getting permission would prevent the engagement from happening.

View Quoted Comment That's super sweet of both your step dad and your fiance! That seems like a Hallmark moment. That's funny that your step dad didn't want your mom to know about it, though probably a good thing so that it could stay a secret until the engagement happened!

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I totally understand being shy over telling people about the engagement! I'm a similar way, I avoided the topic for so long because I got so overwhelmed by big reactions (such as, "OMG CONGRATS SO EXCITING!!!", plus a million questions about wedding plans when I hadn't even started planning anything yet), but I got used to it lol. Awesome that your fiance knew so quickly that he wanted to marry you! Did he tell your parents what date he was going to propose?

He didn't ask permission so much as just let them know he was going to propose. I knew he would most likely be telling his own parents whenever he was going to, so I wanted my parents to know before as well. My only request to him was that he also tell my grandma before, because she's super special to me.

He went to "work on the car" for a few hours one night like he normally does and suggested I make a dinner that is pretty involved so he knew I wouldn't attempt to go surprise him at the garage lol. Instead, he drove 45 minutes to my parents, waited there for them with my brother because they weren't home, and then told them he was planning on proposing during our upcoming trip. He said that was the most nerve-racking thing he's ever done because he was so worried I would find out that he wasn't actually where he said he was.

He called my grandma to tell her, and it somehow worked out that my cousin and I both called her within an hour after him telling her and she didn't say or do anything to make either of us suspect what he told her. That lady can keep a secret.

View Quoted Comment He definitely put a lot of thought into the details to make sure he could ask them without you knowing! And that's awesome that your grandma was able to keep the secret. Did you suspect anything that day? Or did it truly seem like a normal day?

View Quoted Comment Once we told my parents we were engaged I just went ahead and called my close friends and then I posted on social media. So i just got it all over with.
He and I had been friends for five ish years before dating. We kind of accidentally flirted a little bit the winter before I guess. But he'd been crushing on me for a couple years before he ever told me. He says that a week before he told me his feelings was when he was pretty sure he was moving from crushing to falling in love. He says he called his sister and was like "I think I found the woman I want to marry what do I do help!" And then when he told me his feelings I was so shocked (literally said "frick") that he thought I rejected him whoops. But we made it lol. He didn't know exactly when he was going to propose when he asked permission. But he told me he was going to propose two weeks before he did. (My friends say we were unofficially engaged and tbh that's what it felt like). So I had started working on planning two weeks before I had a ring. And my mom was super pushy for a little bit so I was wayyyy over talking about being engaged already

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I didn't suspect anything at all. It's very common for him to go to the garage 2-3 times a week for 4-6 hours each time. He even made sure to quickly wash the car in case I happened to see it because he told me that's what he was doing. At that time I had been home for 2 weeks because I got my tonsils out. All I cared about was being able to finally feel well enough to make dinner.

View Quoted Comment Awesome that you were friends for so long before dating, and also that you were able to get a head start on planning before the official engagement! What types of things did you plan in those two weeks?

View Quoted Comment Wow, he really did cover all bases to make sure you didn't find out! Very cool! Sounds like he did a great job of keeping it a secret.

View Quoted Comment Not a ton tangibly got done, but since I'd never thought about getting married before, I mostly used those two weeks to get my feet wet in the aesthetics and ettiquette of weddings. I had a lot to learn. Still do really. So I worked on some early invitation designs, learning more about dresses and figuring out what I liked, and developing the beginning of a vision towards flowers and colors.

I more or less told my fiancé I had no interest in him getting my parents' "blessing" to "allow" us to marry, considering I'm an independent human adult who at that point had lived apart from them for 9 years. I know it's maybe just a "to be nice" "tradition" kind of thing but me putting all of this in quotation marks tells you how I feel about it. Also I knew my parents love him, especially my mom, who is the one I'm actually close to!

So, my fiancé did not ask them and when I went back to my hometown to surprise my parents they were soooo happy. It was only later that day that my dad (who turns out to be way more annoyingly traditionalist than I ever realized, actual relationship and work you've put into it [or not] aside...) made a "joke" about not being asked by my fiancé if he had his permission. I was instantly annoyed but tried to play it off. He then went on to bring it up a handful of other times, which embarrassed my fiancé (who is from a very different culture and was looking to me for guidance), which is then when I started getting not nice about it. Dude... if you really cared about traditional crap like that then maaaaybe you should have worked more on the relationship all these years rather than because you're biologically a parent you think you have certain "rights". Hilarious. If we had an awesome relationship and I knew things mattered to him, of course I would have handled it all differently.

View Quoted Comment I agree with you, it wasn't super important to me that my fiance got my dad's permission. I never told my fiance to ask for his blessing, though I found out after the engagement that he chose to do ask for his blessing since he knew it was important to my dad. Awesome that you were able to surprise your parents with the news! Did they suspect that you would get engaged soon? Or was it a total surprise for them?

My FH and I had talked about getting married very honestly, to the point of him asking what my opinion on rings was (I showed him my Pinterest board) and if I minded him talking to my parents to get their blessing. I agreed and said it was not necessary but that he could get their blessing if he wanted to. The proposal was going to happen regardless of what they said but my FH wanted to show my parents that he knew their opinions matter to me. Their blessing was basically them saying, "Welcome to the family. We are happy to have you and glad you are going to marry our daughter."


Funny enough, neither of our families were involved with the proposal, just our friends. My parents were happy for us but FH's mother was furious she was not invited. She kept saying, "Well, I'm sure Grace's parents wanted to be there too!" She also made me promise not to let us get married without her there (which I thought was an easy promise to make, at the time). A year later, my FH and her had a massive argument and he quite seriously asked me if we could not invite her to the wedding. He has calmed down now and she is coming to the wedding still but it was not pretty for a while in the middle.

View Quoted Comment That was very sweet of your fiance to want your parents to know that their opinions matter to him! Sounds like a great situation. Sorry that his mom got upset that she wasn't present at the proposal. Did you prefer that they weren't there? Or did you not mind either way? My fiance and I hadn't talked about marriage before he proposed, but if I had the opportunity to give my thoughts ahead of time, I would have told him that I didn't want anyone (friends or family) present. Luckily, he already knew that I don't like a lot of attention on me, so he kept the proposal just us!

View Quoted Comment I think it was best that they weren't there. My Fiancé has a fraught relationship with his parents. They have been perfectly nice to me but have no respect for his boundaries and believe they should be included in everything. Honestly, his mother would have probably found something to complain about anyways. Instead, the friends FH invited to the dinner all had a fun time and were there to support my FH and celebrate our relationship.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I agree, that sounds like it was probably for the best that they weren't present. Sounds like it was a great dinner celebration with friends!!