Difficult Situation

View Quoted Comment Well it sounds like you and FH may have the decision made for you kind of... if him and step brother are close I’m assuming you won’t be seeing much of her any more for the sake of the brothers.

How close is your FH to his stepbrother? If your friend is the one who told you about the divorce, does that mean they're not close?
I would definitely talk to your FH what he thinks of the situation before you talk to your friend. If he's not helpful/decisive, go to your friend and start your conversation with how difficult it is to have that conversation, and see if get any clarity from it.
If the stepbrother is in the wedding and/or very close to your FH, I probably would ask her to step down. It will almost certainly harm your friendship, but she's already created distance by hiding her affair from you. (Normally someone would tell their closest friends about a new relationship or the fact that their marriage was ending.) Hopefully she'll understand why you're making that move. Regardless of whether or not she remains part of the wedding party, I think it's completely reasonable not to allow her to bring her new boyfriend to your wedding. Given that she is/was married to the stepbrother I'm assuming the will at least be a guest at the wedding, and so will other family members who will feel betrayed by her. It's okay to still invite her because she's your friend and she was an important figure in your relationship, but letting her bring the boyfriend she cheated with would be like rubbing salt in a wound for some of your FH's relatives.

View Quoted Comment Doesn’t really change it if she’s your true friend and someone you want standing next to you. Unless you only selected her bc she’s the bro-in-laws wife

I would probably say to take her out of the your wedding. It will probably damage your relationship but family first and I think it would be really rude and offensive to have her there standing with you celebrating your union with her new boo.

View Quoted Comment

His step-brother is one of his groomsmen so he will definitely be attending the wedding.

View Quoted Comment

No, they are close and his step-brother is supposed to be a groomsman. His step-brother is just a very private person so he doesn't like to include everyone in his business. Since he is such a private person, I'm not sure if anyone besides my fiancé and I really know why they are getting a divorce.

View Quoted Comment

I selected her because she is one of my closest friends. I just don't know how my fiancé's step-brother would handle her being in our wedding since he is also in the wedding. Neither of us want to cause him or their children anymore pain.

So it sounds like a decision for THEM to figure out. They know that they’re both in the wedding. So, either they can be cordial enough to do that “job” or they can decline. However, bringing the new bf is a no.

Bringing the bf would be an absolute no


The bridesmaid friend had an affair, her not yet ex husband is in the bridal party, and she wants to bring the man with whom she had an affair?? Is she trying to stir drama? She's asking you to pay for a Plus One when she's still married and for budgetary purposes, her "Plus One" is her husband.
Whether you want to keep her in the bridal party should depend on whether you want to keep her as a friend. If you ask her to step down, you may as well disinvite her altogether. It's judgy to say, you can't be my bridesmaid because you didn't respect your own marriage. I think it is valid to say, you are no longer a bridesmaid or a guest because you crossed a moral line I would never tolerate, and now we are no longer friends.
You need to decide where you're at. Being a bridesmaid is not an honorary position for those who are faultless. It's for your nearest and dearest, friends you stick with no matter what they've done.
An affair is one thing, but flaunting it at someone else wedding and in front of your soon to be ex husband is another.
I would have little faith that she would choose to be tactful.

View Quoted Comment In that case, you should probably ask her to come as a guest (without her boyfriend) instead of being in the wedding.

Honestly, you will likely have to choose between the, and it sounds like you will be going with family.
My close friends went through a very similar situation. He was hurt and embarrassed by the situation and eventually refused to go to social events where she would be. She felt that inviting just him to anything was a betrayal to her. It sounds like your friend also doesn’t fully grasp what this has done to her ex, based on the fact that she asked to bring new bf to the wedding. I would guess that you may end up in a similar situation where you and FH jeopardize both relationships despite your best intentions.
In the end, after a year of rocky relationships with them both, everyone in our friend group ended up with (at most!) only one of them as a friend. It may save you the heartache to make the tough decision now.

The boyfriend should absolutely not be invited, no way, never. I would have FH speak with his step brother about what he would like you to do about inviting the wife/ex. I'd assume he won't want to see her, especially standing by you. I'd say at most have her as a guest but only if the step brother is okay with it.

Keep her in the wedding. Let her do her. Doesn’t make a her a bad friend. Just a bad wife .

Without the detail of the soon-to-be-ex husband being in the wedding party as well as being the groom's stepbrother, I would say keep her in. If she didn't do anything to violate your friendship, then as much as you disapprove of her actions you have to decide whether it's a friendship-ending level of behavior. Not sure about all of you, but I've had friends make big relationship mistakes where I've told them it was a bad idea and what they were risking by doing so. They either went ahead to make that mistake or not, and we worked through the consequences together because if someone is truly your friend, you support them if they do something dumb and can at least learn from it.

But with the added detail, assuming that your FH and his stepbrother are fairly close, I can't see how it's fair to him to keep her in the wedding party. He may have filed for divorce, but he didn't choose to end their marriage. I would have a conversation with him on whether he will even be able to handle having her there, as it sounds like these events were fairly recent. Under no circumstances would I allow the new boyfriend to attend - it is inflammatory, and I assume they really haven't been dating that long. If she can't understand the difficult position she put you two in regarding being demoted from the wedding party and pitches a fit, I'd uninvite her altogether. At that point her behavior starts affecting your friendship and you're well within your rights to take a temporary or permanent break from her.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. If she truly is one of your best friends, what happens behind closed doors is for them to navigate, not for you to judge or punish her regardless of being your sister in law. If you decide to demote her, consider that a friendship-ending move. Either way, her new boyfriend does not get a spot on your guestlist.