Disagreement on where to live

You mention that you always said CA was temporary for you, but what did he say when you talked about it?

I moved my daughter and I into my husbands house even though I wanted us to buy our own. He inherited this house from his mom when he was 17 (she passed away) and until I moved in it was basically a shrine to her. His family still calls it her house, his aunt lives next door (his grandparents old house), and anytime we mention changing things people bring his mom’s vision up because she had our house built. It has caused issues in our relationship, and this year we are selling and buying something new in a nearby town with a better school system so that my daughter can start kindergarten in the fall in a good school. It took a LOT of heartfelt conversations and some heated debates to come to this decision.

View Quoted Comment It has definitely not been easy. For a while I felt like I was crazy because he just wasn’t seeing things the way I was, but when I started pointing it out, he finally realized what I was talking about. I’m excited to find “our” home this year and start building some family memories in a new place!

If you were upfront with him from the beginning, it really isn’t fair for him to expect you to change your mind. I think that’s something you two need to work on. Maybe you can agree to reevaluate after x years in Colorado. If there are lots of jobs in his field in CA, then it isn’t pressing that you move back right now.

My fiancé works in a specialized field and most of the work is in Los Angeles. I’m getting a little tired of the city life, but I know I have to be open to compromise and to practical concerns. I’m with you on the affordability issue, though – it’s tough out here.

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He always said he was open to the idea. After getting a big rent increase he was the one that bought up moving. When I started applying for jobs out of state he was very supportive and said he was excited to move somewhere new but I did end up moving two months before he did because he kept coming up with excuses to stay. He had never lived anywhere else so I thought maybe he was putting it off because he was scared of change.

I live in San Diego. It's expensive, but we're used to the high cost. My family is not in SD, but they are 20-30 mins away driving. His family is in Europe, but they still visit. He moved a lot growing up, and SD is what he considers home. We want to stay here, but we would also consider moving to other cities. Luckily, we're on the same page on what cities we would consider in the US i.e. Portland, Seattle, Denver area.

I fantasize about moving to Europe (specifically to his home country), but then he bursts my bubble with realistic expectations i.e. it's hard to make friends at our age, I don't speak the language, I can only handle a short range of temperatures, etc.

I'm a mechanical engineer and I find it very hard to believe there's such a niche that he couldn't find jobs in other regions of the country, I think he's just making excuses. What specifically does he do?

I would definitely try to stick it out in Colorado for a few years before making any decisions. You don't want to become resentful about moving back for him.

Luckily we are from the same state - about an hour apart - and our works are 7 miles apart. When he bought his house (we were dating) we found one that was centrally located to both jobs. His parents are about a half hour drive and mine are about 10-15 minutes, so we are lucky.

I would be hurt and upset if my FH didn't tell me he had an interview as well. That's part of marriage, to be honest with one another. I think you need to talk to him and see where his head is at. If he's constantly pushing the SOCAL subject, then I'm sorry but he is being selfish because he's not taking your opinions and thoughts into consideration

My husband was hesitant to even consider living in a different state because it was *unknown*, and not close to family. We don't spend much time with family to begin with. After a lot of long talks (especially because once we have kids my desire is to be a SAHM) we've agreed southern CA is too expensive for me to be a SAHM. So far, it's agreed no southern, and no eastern states, and maybe stay in CA only *if* it's not SoCal, and not the Bay Area.

You both need to have a talk...you need to tell him how you feel. Let him him tell you why he feels the need to go back to Cali. You know his excuses about his field in not a real answer as he has a job now. Also, explain to him how hurt you are that he interviewed for a position without letting you know. Ask him what he was going to do if he was offered the job and you didn't want to leave your job. You both may need to seek counseling in order to figure out how you both can move forward.

You say you'd move back to the east coast in a second if you could. And it sounds like that's exactly how he (and his parents) feel about the west coast as well. Compromise is great and all - until the compromise ends up being something that NEITHER party is happy with. Maybe he just didn't realize how much he'd miss it until he left? Denver is a compromise in location, but it's a very very different vibe, temperature, environment. Unfortunately with careers and locations, sometimes there just isn't a perfect solution - so as a couple you may have to come to terms with the fact that you can't always both be in your ideal situation. Communication is key in working out how to prioritize careers and locations. You're in this together so you need to support each other and try to find a mutual end goal.

Also, I'll add that my parents went through this! He's a Cali kid at heart, and my mom lived in LA with him for a while, but hated the vibe, the traffic, the cost, etc. She's a midwest girl. They ended up in Florida! He has his ocean and warm climate, and she has her east coast time zone and more midwestern vibe. They're both very happy with their new home.

I think this is a super tough decision. I'm from the MO and FH is from TX. We met in college in MO and have both been here ever since. We actually both got into the same career (college coaching/different sports) and it has been a struggle to find job opportunities that are remotely near each other here. My plan is for us to eventually move to Texas just because there will be so many more opportunities there.

While I think it is hurtful that he didn't let you know about the interview beforehand, I don't think you can be mad that he is looking when you say you would move back home in a heartbeat. Essentially, it seems like you both feel the same way about your respective homes.

Our compromise has been that if one of us HAD to get out of coaching, it would be me. I have a lot of other background skills that I can go with that FH doesn't and the system is just set up for him to generally make more money than I ever will as we move forward.

Hopefully you are able to find something that you both can be happy with (even if that means that one of you does what the other wants in terms of moving). Maybe make a compromise that if you move to Cali you spend all the holidays with your family. Or maybe see if you can find somewhere closer to a beach on the East Coast that gives him the Cali vibes?

Perhaps he feels that, in order to have a relationship with his family, you need to live close to them, while your family will visit no matter where you live. Either way, I agree with PP that communication is key. Get a marriage counselor involved as a neutral third party.

This is hard. I definitely understand being upset that he interviewed without telling you, and that you feel his family is actively pushing him. That doesn't seem fair/reasonable -- you're a team now. I agree the two of you need to have a long heart-to-heart about your short- and long-term goals/priorities, and if you need the help of an outsider, seeing a therapist might be very helpful. Marriage is all about compromises and coming up with solutions you can both live with, but that takes a lot of open communication about each person's thoughts & concerns.

I'm a native of CA, and husband is from the Mid-West (and after 40 years, has virtually no motivation to go back). We were in CA when we married, and had every intention of staying. After a few years, and frustration with the cost of housing, we decided an "adventure" would be fun. We took a transfer to the East Coast for H, and I used it as an opportunity to change careers (from college professor to corporate HR). We LOVED it and had a wonderful 7-year adventure. After six-years there, our "miracle baby" was born and we decided I would be a SAHM for a while. Once I wasn't working, H was highly motivated to come back to CA -- "God's Country" in his mind. We moved back to So Cal, and enjoyed raising daughter near my extended family. I eventually returned to teaching. We've visited H's family in the Mid-West fairly regularly over the years, so daughter has a great relationship with that side of the family. After more than 20 yrs in So Cal, we're looking to retire elsewhere due to cost of living and lifestyle preferences as we retire. D & FSIL are planning to leave So Cal as well due to cost of living. Marriage is all about compromise and agreeing on priorities. Change can be hard, but if you're on the same team you'll figure it out! Good luck to you both!

Well, when I moved in with my FH, I moved to his place and increased my commute by at least 30 min. I rented, he owned, and he said we could look for a place together, but I knew that made no sense. He grew up here but has talked about moving from time to time. He also wants to retire someplace he previously lived. He talks about it a LOT but it’s not a place we could really live with our jobs. He’s a dreamer. So, I sort of have to shelve some of his ideas in order to not be all over the place. This is definitely an area you’ll have to find compromise on. I presume he sort of put your feelings about moving in the back of his mind and assumed you weren’t serious. So, he’s going to need to get it. I know it’s hard.

Maybe tell him and his parents “for the next 6 months, dont mention anything about moving. Don’t look at other jobs, and don’t apply anywhere else”. Enjoy your time in Colorado for 6 months. If he’s still unhappy, re-evaluate.

I dont like CA one bit and FH and I would move ANYWHERE but CA. (We both grew up there). Honestly if he told me the only way he’d be happy is if we moved back, I’d be upset but put his happiness first.

FH and I are both from Oregon but FH found a job near Seattle. He is currently living there while I am in Eugene. After the wedding I will be moving there with him. I would love to stay in Oregon but seeing as FH is the one with a stable job and is the primary provider, I will compromise and move to WA. We have both agreed that we will never move to the East Coast.