Ditching your family for the in-laws/fh?

I wouldn’t say we pick and choose. For us one family lives an hour and a half car ride away and the other is a three and a half hour plane ride away. So obviously we see one family a lot more than the other. But no one gets upset about things because my husband and I are adults and can make our own decisions on how we spend our time versus making things fair. I also don’t really see it as your place in how your sister spends her time or her relationship with your parents. If they are upset about it they can talk to her and if you’re upset about your own relationship with her you could talk to her as long as you aren’t speaking for someone else.

Both my FH and I have divorced parents so we are very conscious about how we divide our time. That said, I'm very close to my mom and did struggle with finding a new balance when FH and I started getting serious. FH had to call me out a couple times on neglecting his side.

We’re getting better we set boundaries and expectations: we won’t use all our PTO in family trips, I refuse to divide holidays up (we do our best to rotate annually), and we make sure to have open communication. For example, this year we told everyone we are not traveling for Christmas.

It can’t hurt to call your sister out, in a nice way and ask that she spend more time with your family. Work together on specific times and expectation. I know FH mom makes very specific plans very quickly and it can be easy to get swept along. I would approach with the benifit of the doubt that she’s not doing this intentionally.

We are unashamedly closer to my family. But for us, I think a lot of it has to do with the families themselves. FH's family just isn't family oriented. They get together on Thanksgiving, on Christmas, and once during the summer for a family beach day. My family will get together because it's Thursday. We all live close and enjoy being together. As far as "choosing", we work everyone in when we can. For instance, Thanksgiving is my family's FAVORITE holiday. It's just huge and I wouldn't miss it. So we skip FH's Thanksgiving. For Christmas, it's never really been a big deal for my family. We get together sometime Christmas week to exchange gifts, but everyone does their own thing for Christmas day. So we spend that with FH's family. We definitely do the beach with them in the summer. But other than holidays there just isn't much choosing because they're never together and we always are. Lol.

Every family is different. Maybe she is doing these things because she is invited. My mom plans a lot of events. We do things with my aunts and uncles too. I haven't even met some of my FHs family and we share the same zip code! My ex boyfriends family used to have lots of vacations and events. We were invited, so we went. Everyone is different. I know it's hard if your parents seem upset with your sisters relationship, but it's their relationship. They have to work on it together.

I agree with Summerbride. We do our best to rotate holidays. My parents have always been cool with this. I haven't lived close to home for years. I'm only an hour and a half away but I will not be travelling to 2 different places on one holiday. FHs family was not too thrilled with the arrangement at first but they're coming around.

I've seen this with my brother and SIL (who no one in my family likes but we are cordial with her and have never questioned their relationship) as well and it breaks my heart to see them treat my parents that way. -Background- my parents have always been together and very supportive, her mom had her at 16 and then had 2 boys with her step dad 15 years later. They are only paying for the boy's college (despite being very well off) because it's his money and he only wants to spend it on "his kids". They got pregnant at 20 and my parents remolded their house (and kicked me to the basement) so they could live comfortably, rent free, and finish school, giving them a full bathroom, a bedroom, a nursery, and a "family room" (my old bedroom) so they could feel like they weren't forced to be with my parents all of the time. I should also mention that her parents "disowned" her when they found out she was pregnant (and that's not the only time either). When he asked her to marry him we all found out of facebook and it took another week + my parents just outright asking about it before he said anything. My parents paid for the majority of their wedding and continue to help them financially. When it comes time to holidays however, it's always dependent on what her family decides to do, regardless of if my family had planned something first. We usually get dinner together for birthdays and we have heard multiple times about how we don't do my brothers dinner close enough to his birthday (it's in March which is 1)ripe time for illness in IL/WI and 2) just a busy time for eveyone. We have also heard complaints that they had to "share" a birthday dinner with an ex of mine (both in March) and that she has to "share" her birthday dinner with my mom (both in November)...BTW, I "share" my birthday dinner with my dad (January) and it's never been a problem.

FH and I try to make an effort to split things evenly. For our first Christmas, I asked if his family had any traditions, which they didn't so we asked his family if they would be okay with celebrating Christmas on Christmas since my family has always done Christmas dinner on Christmas eve. Everyone agreed, and it is peace. For Thanksgiving, we make the effort to spend it with my family because my mom's birthday occasionally falls on Thanksgiving day, but we also tend to do lunch because until this year, my dad typically worked 3-11 (they are retired now) for holiday pay, which allowed us to do dinner with his family later in the evening. The last 2 years we have invited his parents to join us as well since FH's 2 sisters are now out of state and don't usually make the trip up plus, we have more local family (grandma, aunt, cousins). Easter will likely me similar this year as well since again, FH's sisters won't be around.

It was important to me to try to balance that kind of stuff between the families because we didn't want to hurt our parents the way my brother has hurt mine with how they handle things. I think if anything changes where there is more scheduling conflict we at the very least alternate every other year and every other holiday, or volunteer to host both families ourselves. Right now everyone lives within an hour or so of each other which is one of the reason it works so well, but his parents plan on retiring to FL, we plan to move to TN, and my parents plan to move as well.

I should also mention that our parents get along great with each other and have even gone to Blackhawk's games and dinners together without us.

I think it really depends on the person's relationship with their family (parents, siblings, etc).

My MIL/FIL bought us vacation last year, the crappy thing was when they came for dinner at my house (my parents were there) that's all the talked about in front of my parents. It was so uncomfortable and it made them feel like crap. They haven't been able to afford a vacation since their honeymoon. THAN she had the NERVE to ask my mom (without me present) how much my parents were giving to mine and my FH wedding. BTW...we weren't even engaged yet. My mom and I are very close and she was stressing because she was worried about telling me. Once she did, I FREAKED OUT, my FH called his dad the next day and his dad gave his wife a good talking to. Needless to say the two sides haven't done well together since. They are civil but my mom is always on edge. My FH and I know my parents could have never afforded to give us money, and we would have never asked. MIL was being plane rude and interfering were she shouldn't have been.

ALSO...they didn't tell us that we could have taken the money instead. Which we would have because we've been saving for a house. (They let his siblings take the money.) So they paid for flight and hotel, and decided to NOT tell us until we were there that we had joining rooms AND there friends were staying with us. AND my FH had became unemployed before that and we had to come up with the money for the rest of the expenses. Since than I've become very cautious about ANYTHING with my FH parents, especially his mom. I don't want to ever be pulled into anything again.

NOW....my FH and I do NOT treat our parents equally. For sure my parents get a lot more from us, but they also live closer, and my parents don't get into our business and give us our space. We do buy them all presents at the holidays and on their birthdays, but it's done quite differently. I'd say we put a lot of thought into my parents, but normally his parents just say we want this and if it's in our price range we buy it, so they already know what they are getting.

I don't think your sister should be rubbing all of this in your face nor your families. I think she should be more aware of everyone's lives and be considerate. I knew my parents couldn't pay to travel to our Elopement site...so we factor their expenses into our budget. His parents don't know. However, what my dad is doing (HE'S THE BEST!) is surprised us and worked a bunch of overtime, and without telling my mom (she sucks at money and budgeting) is paying for his and my moms expenses, ALL OF THEM! So we are saving a lot of money, and no matter how much I protest he is ensuring he can pay his and my moms way. THAT is what family does for each other, we think of each other, our feelings, understand our money situations, etc.. Your sister is being selfish and not caring about others feelings.

I've very sorry your going through this, and I wish you loads of luck. I know it's easier said than done but try not to let her bother you. Focus on your and your FH happiness. That's what matters in the end.

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The holidays are so stressful when merging families!

The last two years I finally came up with an arrangement and needless to stay were sticking to it. Why should anyone have to travel to multiple locations on holidays? I mean what about your own personal family time with your new family (you, fh, maybe kids?)?

We only celebrate Thanksgiving and XMAS.

Thanksgiving we do at my FH parents house, and do it at my parents house on Black Friday.

XMAS we do at my FH parents house the Saturday before xmas, and then my FH and I don't really care about my parents for xmas, it will either be xmas eve or xmas day. They live so close to us and we have such a good relationship with them, that we don't mind either way. Normally though we do Xmas with them day-of in the afternoon, once we are done doing our own xmas thing at home.

Arrangements like these are necessary or they get all crazy!

Both of us have divorced parents so we have to utilize our time, especially around holidays carefully. FH does not have a relationship with his father so we have to split time between his mom and stepdad, my mom and my stepdad, and my dad. Luckily, his mom and stepdad and my mom and stepdad literally live one street over from each other so we are able to see both sets of parents on most major holidays. My dad is very close with FH's mom and stepdad so he is always invited over with us so I am able to spend time with my dad and FH's family all at once and then head over to my moms after. It's very convenient. Eventually, my mom and stepdad will be moving out of state, most likely 8-10 hours away so things will change at that point but for now we enjoy it being simple. Aside from holidays, we usually go to his parents house twice a month or so for dinner and we will stop over to see my mom and stepdad at the same time. We also have breakfast with my dad on Saturday mornings about twice a month as well. We prioritize all birthdays on both sides of our families and always make sure to make it out for dinner or cake. Family is really important to both of us.

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Absolutely! All we can do is our best

In the beginning of our relationship, we saw my family more because we lived in the same town as them and his family was far away. We always try to keep it as equal as we can now. We do go back home to visit my family at least once a month (my dad is older and we go to visit him and take care of things he needs done) plus to see my mom and niece. However my brother is this way when he gets in a new relationship. He totally drops his family and we hardly, if ever, hear from him until it goes sour. My parents are use to it by now, sadly. I'm indifferent about it for our personal relationship, but I just try to be there extra for my parents.

We don't necessarily pick and choose, but we do best to see everyone. We live about a 6 hour drive from our hometown where both of our families still live. The last few years on Thanksgiving, we have split it up and tried to see everyone. It can be exhausting because his parents are divorced so we end up all over the place, going to three or four different places in one day. This past year we skipped going to his dad's side because his mom doesn't really have any other family and their times conflicted. We did see his dad's family at our engagement party two days later, though. My family and his dad's side do not celebrate Christmas so we automatically go to his mom's house for that which makes it easier. We have been unable to come in for Passover for a few years now so we just haven't seen anyone.

I will say though, try not to judge even if you feel hurt for your parents. FH's family got upset with us because we declined going on a vacation with them and then 6 months later went on vacation with my family. But, there's more to the story. His family was going on a week-long cruise where we had to pay our own way and we couldn't afford it. Also, it was near the holidays and it's the busiest time of year for FH's career so getting time off is really hard. On the vacation with my parents, they used points for our flights and paid for our accommodations, and it was a better time of year for FH to use PTO, so we were able to go. If they hadn't been treating us, we would've had to decline as well because we couldn't afford it still.

Whenever we come into town, we're always being pulled in several directions from family (and friends) and truthfully it has become exhausting to visit. I wish more people in the family were understanding about it. Luckily some people have started visiting us a bit more as well.

I have divorced parents so I am very aware of trying to split time evenly. We also live across the country from both of our families. Luckily FH's brothers are already married and they tend to make thanksgiving their big family holiday while my family doesn't do much on thanksgiving so Christmas is the big family holiday on my side. So that luckily worked out well. If I'm being honest, we probably see my in-laws more just because his parents are retired so they have more time to come visit us and his family tries to plan a family vacation every year and we generally attend if we're able. My brother travels 80% of the year for work so it's much harder to see all of my family at once and I can only afford to fly cross country so many times a year. I'm very close with my mom so she makes an effort to fly our way at least once a year as well. My dad and I have a strained relationship so while I try to be fair with my time when I'm in my hometown, I definitely see my mom more. He has also never come to visit me in the 4 years I've lived out of state so after a while I got tired of feeling like I was the only one trying.

This is something I’m not looking forward to when we get married. As long as traditions don’t change, we might be able to juggle our time during the holidays. His family usually does a late lunch for thanksgiving and mine does a dinner. They’re usually held at each of our parents houses who live relatively close so we can hop from one to the other. For Christmas, my family does Christmas Eve and his does Christmas Day in Arizona. So perhaps we might be able to do the eve with my family and drive out for Christmas Day with his.
As for day to day, I think we both just need to be conscious of it. I can see us spending more time with his family because they like to invite people over, but I’d probably insist on spending Sunday dinners with my parents.