Divorce S/O: Anyone have any worries?

Divorce partically runs in my family-- even my great grandparents (my grandfather's parents) were divorced, and you know how uncommon it was back then! Then both sets of grandparents, my mom's been married and divorced three times, my dad married three times (but been married to my stepmom for *ages* now), uncles, aunts.. you name it, they got divorced, so I used to figure, "Well, I might, too". Then I went to graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist, and suddenly relationships went from a big unknown mystery to something fairly concrete with a lot of "Here's what works, here's what doesn't". Far from a hard science, granted, but not nearly as mysterious as before. Now I feel confident DH and I will make the long run.

We started out as friends for years and then one Cinco de Mayo crossed "the line". We were so worried about ruining the friendship that we developed the best communication ever. We talk openly about a lot of problems people struggle with…money, living situations, responsibilities, what having kids will look like, jobs, religion…etc.

I think knowing his character before we starting dating gave me the faith that he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me…and that's a huge reassurance for sure. I had several relationships in the past and always ran (before they could). Knowing the man he was allowed me to open up and trust him 100%…there's no doubts ever. We talk everything through and while we have had disagreements and hurt feelings we know it's never on purpose and there's love being everything.

I had a lot of therapy when I was younger (my mom passed away having me and it messed me up for awhile) and I take all the skills I learned there and have applied it to our relationship.

I will say this to start...if I were at all worried about divorce, I would not BE getting married, yet. =)

Having said that...I have been divorced since 1990. I married too young...it was in the cards for us to not succeed. I did not even WANT to get married...at least not when we did.

My parents are also multiple times divorced...Mom is married for 3rd time...24 years now, I think. She is miserable. My dad and step mom about 30 years. They fooled around over the years, while married to others...including my mom. And now...happy as ever. I think they could have saved a lot of heartache and grief, if they would have just married in the first place. *sigh*

I used to have ZERO respect for the entity of marriage because of their history.

My mom has been married five times now. I've had three step fathers (she was married before my dad). She currently has a boyfriend she sorta likes.

My dad has been married four times (two times before my mom).

My dad has presented me with the example of a stable relationship (my stepmom) since I was 4.

My mom has not only had 3 husbands but boyfriends who have lived with us.

There is a reason I'm getting married for the first (and only) time in my mid-30s. But no I don't worry about divorce because I learned from someone else's mistakes.

Divorce isn't really a big thing in my family. My parents were married 42 years and together for 47 (high school sweethearts) until my mom passed away suddenly in November 2016. My oldest sister will have been married for 16 years this May, and my other sister 13 in October. The only remotely close relative (and I use close very loosely) I have who's been divorced recently is my uncle.

My fiance's family is another story. His parents have been divorced for nearly 25 years. Each one was married before they married each other, and both have remarried since. (His dad's current wife is actually the woman he left my FH's mom for, so that's created a lot of tension.) His oldest sister got divorced three years ago but is still on good terms with her ex; she and his new wife, who has the same first name as her (Jennifer) is practically her BFF. Second oldest sister just announced she's getting divorced for the third time, having been married just over 3 years, and her soon-to-be ex is one of my fiance's groomsmen (not sure yet how that's gonna play out in the end). The youngest of his sisters, who's the same age I am (I'm a cradle robber! xD), has been married almost 10 years, but the whole family kinda wishes they'd get divorced, even though she puts on a happy face (very, very long story).

Despite having come from very different families, my FH and I know what is important to us. He's had a lot of opportunity to learn from the many mistakes people in his family made that ultimately led to those divorces, and he's a better person for it. In fact, when he called me to tell me about his one sister's most recent divorce, he told me that as sad as he was about it, it reminded him of just how strong we are as a couple. We just celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday, and we've been through a lot in those eight years, specifically having to postpone our wedding, which was supposed to occur last April. We've been tested a lot, especially in this past year, and we've both said things to each other that we then hated ourselves for saying later, but every day all we want to do is come home to each other where we're safe. Because of that, I don't doubt that we're going to have a very strong marriage. We're practically already married as it is!

My parents just had their 28th anniversary and I’ve been my mom’s vent-buddy for near half of that. I think over the years, my father’s untreated mental health issues (I think depression 100%) has made him grumpier and more difficult to deal with. He’s also relied heavily on my mother to take care of financials for the house, which has put them in a precarious spot more than once. Honestly, I’m not sure that he’d make it on his own without her or leaning on someone else.


DH’s parents divorced about 4-5 year ago, partially due to infidelity and partially due to just being a bad match. Both have remarried, so it’s interesting having 4 in-laws. This is my FIL’s 3rd marriage. I joked with him that he must love raising children, because he came into DH’s life when he was around 6-8, and his new stepson is going to be 6 this year.
Honestly, I try to look at what did/does or doesn’t/didn’t work with all of them. I’m sensitive about tone and communication because my dad can be cruel to my mother and I’m not sure he realizes how belittling he is to her. Even though we’ve worked out a financial agreement that works for us, I try to contribute more when I can because I don’t want resentment for him handling everything. I don’t think either of us would ever cheat, and while we’ve talked about counseling and haven’t gone through with it, I appreciate that he’ll at least consider it.
If it ever came down to divorce, I’d like to think we’d be cordial to one another. I’m not out to get everything and unless I have some huge career growth, I won’t have tons to offer him money-wise. We’d agreed that of our existing pets, he’d keep the dog and I’d take the cat. He’s also said he’d never marry again. It’d probably take me awhile, but I’d be open if the right person came along. The thought of “starting over again” makes me nervous because he’s my *first* and we’ve definitely grown a lot together.

I have been divorced. My advice is that things that are issues don’t get better after marriage - if someone gets mean when drinking, that won’t stop. If someone spends too much money and doesn’t pay their bills, marriage won’t stop that. Any qualms you have while engaged, pay attention. Explore them. Did down to find out why you feel that way. A broken engagement is a lot easier to recover from than a divorce!