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Just Said Yes October 2019

Do i invite the female best friend (who hated me)

Lindsay, on December 2, 2018 at 7:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

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My fiancé and I never fight. Never argue. However there is one topic that has always caused a huge argument. That is his college best friend and roommate. We were all friends for about a year before My fiancé and I started dating and during that time this girl and I didn’t always get along. When my fiancé and I started dating, from day one she didn’t support it. She was mean to me on so many levels. Would do things to undermine our relationship. Would tell him not to bring me to friend gatherings. But I never told my fiancé they couldn’t be friends and accepted the fact and honestly didn’t care because his friendship with her eventually just ran separately from our relationship (this was after many efforts on my part to be cordial and make it work but she just stuck her nose up to any idea of me being around). And she was the only friend of his who had any problem. His guy friends love me and have been rooting for us since day one. I honestly just wanted her to respect our relationship and respect that he loved me.
So now he wants to invite her to our wedding! There are so many hurtful awful memories that I’m not even sharing but through it all she and my fiancé carried on their friendship because they lived together and because I never told him he had to choose. So do I have to invite her because she is important to him? Even though the people at your wedding are supposed to be there supporting your union? and why do I feel guilty not wanting to invite her because I know it’s something he wants?

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Latest activity by Jessica, on December 5, 2018 at 12:32 PM

Devoted August 2018
Estera · on December 2, 2018 at 7:33 PM
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No. I wouldn’t invite her. Why would he want someone at the wedding who doesn’t like and support the relationship? It’s just asking for a disaster.
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Super December 2018
Courtney · on December 2, 2018 at 7:33 PM
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I'd say nope, and wonder why he wanted someone there that had a history of being mean to me.
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Master December 2019
Alyssa · on December 2, 2018 at 7:41 PM
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I think that if you are supportive enough that you’re relationship is that he has separate friends because she doesn’t like you (you said they hang out outside of your relationship) so I think that they’re best friends and it’s fair he wants her there

its a weird time for a chose her or me in my opinion if you accepted their relationship until now even while disliking it and her
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Expert May 2019
Ashley1luv3 · on December 2, 2018 at 7:51 PM
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This is really something you should decide with your FH. If he really wants her there despite the fact that you are unhappy with her being there than that's really a issue you need to deal with. In marriage you 2 have to put each other first over everyone else ( kids, parents,family and yes best friends). My fiance has a female friend he would like to invite but I feel uncomfortable with bc of pass events and he said he would never even ask bc he knows how I feel. You shouldn't have to have anyone at your wedding that you don't want there.
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Expert December 2018
Winter Bride · on December 2, 2018 at 7:58 PM
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I have so many questions...are they still friends? Do they still talk? When is the last time they talked? Saw each other? Etc.? Did she accept you after the engagement? Or did she behave worse? I need more details before I can offer practical advice.
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Just Said Yes October 2019
Lindsay · on December 2, 2018 at 8:15 PM
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When she moved out and I moved in, it was when she moved out of state with her boyfriend. So our relationship progressed with her pretty much out of the picture. She and him keep in touch via text message. She comes into town and asks him to hang out and sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t (it has only been a year and a half, so there have only been a handful of times) but during those times she would outwardly tell him not to bring me. So he just wouldn’t go. Finally I said to him ya know what if you want to see her go ahead I’ll stay home. So we never crossed paths. Then this thanksgiving she came home for the first time since we have been engaged and asked to get drinks so I did see her and we were cordial but that was the only time in our 4 years of being together that she has done that. So I guess you could say she accepts me now. we’ve only been engaged since august. Part of me thinks is one meeting for drinks supposed to erase the 4 years of her not just hating me but openly telling my fiancé and others how she felt.
Thanks for the response!
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Expert December 2018
Winter Bride · on December 2, 2018 at 8:34 PM
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Ok so given that, she can’t really ask him to have you stay home at your own wedding, but since that is her usual behavior, I would say she should not be invited to the wedding. I wouldn’t want her at mine. SorryNotSorry.

Also, you are super sweet. I’m not sure I would have been so nice.
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Devoted December 2018
M.M. · on December 2, 2018 at 11:30 PM
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I'm sorry you've had to deal with her behavior. I do understand being nice because you showed him love during her bad behavior. What if you invite her but either she declines, goes with her date and behaves well or goes and behaves poorly. Either way he will see her for who is truly is. You will be MARRIED to him. Congratulations!
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Super April 2019
Valerie · on December 3, 2018 at 6:28 AM
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The wedding is about the two of you. So if she is invited to the wedding you aren't inviting but the two of you are. If up to this point, you have decided that how you will deal with this girl is to just have your FH and her have a friendship that doesn't involve you, and she is still one of his close friends, then yes she gets an invite to the wedding. 110%. Because this cannot be stated enough it isn't your wedding it is the two of yours wedding. (Brides referring to their wedding as 'my' instead of 'our' makes my skin crawl) (EDIT: The rant above is only tangentially about this... just a very long overnight shift dealing with a coworker about similar issues and now onto my day job of teaching high schoolers who are all about mememe. There isn't enough coffee in the world for this week)
Either way, I think if you put your foot down on this, and say 'Here's the ultimatum, it is her or me' it will only cause resentment. Ultimatums are never the way to go. You will also only have to say a quick hi to her on the day and then you will be so busy you won't notice her.
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Just Said Yes October 2019
Lindsay · on December 3, 2018 at 5:29 PM
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I honestly think that is why I’m guilty saying no- because it’s something he wants and he asks for very little when it comes to wedding planning. I’ve never thought of it as my wedding even though his own mom said it’s about the bride (we were talking about something else wedding related but I didn’t feel the same way when she said it) And I want him to be happy. my reservations come from not wanting any negativity on our biggest day, and it’s hard for me to let go of the fact that she never supported us and made sure everyone knew it, so how can she be invited to a day that solely exists to celebrate our Union. I want the room to be filled with people who love and support us.
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Devoted March 2020
Arlene · on December 3, 2018 at 5:34 PM
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Hello I am so sorry no I would not what so ever
That is just me, I want people at my wedding who support us and get a long with us. There is a difference and you deserve to be happy at your wedding. She is important to him but you are suppose to be MORE important as you will be his wife. If the tables were reversed and he felt uncomfortable regarding one of your best friends, I am sure he would understand. Talk to him about it and honestly your wedding you shouldn't feel any discomfort or negativity that can be prevented. I am sorry but if she never supported your guys relationships why should she be there?
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Super June 2019
Mary · on December 3, 2018 at 11:52 PM
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If he wants her there, yes invite her. You will never be liked by 100% of his friends and same goes for him. Does she truly hate you or is she simply indifferent? You have said that he hasn't requested much in regards to the wedding and he has requested this. So I say she gets an invite. You don't even need to speak with her aside from the "thank you for coming".
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Devoted December 2018
Jessica · on December 5, 2018 at 12:32 PM
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FW has a friend that she and I just do not get along. She has said some pretty nasty things to me over the 4 years that FW and I have been together. FW was friends with her for years before I came along. FW would always defend me and stand up to this friend and she would always apologize to FW. I'm not one to tell people who they can and cannot be friends with, so I just started passing on dinners with this friend and let FW have her friend time. It made everyone happy. Friend ended up moving away and we found out after that she was going through so major issues with her boyfriend and self esteem things. So essentially, I've forgiven this friend but don't really have a desire to be BFFs with her.
Fast forward to FW and I planning this wedding. She asked me if I would be okay with her inviting this friend. I said of course. The friend gave the whole "I'm not sure if I can get off of work" response. I knew that wasn't true. So I swallowed my pride and I texted friend myself personally inviting her to our wedding. Lots of sappy messages and a happy tears phone call to FW (on her part) later, she is coming. Bought a plane ticket and reserved a room that same day.
This girl didn't make me bleed or damned my future children, so why wouldn't I be okay with her coming if it makes her and, most importantly, FW happy? It's not always about us, ya know. I can suck it up for an evening and be cordial and hug this person if it means that FW is happy.
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Do i invite the female best friend (who hated me)

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