Do we invite his out-of-town family's children?

We did not invite kids outside of our immediate family. We both had several cousins who live out of town and have young children. Many of them declined our invitation and we did not bend the rules to accommodate. I personally feel this should be an all or nothing thing. Some disagree but I feel it's unfair to local guests with children to make exceptions for out of town guests with children. Out of town guests have the option to use childcare just as much as local guests do - and to force one group to do so to attend and not another is unfair in my mind. Again, completely my own opinion and some will disagree. We knew there was a good possibility for those out of town guests to decline and respected their decisions when they did.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. I’m 100% fine if my child isn’t invited to a wedding, but if I was a local family member and I showed up and there were a dozen kids there, I’d be pretty annoyed that I had to spend $100+ on a sitter when several others got to bring their kids. I think you need to just accept that the rule could cause declines.

This should definitely be an all or nothing decision. Either you invite all kids, or no kids. Since you've decided you want a no kids wedding, then you should hold everyone to that rule. It's not fair that some guests will be getting a sitter, and others don't have to. Imagine how you would feel about that from a guest's perspective. If I went to the trouble and expense of getting a sitter, so I could attend a "no kids" wedding, I would be pissed if I showed up and there were 10 kids there!!

Lots of couples make the exception for kids in the wedding party (flower girl, ring bearer), and I think guests easily accept that and don't get offended. But if a bunch of your family got sitters for their kids, and then found that FHs family was allowed to bring their kids, they might be really offended at the unfairness of that. Just something to consider. If you want a no kids wedding, make it a true no kids wedding.

As to whether FHs family will come or not, they could still decline, as it's pretty far away. You shouldn't feel badly about that. You haven't done anything wrong. It is what it is.

I should probably clarify.

None of my cousins (his cousins are the ones with kids) have kids.

Most of our guests are coming from out of town (4+ hours away). As a mother myself, I would never ask someone to travel that far and have them have to find overnight care for their children. So we have a lot of kids invited. However, if you feel it would be upsetting to you to have kids at the wedding, don’t invite them. Just be prepared for them to possibly not come because childcare for the night plus hotel and travel costs for themselves will add up very fast.

View Quoted Comment Does that mean these 9-12 kids would be the only kids up in the air for the guest list? If so, I’d still be nervous because what if one cousin makes childcare arrangements and then another gets you to let them bring their children. Will the one who doesn’t bring their kids be mad you made exceptions?

View Quoted Comment

I guess I'm worried because there really aren't any little kids on my side to be excluded. They are all older than 13, or in the wedding party. So it feels like we'd only be excluding his family. So I guess I am wondering if we should just let family bring kids as a rule? I'm just worried they'll run unsupervised all night, there is an open bar and I know people will want to enjoy that.

View Quoted Comment

I kind of have a feeling if we stick with the no-kids rule, that one of the couples may take the kids for the other two so that they can come.

I’m in a similar situation, but at the end of the day based on our type of venue (and many of the same reasons you listed) we decided to exclude kids. FH has one relative who lives out of town and has two small children, but it wouldn’t have been fair to invite them when all my local (and some non local) family with kids had arranged child care for the evening. Guests will figure it out if they really want to be there and maybe even appreciate the excuse for a kid free weekend. One option you do have is to arrange child care since there may be so many; however, it’s definitely not required, just a nice gesture.

If they use the no kids rule as a reason to not go, they probably don't want to go that badly anyway. It sounds like you don't want to invite kids, so I wouldn't.

I completely understand the no kid dilemma - FH has a lot of family that is traveling from across the country. They have to pay for hotel, airfare, etc & finding childcare can be difficult & they are putting out so much more money then local with childcare.
I'm going to try my best to keep the no kids thing, but if someone from FH family reaches out to me & ask for an exception I might make it.

I would keep your no kid rule. It is acceptable to only invite immediate family kids as that is one circle. As for the out of town ones, that decision is for them to make. They can get a sitter or decline the invite. My cousins (in state and out) have a ton of kids. With the past few weddings, my actual cousins have come, and their spouses have stayed home with the kids and nobody had any issues.

*UPDATE*

MY fiance's mom told her sister (groom's aunt, and grandmother to this gaggle of toddlers) that there were no children invited to the wedding.

Aunt then informed her children of this, who all said they won't be coming without their toddler children.

My FMIL offered to pay for childcare for the evening, either at the hotel the reception is at, or back at home if they wanted to leave them with relatives or an in-town sitter. (To me this sounded like the perfect solution for them- free childcare, free dinner, free open bar, what more could you want???) But they flat-out refused this offer and said they wouldn't come.

So now, despite what I or my fiance wants, my mother (who is paying for the wedding) is going to call my fiance's mother today to let her know that all of these children will be invited and that it is very important to us (her) that they attend.

I have decided that I want my fiance to have his family there to support him, even if their behavior is a million miles away from supportive. BUT, all I can do is take the high road, grin and bear it, and let them be the ones who feel foolish and have to chase their kids around all night to make sure they don't get into anything.

I do have a day-of coordinator, but she will have better things to do than supervise children. So I am going to hire someone as a sort of "supervisor" to ensure that nothing goes awry. We are decorating with a ton of antiques that I have been collecting since the engagement for this purpose and have paid a lot of money for. So I'm going to make sure I have someone whose sole responsibility it is to be on guard and not allow anything to happen.

But this is the hill I will die on right here: NO OTHER KIDS. I don't care whose feelings are hurt when they arrive. I do NOT care. I have had to compromise so much already with other things as well. If anyone else has the audacity to ask me why their kids weren't invited I will tell them- if you'd caused a huge scene and drama in the planning up to my wedding like these individuals did, I would've also given in to you to shut you up. But you didn't so go have a free drink and have a good time!

Have you considered providing childcare as an option? I have been to a few where they did that! 2 or 3 local teens you know to babysit all those kids for the ceremony and reception, or just reception, will not set you back that much in the long list of wedding expenses. It means his family won't be insulted or able to back out because of the kids, and they will be able to let loose at your wedding without worrying about the kids (as will you!). You cannot make an exception for just one or two families, it will be turmoil if you do so! It's all or none, or just family/just kids in the ceremony. If they're in the same circle and see someone else brought their kids when they couldn't bring theirs, it'll be an issue for sure. I think the childcare thing is your best bet!

View Quoted Comment

Bride2020- the comment above this is an update on the situation.

My mother-in-law did offer to pay for childcare, they refused.

This whole situation is extremely upsetting for me. Where I'm from people don't bring a ton of small children to a wedding.

View Quoted Comment

Oof, just read this, best of luck! Your day will be so busy, hopefully you won't even notice! If someone decides to bring their kids instead of get someone to watch them, that's their decision, they know what they're getting into...I have no idea why they wouldn't go for childcare and instead want to watch their kids all night.

When one of my Aunts got married when I was a kid, a lot of us cousins (same boat as you where there were about 10 of us) were really young and so not invited. One of the older cousins ( I believe she was about 14 at the time) babysat all of us and each of the parents paid her like a discounted rate. I know 9-12 kids is a lot for a non family member to watch, but it might be worth it if you really want his family there to put your feelers out to see if any local babysitters would be willing to commit to something like that.

View Quoted Comment

I am feeling like this will be my best route. If we let them bring them to the ceremony (and sit in the cry room at the church), and offer to have childcare in the hotel where they are staying and the reception is held, I don't know what else I could do to accommodate them while not totally changing what we had agreed on and planned for over the last year.

I am just so... shocked... that people would make their attendance to a wedding conditional on being allowed to bring toddler-aged and baby children with them.