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Devoted September 2012

Do you feel that wives are being judged so heavily?

The Sealpups, on December 26, 2019 at 4:07 PM Posted in Married Life 0 6

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Been with my husband for 7 years before we got married this year. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m being judged by his mom for being this perfect. I need to be the one that does EVERYTHING and that son she raised has to be babied. She asked my husband if I cook for him. It seemed like this expectation that I need to cook for him every night yet she also expects me to be this career woman. She hated me when we first started dating bc I didn’t have my career figured out yet. Fast forward with a masters degree, I not only have to be the one making our income but cooking for him every night too. If this is an equal union, why can he cook for me as much as I cook for him?

It’s these types of moms I resent bc they want to preach equality but raise their sons to be babies. Thankfully, my husband is into us sharing the duties. I’m not sure why his mom would ask him questions like this.
Also- bonus: I noticed she’s been hot and cold with me. 2 weeks ago she was normal and just recently, she’s been cold around me. Also, this is the first time she “forgot” to text me “happy birthday”. She’s done it all these years we were boyfriend-girlfriend and now that we’re married, I got nothing. I noticed later on but wasn’t expecting anything. She never followed up either. I’ve read stories on here where MILs are weird during first year of marriage. Wonder why that is

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Latest activity by Catherine, on December 27, 2019 at 1:41 PM

Devoted September 2012
The Sealpups · on December 26, 2019 at 4:08 PM
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PS: yes, he’s got a career too
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on December 26, 2019 at 4:15 PM
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You’ve brought up your MIL a lot. What does your husband say when you’ve brought your feelings up about this to him? Do you two have boundaries in place when it comes to what is or isn’t acceptable conversation with his mom? I don’t think her asking if you cook for him is ridiculous unless she follows it with “because that’s her job and you shouldn’t lift a finger”. If you and your husband aren’t on the same page about her, have you considered couples counseling to get there?
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 26, 2019 at 5:46 PM
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I don't think it's necessarily A wise thing I just think it's an older generation thing. Even some women in my own family would always say like I'll make sure not to take care of him and and when I told him that me and my fiance don't plan on having kids I've been told like oh well you can't do that. So maybe now that you are officially going to be the woman that he marries she has very high expectations for you. I also go back to the old saying up Daddy's girl and mama's boy. So I don't know if he has any sisters but I definitely feel that the mamas do baby their little boys. I agree with the first poster that if this continues on maybe you need to talk to your FH and ask them boundary set in place. It's great that he helps at home but maybe he needs to have the talk with mom about how saying these things and putting expectations on you are not cool. Or maybe you both can sit down and talk to her and let her know that this is how you choose to do her household. I would say just be ready that she may not take well to that but at the end of the day it is you to marriage and she needs to respect how you guys do your household. I would imagine the Father of the Bride probably has some judgment on the man that's going to marry his daughter and provide for her.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on December 26, 2019 at 5:54 PM
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I was just having a similar conversation regarding things like this with my mom, mother in law, sister in law, and husband. I forgot how we got onto the subject, but we were talking about how my dad and my husband's father "don't know how to do laundry." They were both able to do it before they got wives, and then they miraculously stopped knowing how to do some of these basic things. I said I probably wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't do things like help with the laundry and the cleaning. Luckily, my in laws do not have this old school mentality that the wife needs to dote on her husband because that ain't me lol. We do things for each other, but equally often: he brings me a glass of water when asked just as often as I do for him. As PP stated, some people have more old-school values about strict gender norms. If it really bothers you (and since you've posted about this often, I'm assuming it does), I would talk to your husband about it and have him speak to his mother.
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on December 26, 2019 at 6:11 PM
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I have had the same expectations put on me from my FMIL. Honestly, I have no respect for it, don’t listen to that noise, and have not changed the way I operate (either myself or our household) one bit. It has only been brought up a couple times so far, And after the most recent comment I spoke to my FH about it. He thinks it’s ridiculous also. I am assuming he will handle it. And if not, I will most certainly be expressing my opinion to her the next time a comment like that is made. I had a friend who had a MIL just like this... it started out small then progressed to passive aggressive comments, and eventually ended up pretty hostile. I’m going to make sure to address it ASAP before we go down that road!
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VIP November 2019
Catherine · on December 27, 2019 at 1:41 PM
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I think its just a normal stigma. the woman has to cook and clean. i think its BS in my opinion. if i'm home first i have no problem cooking dinner. but if he is off or home first i feel he should start cooking. its equal you know? if we both have careers then we should share the home responsibilities. its not fair to put that all on one person.
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Do you feel that wives are being judged so heavily?

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